Are You In Tune with the Emotions of the People

Excellent customer service providers are in tune with the emotions of the people they deal with through awareness and empathy.

They are proficient at handling conflicts, and they have the ability to maintain positive attitudes while engaged in their work. However, a continual barrage of negative customer interactions can be a reality within the role of service providers, and they can cause what is commonly called emotional labor.

Arlie Hochschild, author of The Managed Heart: Communication of Human Feeling, defines emotional labor as displaying a set of emotions that differ from the emotions the service provider is currently feeling. Based on this definition, people in service jobs who are acting differently than they are feeling can experience high doses of emotional labor which can cause stress, fatigue, and diminished impulse control.

Service providers deal with a higher level of stress no matter what product or service they provide due to the fact that customer interactions are always fueled with many types of emotions. Stress is a physical reaction that you experience when you cannot cope or have difficulty dealing with a negative or threatening situation. Due to the direct connection between a service provider’s role and stressful situation, learning how to understand, manage, and reduce stress becomes an important skill to master.

In the book Stress Management for Dummies, author Allen Elkin cites:

Ø  7 out 19 people felt stress at some point on a typical workday.

Ø  People reported that they lost their temper an average of 5 times a month.

Ø  Many people reported that stress contributes to doing things they regret later.

Ø  About 5% of those asked said stress was preventing them from enjoying their lives.

People under stress tend to be more on edge and will erupt more quickly and violently, increasing their number of conflicts with people in general. Extreme stress saps your energy because your body is functioning in emergency mode. Stress tightens your muscles, impacts your breathing and the flow of oxygen to your vital organs, and it can cause sleep to be difficult. High stress can put a strain on many of your bodily functions and can lead to high blood pressure, ulcers, and heart attacks. It can become a vicious cycle. Obviously, reducing stress can have many health benefits as well as making your life more enjoyable and rewarding. It is important to identify what pushes your buttons and produces stress in your life. Identifying your stress producers is the first step in effectively managing and reducing stress.

In order to effectively manage stress, you must build or increase your tolerance for stress. Stress management is your ability to deal effectively with adverse events and stressful situations without falling apart. Having a positive outlook on new experiences and change is also important. Plus the ability to stay calm and maintain control in stressful situations is a large part of building an increased tolerance level. People who excel at stress management tend to face crises and problems head on with a positive attitude rather than surrendering to feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, and self-doubt.

The first step is to understand where the stress is coming from or what events are activating the stressful feelings you are experiencing. Check out future blog for more on reducing and eliminating stress.

Make Chaos Disappear

Every day brings us a choice, either to practice stress or to practice peace. Right now I am in a tight squeeze. I am in the process of making some big changes, and it’s bringing quite a bit of chaos—uncertainties, insecurities, and fears—into my life, like any change does.

A deep desire of mine is to be able to look chaos in any form, of any magnitude, squarely in the eye and levitate up to the next level of not letting any of the anarchy affect my inner peace. Whatever the drama—work, family, friends, worldly, financial, school, natural disasters—I don’t want any of it to touch my inner peace. My desire is for peace or bust, on the inside and all around me.

When we recognize that life is our mirror, we begin to understand that the outer chaos merely represents our mental state. It is the mime of our mind. If we can quiet our inner chaos, our outer chaos will disappear.

However, too often we get this process backward, and that is why it takes us so long sometimes to tame all of the chaos: We don’t take the time to first quiet our mental noise. A good friend of mine, Jordana Carroll advises us of the importance of mental floss in all her weekly radio shows on the Mentors - VoARadio Network. (If you haven't heard any of her shows, you should check her out at: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/search/jordanacarrollshow)

I often say that I desire to be a yogi, untouched and at ease. My biggest fear is someone knocking me off balance and getting trampled. So, my fantasy is to be just kind of floating there in the lotus position in the middle of it all, with pushing and shoving going on all around me, yet I am untouched. I remain at ease and guarded by my peaceful light.

