11 Dimensions of Self Awareness - Balancing Inner & Outer Lives

5^th Article of the Series

In my previous articles, I have talked about the need for balancing the Wheel of Life and introduced the concept of various dimensions of the Balancing one’s Life. I also discussed the myths surrounding the Balancing of Life. Now, I am going to further explore what it means to balancing the two components of the Wheel of Life, Inner and Outer lives.

People are living and working in an increasingly uncertain, unstable economic and social climate. Many feel frustrated and stressed in their work and home lives. They know that stress damages the body, mind and spirit, yet they feel caught in its trap. 

In the late 1990’s, the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services linked 70 percent of all physical and mental illnesses to some kind of stress. And that number has probably increased over the last decade. Much of this stress comes from struggling with the pressures of work and home - and trying to "balance" both. The problem seems nearly universal, whether in two-worker, single-parent or childless households.

I think these conflicts are so common because people are used to frame the problem incorrectly to begin with. That is, there's no way to balance work life and home life, because both exist on the same side of the scale - what I call the "outer" life. On the other side of the scale is personal, private life - the "inner" life. Instead of thinking about how to balance work life and home life, try, instead, to balance your outer life and inner life.

A Different Balancing Act

Let me explain. On the outer side of the scale you have the complex logistics and daily stresses of life at both work and home… the e-mails to respond to, the errands, family obligations, phone calls, to-do lists and responsibilities that fill your days. Your outer life is the realm of the external, material world. It's where you use your energies to deal with tangible, often essential things; paying your bills, building a career, dealing with people, raising kids, doing household chores, and so on. Your outer life is on your iPhone, BlackBerry, or Facebook and Twitter.

On the other side of the scale is your internal self. It's the realm of your private thoughts and values; your emotions, fantasies, spiritual or religious practices, your capacity to love, your secret desires, and your deeper sense of purpose. In short, it embodies who you are, on the inside. A "successful" inner life is defined by how well you deal with your emotions, your degree of self-awareness, and your sense of clarity about your values and life purpose. It includes your level of mental repose; your capacity for calm, focused action and resiliency that you need in the face of your frenetic, multitasking outer life.

If the realm of the inner life sounds unfamiliar or uncomfortable to you, this only emphasizes how much you - like most people - have lost touch with your inner self. You can become so depleted and stretched by dealing with your outer life that there's little time to tend to your mind, spirit or body. Then, you identify your "self" mostly with who you are in that outer realm. And when there's little on the inner side of the scale, the outer part weighs you down. You are unbalanced, unhappy and often sick.

When your inner life is out of balance with your outer, you become more vulnerable to stress, and that's related to a wide range of physical damage - heart attacks, stroke, hypertension, skin disorders, migraine, to name just a few.

More broadly, when your inner and outer lives become unbalanced, your daily functioning is affected in a range of ways, both subtle and overt. When operating in the outer world - at home, for example, in dealings with your spouse or partner - you may struggle with unjustified feelings of insecurity and fear. You may find yourself at the mercy of anger or greed whose source you don't understand. You may be plagued with indecisiveness or revert to emotional "default" positions forged during childhood, such as submissiveness, rebellion or self-undermining behavior.

Even when you're successful in parts of your outer life, neglecting the inner remains hazardous to your psychological and physical health. Without a developed inner life, you lose the capacity to regulate, channel and focus your energies with awareness, self-direction and judgment. Personal relationships can suffer, your health may deteriorate and you become vulnerable to looking for new stimulation from the outer-world sources you know best - maybe a new "win," a new love affair, drugs or alcohol.

And that pulls you even more off-balance, possibly to the point of no return. The extreme examples are people who destroy their outward success with behavior that reflects a complete disengagement from their inner lives - corporate executives led away in handcuffs for indulging in ill-gotten gains, self-destructive sports stars overcome by the trappings of their outer-life successes, political leaders whose flawed personal lives destroy their credibility, clerics who are staunch moralists at the pulpit but sexual predators or adulterers behind closed doors.

Of course, most people want to function well in the outer, material world. Doing so is part of a successful adult life. But what you choose to go after in work and life often reflects values and behavior that you've been socially conditioned into through your family and society. Much of that can be hard to see because you're immersed in it. What gets lost along the way is what your inner life might tell you about the consequences and value of what you pursue in your outer life.

Learning to Rebalance

But there's good news - reframing your challenge from trying to balance work and home to balancing your inner and outer lives will help you build overall health, internal well-being and resilience in your pursuit of outer life success.

