Three Most Difficult Words for Leaders to Say

As leaders, we all know the importance of setting a good example.

It’s one of the five fundamental practices of exemplary leadership. It obviously makes sense to set a good example. Why, then, is it hard to admit a mistake?

After all, we want those we work with to be accountable and accept responsibility for their actions.

The 3 Hardest Words to Say

I think the three hardest words for a leader to say are, ‘I was wrong.’ I would like to be able to say that I have never made a mistake… that I was never wrong, but you all know I would be lying. The fact is, I have made a number of mistakes as a leader… and I hated when it happened!

Even worse, though, was having to admit ‘I was wrong’… sometimes in front of a group of people with whom I worked.

And yet, I can honestly say that I never walked away with a sense that I lost “market share” as a leader. If anything, I felt the opposite occurred. People seemed to respect the fact that I would admit that I made a mistake. Of course, the admission was usually accompanied by an apology or sharing steps I would take to fix my blunder. But, depending on the mistake, this may not be enough.

Difficult Getting Real

We have all heard comments like; ‘to err is human.’ If we as leaders believe this, then why is it so difficult for us to be real… to admit we made a mistake? Too often, leaders try to ignore a mistake… pretending it didn’t occur, cover it up, or blame someone else. And yes, if I am honest with myself, I am sure that somewhere along the way I have done these too.

What’s one of the most damaging outcomes of not admitting mistakes or that we were wrong? Loss of trust! Stephen Covey in his book, The Speed of Trust, quotes a variety of statistics that show the lack of trust. Among them are the following:

• 51% of employees have trust and confidence in senior management.
• 36% of employees believe their leaders act with honesty and integrity.

Covey goes on to say that trust is the ‘key leadership competency of the new global economy.’

According to Leigh Branham in The 7 Hidden Reasons People Leave, one of the top seven reasons voluntarily separate from an organization is loss of trust and confidence in senior leaders. So, not only may we lose the trust of others, but we may lose good employees.

Moving On

What do we do when we make a mistake? Dennis and Michelle Reina in their book Trust and Betrayal in the Workplace, suggest there are a number of actions we can take and among them are ‘admit mistakes.’

When we admit mistakes, we and others can learn from those mistakes, as well as open the door to restore trust.

How about you? How do you handle mistakes? Do you tend to admit them or take some other option? What suggestions can you offer to help other leaders to be honest enough to admit their mistakes?  What are other impacts for failing to say, ‘I was wrong?’ What do you think are the three hardest words for Leaders to say?

To Serve or Not to Serve

A friend of mine is a successful businessman and entrepreneur who also serves as a board member of a non-profit community organization.

On the board, Rob (not his real name) often offers insightful comments and good advice that matches his good business sense.

Yet when asked to serve as a board officer, Rob quotes the notorious General William Tecumseh Sherman when asked if he would seek presidential office,

“If nominated, I will not run; if elected, I will not serve.”

To Serve or Not To Serve

Many would-be leaders have the same attitude as General Sherman.

• It is extreme irony that Rob will not serve at a higher level as a leader since he is already leading in a number of roles.
• Rob will not seek a higher level of leadership because he is fearful of failure.
• He has not found the leader within…he has not discovered the quintessential leader that he could be.

Leadership Within

Finding the Leader Within

Can you relate to Rob? I know I can. Even the best of leaders falter at times… me included. On a weekend vacation, I recently read John Maxwell’s leadership book Everyone Communicates, Few Connect in which he lists “Four Unpardonable Sins of a Communicator”: 

1. being unprepared, 
2. uncommitted, 
3. uninteresting, or 
4. uncomfortable.

Maxwell’s words hit me head on as I recounted my lack of leadership in one of my roles.

The greatest mistake of leadership is not a failure to succeed but a failure to lead.

In fact, the greatest failures of leadership are not a lack of experience, a lack of training, a lack of education, or lack of resources but usually a failure of one to engage.

Avoiding Leadership Failure

Four ways to avoid a failure to lead are:

1. Engage as a leader.
2. Engage at the right time.
3. Engage with enough energy to see the project through.
4. Engage other leaders around you to help and eventually take over the project.

1. ENGAGE AS A LEADER

The only way to lead is to lead! It sounds ridiculous, but it is true. Many people who are in the prime place to lead never engage. Perhaps you understand the issues better than anyone else, you have the authority to lead, and people are looking to you and anticipating action, but you are waiting.