I crave that kind of serenity in my day to day. When situations arise that are not going according to my plan, I want to transcend into a glowing yogi and remain perfectly centered, unfazed by the drama going on all around me. Keeping this vibe of peace is hard to do sometimes when we are faced with the challenges of life.

Winds of change blow through our lives daily, and unpredictable circumstances happen regularly that are beyond our control. How do we handle it all?

Personally, my brain used to rush to “fix” everything. If something came up that did not go according to my plan, I used to spend sleepless nights trying to figure out “what to do.”

I solicited advice from friends, loved ones, and colleagues. I even 'Googled' for any hints and solutions I could find. I did anything other than assimilate myself as the peaceful yogi who doesn’t worry, and again that is approaching the issue backward.

It is only from cultivating an inner calm and centeredness that I was able to transcend above any outer chaos. So, how can we do this? How can we transform any chaotic situation into one of inner and outer peace? How do we sit calmly and not get caught up in the hype? How do we not worry? How do we stay centered and grounded? How do we remain connected and rooted?

Here are some ideas that I use; maybe some of them might work for you:

1. Thoughts have power

Visualize - this is the first thing I do. I try to calm my mind down, and I start envisioning the outcome I’d like to see happen. I don’t get attached to these ideas; I simply start imagining myself happy, healthy, safe, and loved. I begin to visualize a friendlier situation and outcome.

Then I can rest in those good vibes as I remain cradled in my center. Thoughts have power.

2. Words have power.

Train your subconscious brain to have a different default thinking than it does now. Wishful thinking for different circumstances is not enough to transcend us; we have got to feel it. If we wish for things to be better or different, but underneath it all we feel that we are doomed no matter what, then nothing will change. It takes us retraining our subconscious mind to have a different belief system.

I personally like to use affirmations to help me improve my mental and emotional fitness. In Hindu scriptures, we call this a mantra. It’s a positive, uplifting thought that is to be repeated many times throughout the day until it becomes an inner truth and belief system.

An example of a mantra is, “Everything always works out,” or, “Only what is best will happen.” When I am stressed, repeating these two mantras throughout the day pulls me back into my center and eases my mind. Words have power.

3. Feelings have power

Develop faith that things always turn out OK. In order for us to transcend our situation and create more peace in our lives, we have got to feel it. The best way for us to succeed at levitating above the mosh pit is to have faith.

To have faith, we must believe with conviction that everything will be OK, even if we cannot currently see exactly how.

When we possess faith, that inner knowing is a feeling that we have. We know. And we cannot evolve fully into knowing until we have unshakeable faith. Feelings have power.

4. Action is power

Keep your eyes and heart focused on how you can add value to the world each day. In Hindu scriptures, we call this our Dharma, and it means life purpose. It is our own unique mission in life, the reason each of us are here. It is our individual gift we were born to share with others. It is what we are here to serve and dazzle the world with. It is in our DNA and a part of us. It is scripted on our souls.

In moments of mayhem, cling to your purpose in life. Stick with what is true to you. No matter what is going on in our lives right now, our only guarantee is our life purpose. It will never leave you because it is a part of you. You need your purpose, and your purpose needs you. It is the yin to our yang.

So, in my moments of panic and confusion, instead of pumping my brain for answers, I have learned to continue to focus on my purpose. We are here on this Earth for one purpose alone: to be and spread unconditional love. It’s how we do it that differs. And it’s these differences that paint the mosaic of life.

When all else fails, focus on how you can add value to the world. If you are wondering what your own personal life mission is, follow your dreams; they will lead you there.

When I know I have contributed value to the world each day, I feel centered, grounded, and at ease. Action is power.

Remember, the outer world is a mirror of our inner world. If we can tame the inner beast inside, the dramas in our outer worlds will subside. And when events occur that are beyond our control, we can use these four steps to remain rooted in our center, and at peace.

We will become one with the yogi floating in the mosh pit, glowing and untouched.

Finding Strengths in Weaknesses

 ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Recently, I had an intense few days involving an extremely spiritual and emotionally significant event that has recently ended, or at least ended in one form.