That is, servicing your inner life builds healthy, positive control over your life - mastery and self-directed action, not suppression or rationalization. A stronger inner life creates a solid moral core and harmonizes your inner and outer selves. It informs your choices and actions by providing the calm and centeredness essential for knowing what demands or allures of the outer world you want to go after, or let pass; and how to deal with the consequences of either.

For example - clarifying which of the personal commitments, career goals and relationships you want or don't want. Whether this job or career is what you really desire, despite the money it pays or what people tell you that you should want. And, whether you believe that your relationship gives you and your partner the kind of positive, energized connection you want and need.

In short, a strengthened inner life brings your "private self" and your "public self" into greater harmony. That's the foundation you need for dealing with the stress-potential of outer world choices and conflicts; for knowing how and why you're living and using your energies out there in the ways that you do. With a robust inner life you feel grounded and anchored. You know who you are and what you're truly living for. Your inner life builds a state of heightened self-awareness and wholeness; a "heart that listens," as King Solomon asked for.

It is important that you must be able to see the gap between your inner life values - your ‘true’ self - and the choices you make based on your outer life conditioning - your ‘false’ self.

Finding the Gaps

A good initial step toward awakening your inner life is to identify the gaps between what you believe in, on the inside, and what you do on the outside. Everyone has those gaps. 

Here's an exercise that can help you awaken to them:

• First, make a list of what you believe to be your core, internal values or ideals (5- 10 entries). Perhaps it includes raising a strong, creative child; close friendships; expressing a creative talent that's important to you. It might include your spiritual life; an intimate marriage or partnership; or contributing your talents, energies or success to the society in some way.

• Next, make a parallel list for each item on your list, describing your daily actions relative to those values: How much time and energy do you spend on them in real time? What are your specific behaviors regarding each? Be detailed in your answers - note the last time you took an action aimed at nurturing that creative child, building your marriage or giving some meaningful help to the less fortunate. Don't be surprised or ashamed if you find that very few of your daily activities reflect those key values.

• Assign a number from 1 to 5 measuring the gap between each value and your behavior - 1 representing a minimal gap; 5, the maximum.

• Identify the largest gaps. Now think about how your inner values could redirect your outer-life choices in those areas. What would you have to do to bring the ‘inner you’ in synch with the ‘outer you’? What can you commit yourself to doing?

• Write it all down and set a reasonable time frame for reducing your gaps.

Developing your inner life is a practice. Think of it like building a muscle or developing skill in a sport or musical instrument.

Next week, I’ll discuss the four dimensions of the Home Life, part of the eight dimensions of Outer Life.

In the meantime, I welcome you to share your Self-Awareness story in the comments section below and I promise to read your story.

11 Dimensions of Self-Awareness - Myths about Balancing Life

4^th article of the Series

Myths usually are trouble makers. They seem true to us and we naturally follow our truth. However, when things don’t go as planned, we fail to identify these as the cause and keep repeating our mistakes. There are some major myths about balancing of life as well. When people begin thinking about balancing life and start working on it, these myths create havoc and confusion.

o   Balance Means “Equal”

Balance means equal and hence, balancing life means distributing time equally between all areas of life. This is a myth.

Reality: There are times in your life when it's vitally important to pay attention to your career. At other times, family concerns may be more important. Sometimes the important thing is education. Sometimes it's putting back money for retirement.

I like to think of those choices as an act of juggling. Every now and then one of the balls you're juggling will drop to the floor because you're paying too much attention to the other balls. That's OK for the time being.

But some of the balls you're juggling are glass/crystal balls. If you drop, they break, and often can't be put back together again. Relationships are often glass/crystal balls. There will always be a time when one area of our life requires more attention than other. Balancing life means to listen to and be aware of each area and its requirements. Balancing life means accessing the wisdom within us and allocating time and attention as required to each area.

o   Balancing Formula Is Universal

Everyone seeks to balance life. If one person has cracked the code and found how to balance life, it is ok to apply the same formula in our lives. Since we all are human beings, the formula to balance life must be universally applicable. This is a myth.

Reality: Even though all of us are humans, we are unique individuals with unique life, priorities and needs. We can get inspired and pick and choose ideas to apply to our lives, we can learn from others success and failures; but we cannot do a copy and paste. A blind copy-paste will not work. You can say, to each, his own formula.

o   Balance Is All About My Life

We think that when we learn to manage our time, balance our life, live life based on our priorities, we have succeeded. We need to focus on balancing only our life. This is a myth.