Perhaps you are waiting for someone else to step up to the plate. Maybe you are hoping the problem will just go away.

Other excuses may include:

• I don’t have the experience.
• I don’t have the time.
• I don’t have the education.
• I don’t think others respect me.
• I don’t want to keep someone else from their opportunity to lead.
• I am not leadership material.

Based on the listed excuses, you will never be ready to lead. Moses used virtually every one of these excuses in Exodus 3 and 4 when talking with the Creator and God did not let him off the hook but kept handing the job to him. Moses had to engage. It was during the process and time of leadership that Moses became Moses instead of a nameless adopted son of a pharaoh in Egypt.

Only through the action of leading will the leader in you emerge.

2. ENGAGE AT THE RIGHT TIME

In baseball, the difference between swinging the bat too early, too late, and on time can be either a foul ball or a home run. It’s the same way with leadership too.

As a leader you must engage at the right time.

Crisis situations require instant leadership. Other situations may allow decision and strategy time, but a large part of successful leadership is timing. Great leaders have an intuitive understanding of timing which creates the highest possible involvement of others who are empowered to assist… also called buy-in.

By engaging at the right time, they increase the number of others working on the same problem. If you are waiting for the problem to resolve itself or go away… it will probably only get worse.

3. ENGAGE WITH ENOUGH ENERGY TO SEE THE PROJECT THROUGH

Introverted leaders (Stabilizing & Cautious on the DISC Behavioral profile) are often tempted to disengage too early before the full success is achieved. The reason for this is that their reserve for directing energy toward others is less.

On the other hand, extroverted leaders (Decisive & Interactive on the DISC Behavioral profile) have a tendency to either delegate the leadership role too early or declare victory prematurely. Great leaders see the big picture of the project so they pace their energy or know how to replenish it along the way in order to complete the task. I believe the greatest leaders lead out of energy overflow instead of reserves.

The overflow principle is a Psalm 23 concept by which one does not manufacture his/her own energy but is continuously using overflow from God’s inexhaustible energy resources. Overflow may be defined as finding one’s fulfillment, satisfaction, worth, and esteem in Christ which results in greater energy overflow.

Show me an exhausted leader and I will show you a leader who is leading out of his own exhaustible reserves that will eventually run dry.

The greatest leaders learn to tap in to the Psalm 23 overflow to the point of directing and investing energy overflow into others on purpose to add value to them.

Read Psalms 23:1-6 again while considering the Overflow Principle:

¹ The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. ² He makes me to lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still waters. ³ He restores my soul; He leads me in the paths of righteousness For His name’s sake. ⁴ Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. ⁵ You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You anoint my head with oil; My cup runs over. ⁶ Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me All the days of my life; And I will dwell in the house of the LORD Forever.

Note: verses 3 and 5 where (emphasis is mine) the Lord “restores my soul” and “my cup runs over.” These illustrate the Overflow Principle of Leadership.

4. ENGAGE OTHER LEADERS AROUND YOU TO ASSIST

Engage other leaders around you to help and eventually take over the project. A great leader intuitively scans for people in the organization who possess the abilities and willingness to assist and eventually take over a project. “Willingness” is often the only quality that separates a new leader from everyone else.

Mentoring and coaching are often the only disciplines that separate average leaders from great leaders. Great leaders mentor and coach emerging leaders. In fact this may be a distinguishing difference between managers and leaders. The difference between leaders and managers is coaching & mentoring emerging leaders.

Leaders add value to new leaders while managers often feel threatened.

Engage Now!

Don’t miss your opportunity to be the leader you were meant to be. Find the leader within!

“She was becoming herself and daily casting aside that fictitious self which we assume like a garment with which to appear before the world.” ~ from  The Awakening by Kate Chopin.

It is time for you to cast aside that fictitious apparition of yourself as one who fears to lead and allow the leader within you to emerge. Do it now!

QUESTIONS:

1. What are your attitudes toward other leaders? If you distrust other leaders then you will not want to become a leader until you learn to trust.

2. What excuses are keeping you from engaging as a leader? There are few legitimate “reasons.”

3. How are you using the “Overflow Principle of Leadership” or not?

4. List the leadership qualities you and others see in you that have potential.

Are You Asking the Right Questions?

What do you think is wrong with many of the entrepreneurs? One of the great errors in thinking committed by these business leaders is this: The omniscience fallacy: Believing One Knows Everything.