These feelings are all normal and to be expected, of course. But I noticed that when I let full vent to my emotions, without trying to be strong or stoic, I felt better. I still felt grief and sadness, but they felt right, somehow–not like suffering, not like something I had to overcome or escape.

This started me thinking about this characteristic I have of feeling emotions–and expressing them–very intensely. I realized that for my whole life I have felt emotions intensely, and in relationships, even the short-lived ones, I have always given of myself 100%. Though it always hurts to not get the same reception from someone you love, I got to thinking: This characteristic I have of giving love so totally–is this a strength or a weakness?

On one hand, it hurts, and I do tend to give myself away too quickly, without waiting to see if the other person is capable of meeting me in the same way. This can be seen as a weakness, something for me to work on tempering.

On the other hand, the fact that I have the capacity to give myself in this way, over and over, even when I have been hurt, can be seen as a strength. I don’t want to stop being able to do that. I like that about myself. I never want to let the pain of the past interfere with my ability to feel, fully, in the present–to give of myself and to express my inner self.

Though feelings can hurt, the ability to feel is a gift. And the ability to express feelings to others is a gift to them. To hold back emotions is to keep back a special gift from the world.

When we notice parts of ourselves that we consider weaknesses, I wonder if we can stop for a moment and look at them closely, to see if, somewhere, there are underlying strengths there as well.

If we have a tendency to get angry, for instance (as I do), doesn’t that also mean that we feel we are worthy of self-protection–that we feel things passionately?

If we sometimes overeat, can this also mean that we have an appreciation for the senses, or that we have the capacity and self-love to want to comfort ourselves when we are hurting?

Yes, we may need to work on expressing these emotions in a healthier way, but can we accept what we need to work on while also exploring the other side of the coin? Can we modify our behavior while still retaining the knowledge that, underneath the unhealthy behaviors are positive aspects that are longing to express themselves?

Can we actually use our weaknesses to discover our strengths?

I am passionate. I love fully and don’t hold back from my partners. I feel strongly and I am not afraid of expressing the truths of my soul. Though our culture may suggest it’s better to hold back, to appear “reasonable” and calm, to me, this is one of my greatest strengths and gifts to the universe. It’s taken me a long time to realize this.

What about you? Where are your strengths hidden within your weaknesses?

Stages of Training in Dharma

With this article we come to the last and final of the series in Inward and Outward Realities. In the previous article, I discussed practicing the Dharma. Those who practice the Dharma should train themselves to understand in the following stages:

The training that is easy to learn, gives immediate results, and is suitable for every time, every place, for people of every age and either sex, is to study in the school of this body — a fathom long, a cubit wide, and a span thick — with its perceiving mind in charge. This body has many things, ranging from the crude to the subtle, that are well worth knowing.

The steps of the training:

1. To begin with, know that the body is composed of various physical properties, the major ones being the properties of earth, water, fire, and wind; the minor ones being the aspects that adhere to the major ones: things like color, smell, shape, etc.

These properties are unstable (inconsistent), stressful, and unclean. If you look into them deeply, you will see that there's no substance to them at all. They are simply impersonal conditions, with nothing worth calling "me" or "mine." When you can clearly perceive the body in these terms, you will be able to let go of any clinging or attachment to it as an entity, your Self, someone else, this or that.

2. The second step is to deal with mental phenomena (feelings, perceptions, thought-formations, and consciousness). Focus on keeping track of the truth that these are characterized by arising, persisting, and then disbanding. In other words, their nature is to arise and disband, arise and disband, repeatedly. When you investigate to see this truth, you will be able to let go of your attachments to mental phenomena as entities, as your Self, someone else, this or that.