Reality: While predominantly balancing is about your life, an important aspect to balancing life is balancing others lives as well. Since we live in an inter-dependant world, lives tend to be inter-dependant and so does balancing. For instance, if life of our spouse or sibling is not balanced, sooner or later it will impact our life balance. Moreover, if their life imbalance is because of us, then it becomes our responsibility to make sensible changes in our life so that both lives can be balanced.

o   Life is a collection of individual areas

It is possible to keep life in little boxes and keep each one under control. Life is a collection of individual areas. This is a myth.

Reality: Life is a giant system made up of interconnected parts that affect each other. Life is about trade-offs. 

When you are devoting too much time (and only you know what is too much) to your career, every other aspect of your life is impacted. Every aspect of your life is intricately entwined with every other area. If you choose to devote no time to your personal growth, you will lack skill, understanding or wisdom that could contribute positively to some other aspect of your life.

If you take time to go to the gym, you can't use that time to shop for groceries. The money you spend on self-development courses will probably affect what you spend on vacation or what you put back for the college fund for your kids. When you're on a business trip, you can't be at the dance recital. 

Every time you make a decision to spend time in a certain way, like passing time reading this article, you have eliminated all other choices of time use now. Once you decide to go to a movie, you have eliminated the options of dinner, dancing, golf and so on. Once you decide to work late you have chosen to sacrifice something else. I don't mean to be funny, but you can't be in two places at once. You can't be on vacation and at work too, although many people try. Once you choose one restaurant for dinner you have eliminated all others for that meal.

The trick is to make the choices yourself instead of letting them happen to you. Set your priorities. Make your choices in line with them. Many successful people, for example, believe that family time is important. They act on that belief by scheduling that time first, every year or month or week. 

Next week, we will take a look at the Wheel of Life and initiate a discussion on the different dimensions that influence our lives. That overview will be the preface for the detailed review of balancing each one of the dimensions of the Life Wheel to follow in later articles of this series.

In the meantime, I welcome you to share your story on balancing your Wheel of Life in the comments section of this blog below and I promise to read your story.

11 Dimensions of Self Awareness - Trouble Balancing Life?

Part 3 of the Series

There are relationship, career, personal interest, family and social demands… all screaming for attention in our life. Each of us has the same amount of time available to us as we begin a new day. Twenty four hours to use or abuse as we see fit. There never seems to be enough.

Many people live with daily frustration unable to manage some or all of the dimensions of Wheel of Life effectively. They are anxious, troubled and often angry at the relentless passage of time that is insensitive to their wishes, demands, frustrations and goals.


Many of these people feel stuck, have given up, or have settled, thinking, this is just the way it is, and has to be. They see themselves as a pawn to the demands and expectations to one or more areas of their life therefore, robbing themselves of the pleasure and happiness that is available to everyone who has learned to live with balance.


These people are out of balance, and they know it. They are puppets on a string waiting for the next tug that pulls them this way or that. They feel like their life is out of control. They feel stuck. They see themselves with very few options. They don't realize that the choices they make, or have made in the past, determine their next options. Poor choices in the present result in fewer future options. Yes, we all, always have choices, but if these choices are made with a narrow vision of what can be, an unclear picture of reality, or clouded perceptions and interpretations of people and circumstances, they will always be made with limited resources and understanding.


These people remain stuck. Some have moved on in some area of their life, but they still feel unable to shed the feelings of anxiety that there is more to do, more to become, more to have, and more to learn, and not enough time to do it.


There are several major areas in a person’s life that demand a portion of their available time. They are: family, career or business, social, personal development, spiritual development, physical development, personal interests or hobbies, friends, misc. social activities, and let's not forget time to sleep and eat.


Is it possible to live a balanced life? Is it possible to satisfy the expectations either from ourselves or the outside world, on how we should be using our time? Is it possible to have it all? Become it all? Do it all? See it all? Learn it all? Read it all? No, it's not that kind of world.


So we are back to choosing. How each of us chooses to use or spend our time is a very individual matter. Juggling the expectations of a boss, customers, a spouse, children, parents, friends, siblings, and the world in general is a difficult and delicate task at best. No one has an answer, or easy formula to this very difficult life issue. You will not find an answer in this article. What I hope you will find, however is some insight or self-discovery as to why you are feeling as you are and the courage to modify any behavior or attitudes that are sabotaging one or several areas of your life.