Maybe you have worked for a boss who thinks he knows everything? Or you know someone who does, because this is rampant. It’s common practice for bosses to interrupt someone to tell them why their idea won’t work, or how they could make their idea better.

In Marshall Goldsmith’s book What Got You Here Won’t Get You There, he lists 20 habits that are the top interpersonal challenges for leaders. One of the most common faults leaders have is in thinking they know it all. And, they have an overwhelming desire to let you know how smart they are.

When I review Goldsmith’s list of 20 bad habits, I find six of the 20 that stem from the fact that leaders think they know it all. In my Executive Coaching business, I coach some pretty smart executives, not many come to me because they think they don’t know enough. They are all pretty accomplished and knowledgeable. But that’s the problem.

Once in positions of responsibility and power, everyone comes to them with questions and to ask for advice. The idea that they are all-knowing gets reinforced, and many executives start believing they actually do know what’s best. In a desire to keep up appearances, they stop asking questions.

Take for example, the question of motivating employees. Almost every economic model has assumed that money is the key motivator for employees. Bosses assume that if they pay their people top dollar, they’ll get top performance and loyalty in return. That is not true at all, but this way of thinking is rampant…

Even though management studies say this isn’t the way it works, most leaders continue to think of pay as the ultimate incentive. They think they know their employees and what they want. Here’s a passage from Goldsmith’s book that struck me as important:

As a general rule, people in their 20s want to learn on the job. In their 30s they want to advance. And in their 40s they want to rule. No matter what their age, though, understanding their desires is like trying to pin down mercury. You have to find out what they want at every step – by literally asking them – and you can’t assume that one size fits all. The person who sees the noble goal of “work-life balance” as irrelevant at age 24 may find it critical at age 34. (Goldsmith, p. 214)

Bosses think they know their people, but how can they know if they aren’t asking questions and having conversations? And it’s hard to have a two-way exchange of ideas when you are the person in charge and you come across as if you know it all already.

What’s been your experience with “smart” leaders?

Creative Thinking and Leadership

What do you think about at the end of the day? Do you think about what you accomplished that day? Or do you dream about what you could do differently tomorrow?

One type of thinking focuses on concrete facts and analytical thinking.

The other type of thinking involves dreaming and creative thinking.

You probably do a little of both, but it seems to me that most people have a preference for one over the other. And gathering from the conversations I have in executive coaching sessions, many of us favor analytical thinking over daydreaming and speculating. We’d rather deal with facts, data and charts than “what if…?” Wouldn't you agree?

According to a global IBM survey of chief executives, creativity is the most sought-after trait in leaders today. In these times of disruptive innovations, creative thinking is especially crucial for the rise and continued success of start-up to stalwart companies.

Facebook, Google, Apple, Procter & Gamble and General Electric are prime examples. Without continual breakthroughs, these organizations couldn’t sustain success. Companies whose leaders learn to innovate more quickly, cheaply and with less risk will emerge from any downturn stronger than ever.

For leaders, it starts with an innovation mindset. In my coaching practice with business leaders, this is a continuing challenge for high-achieving, results oriented business executives. Many have become over-reliant on analytical skills.

Creativity is not something that is learned, as much as rediscovered. People are born creative. Just look at children to see how naturally they use their imaginations. But somewhere around adolescence, we begin to stifle our creative impulses as we become more aware of what other people think of us.

We learn to be more cautious and analytical. This tendency becomes even more pronounced as we join organizations that favor critical thinking. As we become mature contributors to corporate culture, we are continually rewarded for our analytical abilities.

Creative thinking takes a backseat. But you cannot achieve innovations unless your company’s culture supports new ideas—even those that fail.

According to Wikipedia, until 1990, creativity as measured by the Torrance Tests of Creative Thinking increased in the United States. Thereafter, the scores have been declining. Possible causes include increased time watching TV, playing computer games, or lack of nurturing of creativity in schools. There may be a mistaken assumption that encouraging creativity in schools necessarily involves the arts when it can also be encouraged in other subjects.

I think there are several common fears that block us from using our creative thinking and they are more common that we would admit.

What’s your opinion on the loss of creative thinking in business today? I’d love to hear from you.

Zen Riddles

"How do you get through a gateless gate?" That's a Zen riddle.

What it really means is, 'how do you accomplish the impossible - a paradigm shift?'

Well, you start by defining the problem creatively and shifting paradigms, by listing many ideas, and by combining them innovatively into creative trigger-ideas and workable solutions. Committed action plans and the real work follow.