3. Training on the level of practice doesn't simply mean studying, listening, or reading. You have to practice so as to see clearly with your own mind in the following steps:

a. Start out by brushing aside all external concerns and turn to look inside at your own mind until you can know in what ways it is clear or murky, calm or unsettled. The way to do this is to have mindfulness and self-awareness in charge as you keep aware of the body and mind until you have trained the mind to stay firmly in a state of normalcy, i.e., neutrality.

b. Once the mind can stay in a state of normalcy, you will see mental formations or preoccupations in their natural state of arising and disbanding. The mind will be empty, neutral, and still — neither pleased nor displeased — and will see physical and mental phenomena as they arise and disband naturally, of their own accord.

c. When the knowledge that there is no self to any of these things becomes thoroughly clear, you will meet with something that lies further inside, beyond all suffering and stress, free from the cycles of change — deathless — free from birth as well as death, since all things that take birth must by nature age, grow ill, and die.

d. When you see this truth clearly, the mind will be empty, not holding onto anything. It won't even assume itself to be a mind or anything at all. In other words, it won't latch onto itself as being anything of any sort. All that remains is a pure condition of Dharma.

e. Those who see this pure condition of Dharma in full clarity are bound to grow disenchanted with the repeated sufferings of life. When they know the truth of the world and the Dharma throughout, they will see the results clearly, right in the present, that there exists that which lies beyond all suffering. They will know this without having to ask or take it on faith from anyone, for the Dharma is paccattam, i.e., something really to be known for oneself. Those who have seen this truth within themselves will attest to it always.

Quantum Physics of Belief - Empathy

For the past few months, I was writing about quantum physics and business research to explore innovative ways of using the latest research and wisdom to lead and succeed in a global business environment that is constantly evolving at a rapid pace. As leaders, we need to know what’s going on with our teams and employees. Are they facing major obstacles? Is their rational thinking overridden with fear? They are not always willing to say they need help, as they may perceive it as a sign of weakness or they may believe there will be negative repercussions.

Two weeks ago, in an earlier article on emotions, I have described how science is now showing us ways to read the emotions of other people, so we can proactively offer help. I am certainly aware of the unease or self-conscious discomfort that many people feel when a term such as "empathy" is introduced in a business environment. However, in this article, let me show how to take empathy to the next level.

Empathy is the act of recognizing and sharing the feelings (such as jubilation or fear) that are being experienced by another person. New scientific discovery is giving us confidence to expand on this traditional definition by including the ability to pick up on the feelings, bodily sensations of another person. Indeed, empathy is valued currency. It allows us to create bonds of trust, it gives us insights into what others may be feeling or thinking; it helps us understand how or why others are reacting to situations, it sharpens our "people acumen" and informs our decisions. As leaders, this helps us know if an employee needs our help to clear an obstacle or needs to receive some encouragement.

A large number of experiments using functional MRI have shown that certain brain regions are active when people experience a certain emotion and the same regions are active when they see another person experiencing the same emotion. The practice of “feeling into” another person is reportedly used in psychotherapy, and now we can use it in other areas of our lives, including the more mundane business world.

There are numerous studies that link empathy to business results. They include studies that correlate empathy with increased sales, with the performance of the best managers of product development teams and with enhanced performance in an increasingly diverse workforce.

Yes, increasingly, the topic of empathy is encroaching on the business world. We are now even seeing terms such as "empathy marketing" and "empathy selling". Not long ago, I came across the term "user empathy", referring to user interface.

Empathy; which is the ability to imagine yourself in someone else's position, to imagine what they are feeling, to understand what makes people tick, to create relationships and to be caring of others; is very difficult to outsource or automate, and yet is increasingly important to businesses in a global economic environment.

The modern management guru, Dr. Daniel Goleman wrote, "Leaders with empathy, do more than sympathize with people around them: they use their knowledge to improve their companies in subtle, but important ways." This doesn't mean that they agree with everyone's view or try to please everybody. Rather, they "thoughtfully consider employees' feelings – along with other factors – in the process of making intelligent decisions."