"What is the sound of one hand clapping?" Another Zen riddle.

Most people don't know the answer. Some answer the “sound is silence,” a breakthrough in realizing that the answer does not have to be clever.

When I ask children this question they look puzzled. Sometimes they wave one hand through the air listening for the answer. Actually, the waving of one hand is one answer to the question. This is hard for some people to understand.

In some Zen training, this riddle of the "sound of one hand clapping" is given to novices starting to master Zen. The novice meditates on the meaning of the riddle, and makes daily visits to the Zen master for many years while absorbing the riddle's teachings.

The Zen answer has many nuances that we need not pursue. Suffice to say that many years of meditating on the "sound of one hand clapping" produces a paradigm shift in the novice's view of reality.

Paradigm shifts help creative thinking. A paradigm is a belief structure within which you think and act. The paradigms within which you operate affect your creativity. Usually they box you in and produce tunnel vision.

A paradigm shift is a change in your belief structure that changes your perspective and allows you to see things differently. My purpose in using the riddle about the "sound of one hand clapping" is to produce a quick paradigm shift to help creative thinking and active listening.

I want to jolt people into realizing that the way we perceive a problem limits our thinking that also blocks our creative thinking. Hopefully, this discovery will prompt a change in perception of creativity, and help people to see the value in being spontaneous and intuitive, as well as rational.

All this is triggered by a Zen riddle. This article is also like a Zen riddle in that it is intended to change your perceptions, produce paradigm shifts, and enhance your creative thinking.

It's like the sound of our brain thinking creatively (a paradigm shift); like silent explosion in the universe.

Apply this to your workplace; and explore the paradigms that shackle your creativity and box you in. Find and shift one inhibiting paradigm each day. Devise new answers to the two Zen riddles presented above.

In addition, list creativity-spoiling habits of others that stifle your creativity. Resolve not to do them to other people. Assert to people who interfere with your creativity.

Make action plans to do these things on a systematic basis each week.

Why is there so much hate in this world?

Why is there so much hate in this world? Why can’t we all just get along?

People from both sides see what they want to see and, like trained attack dogs, go in for the kill with little consideration; no mercy, no nuance, no shades of grey. They are so blinded by their self-righteousness that they are perfectly OK with perpetrating more metaphorical violence in the service of their almighty (god-blessed?) cause.

Where’s the forgiveness? Where’s the acceptance? Where’s the ability to not fly off the handle when we see something we don’t like or we have a problem? Why do we feel we can call people whores, or idiots, or scumbags, or worse?

Do we now live in a culture where there are no second chances, where there’s no ability to call a Mulligan [A mulligan, in a game, happens when a player gets a second chance to perform a certain move or action. The practice is also sometimes referred to as a "do-over."], or just have a bad day?

Who can live that like? Who’s the perfect one among us who doesn’t screw up?

I have been slandered by both sides for my perceived bias on occasion, and I agree that no person is completely unbiased. I try to draw a balanced line whenever and wherever I could, but I figure that if I am going to be damned, I might as well be damned for what I actually believe.

But everyone over-reacts.

Everyone escalates, instead of taking a half a moment to think, relax, chill, give the benefit of the doubt, be a little easy-going, and realize that everyone is bloody well human and we all make mistakes.

And we are all poorer as a result.

How to Ask?

"He who asks a question is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever.” ~ Chinese Proverb

Last Sunday, I was listening to Jack Canfield's interview on Hay House World Summit in which he was asked to comment on how FEAR limits us from our opportunities and Mr. Canfield states, "Don’t Be Afraid To Ask For What You Want."

Leaders who are helping others to grow and innovate are always trying to craft the best questions to make a difference. Here is how to ask the questions that will propel your team and your organization forward.

Questions are the expressive, probing language for growing others; listening is the receptive, facilitating language for growing others. These two complementary approaches form a continuous growth conversation loop. The deeper the questions, the deeper the listening; the deeper the listening, the deeper the next question. As we dig together with each tool, we mutually excavate new discoveries. As a result, the learning is never one-sided; it is a co-created process that engenders empathy, trust, and collaboration.

The Power Of Authentic Questions

Innovators working on solving problems and coming up with creative solutions rely on crafting the right questions. Leaders who are helping others to grow and innovate are always trying to craft the best questions to make a difference. Not only do innovators make asking questions an integral part of their lives, and ask more questions than non-innovators, they also ask more provocative ones--questions that provoke deep insight and understanding. Developing other leaders through questioning not only helps them grow, but it forces them to own their unique learning experiences.

Imagine yourself in your next team meeting. Observe and check your impulses to be the expert, the problem solver, or the holder of the most seasoned experiences and perspectives. See yourself using questions more to:

1. Challenge yourself to look at solutions from a different point of view.
2. Stay in the state of curiosity longer to sort out where others are coming from.
3. Probe deeper into motivations, perspectives, and experiences.
4. Bring the "unspeakable" question to the surface.
5. Challenge the status quo to move the conversation to the next level.
6. Build on what is being said and take it one or two steps further.
7. Engage with people at a deeper level.
8. What would be the impact to your team and organization if you leveraged the power of questions more?
9. What would happen if you used your drive, analytical capabilities, and intelligence to help others to grow versus having the answers and solving the problems?

The Power of Authentic Listening

Questions without authentic listening are thinly veiled challenges, judgments, and assertions; challenging questions with authentic listening activates latent power, potential, and collaboration.

How often do we pause to be genuinely present with someone? How often do we really hear what the other person is saying and feeling versus filtering it heavily through our own immediate concerns and time pressures? Authentic listening is not easy. We hear the words, but rarely do we really slow down to listen and squint with our ears to hear the emotions, fears, and underlying concerns. Despite its value-creating properties, listening is rare for many leaders, and this lack of listening is one of the key reasons leaders derail.

I have observed three common pitfalls that inhibit people from stepping back for authentic listening:

Listening Pitfall 1: Hyper Self-Confidence

When we see ourselves as the quintessential expert, the most experienced or accurate person in the room, we position ourselves to fall into a listening black hole. Others with valuable insights defer rather than speak up, diminishing rather than strengthening leadership teams. The kiss of death for collaboration, connection, and innovation is moving too quickly to our own perceived "right" answer. Slow down, and challenge yourself to pause and to listen a few minutes longer to move from transaction or hyper action to transformation.

Listening Pitfall 2: Impatience and Boredom

When conversations or meetings don't reflect our point of view or are not intellectually challenging enough, we may get impatient or bored. Our inner voice, drowning out other voices in the room, says, "They are not getting it!" They may not be getting your solution, but they are getting something, possibly something valuable but hidden to you. If we are too caught up in our judgmental self-conversation, we can never really genuinely listen and hear what is going on around us. We lose on multiple levels: we don't learn; we don't know what is happening; we don't connect; and we don't innovate. Fight your impatience and boredom by looking deeper. Pause to question: What are they seeing and understanding that I don't see? What are the beliefs underneath what is being said? What are the hopes and fears underneath the surface? Stretch yourself mentally and emotionally to stay engaged by looking deeper. Remember, you can always disagree or reframe the conversation later, but as St. Francis advised, "Seek first to understand."

Listening Pitfall 3: Bias for Action

Sometimes listening is challenging because we want to do something, not just hear about it. Our hyperactive impulses derive from our certainty that we know the solution and reactively want to implement it. However, it isn't always optimal to rush in with the answers, unintentionally creating dependency, stunting the growth of others, and sacrificing transformative breakthroughs. Pause a bit longer to let groups struggle and strain more as they explore ideas, options, and deeper solutions. Listen to how they are collaborating, resolving conflict, and problem solving. Give introverts space to speak up. Step back more and step in only when absolutely necessary.

What Listening Does

Pausing to listen to the needs, concerns, and aspirations of our key people is crucial to growing talent. If you find yourself rushing about from meeting to meeting, project to project, and rarely pausing to check in with your key people, your team and organizational risk is mounting. Having deeper developmental discussions, really engaging people, communicates care and connection. Pausing for developmental dialogue elevates the business conversation from management tactics to leadership excellence.

Try practicing authentic listening. Be with people and have the goal to fully understand the thoughts and feelings they are trying to express. Use your questions and comments to draw them out, to open them up, and to clarify what is said rather than expressing your view, closing them down, and saying only what you want. Not only will this help you to understand the value and contribution the other person brings, it will create a new openness in the relationship that will allow you to express yourself and be heard more authentically as well.

Authentic listening creates the platform for true synergy and team effectiveness. Valuing and attending to different perspectives from diverse sources results in a more complete understanding of issues and more elegant solutions. Authentic listening is the soul of growing others.