Empathy, then, is an ability that is well-worth cultivating. It's a soft, sometimes abstract tool in a leader's toolkit that can lead to hard, tangible results. But where does empathy come from? Is it a process of thinking or of emotion? From a scientific perspective as explained above, I believe that it is both: We need to use our reasoning ability to understand another person's thoughts, feelings, reactions, concerns, motives; This means truly making an effort to stop and think for a moment about the other person's perspective in order to begin to understand where they are coming from: And then we need the emotional capacity to care for that person's concern; Caring does not mean that we would always agree with the person, that we would change our position, but it does mean that we would be in tune with what that person is going through, so that we can respond in a manner that acknowledges their thoughts, feelings or concerns.

When candor is communicated with empathy and caring and not the prideful arrogance of an over inflated ego good things begin to happen. Empathetic communicators display a level of authenticity and transparency that is not present with those who choose to communicate behind the carefully crafted facade propped-up by a very fragile ego. Understanding this communication principle is what helps turn anger into respect and doubt into trust.

So this leads me to a question that I am sometimes asked: "Can you teach someone to be empathetic?" We all know some people who are naturally and consistently empathetic – these are the people who can easily forge positive connections with others. They are people who use empathy to engender trust and build bonds; they are catalysts who are able to create positive communities for the greater good. But even if empathy does not come naturally to some of us, I firmly believe that we can develop this capacity.

Here are a few practical tips you might consider to help you do this:

Smile at people.

Use people's name. Also remember the names of people's spouse and children so that you can refer to them by name.

Take a personal interest in people. Show people that you care, and genuine curiosity about their lives. Ask questions about their hobbies, their challenges, their families, their aspirations.

Listen – truly listen to people. Listen with your ears, eyes and heart. Pay attention to others' body language, to their tone of voice, to the hidden emotions behind what they are saying to you, and to the context.

Don't interrupt people. Don't dismiss their concerns offhand. Don't rush to give advice. Don't change the subject. Allow people their moment.

Be fully present when you are with people. Don't check your email, look at your watch or take phone calls when a direct report drops into your office to talk to you. Put yourself in their shoes. How would you feel if your boss did that to you?

Tune in to non-verbal communication. This is the way that people often communicate what they think or feel, even when their verbal communication says something quite different.

Practice the "93% rule". When communicating about feelings and attitudes,  words – the things we say – account for only 7% of the total message that people receive. The other 93% of the message that we communicate when we speak is contained in our tone of voice and body language. It's important, then, to spend some time to understand how we come across when we communicate with others about our feelings and attitudes.

Encourage people, particularly the quiet ones, when they speak up in meetings. A simple thing like an attentive nod can boost people's confidence.

Give genuine recognition and praise. Pay attention to what people are doing and catch them doing the right things. When you give praise, spend a little effort to make your genuine words memorable: "You are an asset to this team because... "; "This was pure genius"; "I would have missed this if you hadn't picked it up."

Empathy is an emotional and thinking muscle that becomes stronger the more we use it. Try some of these suggestions and watch the reactions of those you work with. I believe you will notice some positive results.

Years ago, I had come across a saying that went something like this: the measure of a man [or woman], is how they treat someone who is of absolutely no use to them. Empathy should not be selective: It should be a daily habit. If I were to create a bumper sticker, I would say: Empathy: Don't Leave Home Without It!

When you “feel into” another person, you are using a part of your brain not typically used in business. There are three levels of your brain and each perceives differently. The lower level reptile brain, which is seldom used in business today, perceives thru subtle, instinctive vibes. To feel into another person, project your awareness to the other person, envision moving down in your brain toward your instinctive senses, and notice the way your body feels.

This is where knowledge of how your own emotions feel in your body really pays off, because you will feel the other people’s emotions the same way you feel your own. When the other person is feeling empowered and confident, you may feel energy rising in your body, perhaps warmness around your chest. If, on the other hand, you feel your energy drop or tighten, the other person is likely tense, worried, feeling overwhelmed, or holding something back. You can feel the steady waves of harmonious people and the adrenaline of people who are afraid or operating from their ego.

This technique works in person, by phone or even email, as long as you feel a connection to the other person and can project your awareness to them. While you are learning this technique it’s important to keep in mind to always verify with the person that you have accurately detected what they are feeling.