You may have noticed that when one area of your life is out of harmony or balance that it impacts every other area as well. When you are devoting too much time (and only you know what is too much) to your career, every other aspect of your life is impacted. Every aspect of your life is intricately entwined with every other area. If you choose to devote no time to your personal growth, you will lack skill, understanding or wisdom that could contribute positively to some other aspect of your life. By the same token, if you spend time regularly relaxing or meditating, it could help you find the patience or calmness that you will bring to your career or family issues.


Why do people get out of balance?


There are a number of causes that include but are not limited to:


Unrealistic goals or a lack of goals, lack of planning, a need for approval and/or acceptance, inadequate personal growth, over estimation of abilities or skills, the inability to say no, the desire to please, lack of discipline, arrogance, greed, insensitivity, lack of spiritual development, un-managed ambition, the need for power, un-checked egos, lack of commitment and a lack of congruence or integrity. It’s a hefty list. I would guess that everyone who is out of balance in their life is guilty of several of these. However, it only takes one.


Being out of balance in life doesn't feel good. We often feel like the special people in our lives are being cheated. What you might not realize is that you may from time to time cheat your children, friends or a spouse, but you are always cheating yourself when no matter where you are, who you are with or what you are doing, you wish you were with someone else or doing something else.


Life is lived in the present, one moment at a time. It is not lived yesterday or tomorrow, but now. Every time you make a decision to spend time in a certain way, like passing time reading this article, you have eliminated all other choices of time use now. Once you decide to go to a movie, you have eliminated the options of dinner, dancing, golf and so on. Once you decide to work late you have chosen to sacrifice something else. I don't mean to be funny, but you can't be in two places at once. You can't be on vacation and at work too, although many people try. Once you choose one restaurant for dinner you have eliminated all others for that meal.


People need to understand that they have choices, and that the choices they make and the consequences that come with them are a part of the bargain. Frustration sometimes sneaks into people's lives when they believe it is possible to break the rules and have it all, do it all or become it all.


You chose your career and life path. You chose your current relationship. You chose your current circumstances by the previous choices you have made. You made them for you. Even if you are in a career that was chosen for you by your parents (and that happens less and less today, than years ago) you have chosen to stay in it even if you are unhappy. You have given the power in your life over to someone else.


If you rationalize that you have to work eighty hours a week and weekends because your boss or organization expects it, you have given up your power to someone else. Then you might say, but I need this job or career. I need the money. No, you have chosen to need it. You could have chosen a different more modest lifestyle that would have required less income. You may feel like you are stuck in a relationship emotionally, physically or financially. Again I doubt that anyone forced you into it. You may have gone into it with closed eyes, but you chose to keep your eyes closed. Like it or not in every situation in life you are where you are because of your choices. Want a better life? Make different choices.


I would like to share a few ideas with you that may help you put balance back into your life, so that you can find time for the people and goals in your life that are possibly being shortchanged, including yourself.


*- Spend some quiet time reflecting on the quality of your life in general. Not just a single area, but consider every aspect, and the relationship of each to your overall life.


*- Make a list of all the areas or people in your life that are coming up short and why.


*- Determine which area of your life is getting most of your time and energy, and which is getting the least. Ask yourself why. Is the gain in one area worth paying the price of a loss in another area? Only you can answer that question, and only you will pay the price or enjoy the rewards.


*- Write a note to yourself about how you would like your life to look like, six months from now. Describe in detail how you spend your time, and what proportions of time are dedicated to the various activities and people in your life.


*- Give yourself at least thirty minutes a day for the next thirty days to reflect on your overall life goals and your progress toward them.


*- Write a personal mission statement. Include your life philosophy, guiding principles, desired outcomes and overall direction you want your life to take.


*- Move ahead mentally to age 70. What have you accomplished? What do your relationships look like? Who have you become and what is important to you? Now work backwards. What do you need to change now to get where you say you want to be. Remember, you change the quality of your future in the present.


*- Ask several people who know you well, and will be honest and non judgmental, to offer some feedback on your life and its direction. Listen and learn with an open and receptive attitude. You may not change because of the feedback they give you, but the insight you gain can give you some ideas that could be life changing.


*- Take a few days off from your job, career and/or current relationships. Spend time in a place that you are at peace and alone. It could be the beach, the mountains or anywhere where you can spend quality time with yourself evaluating your life without the distractions and expectations of others. Go with no agenda other than self-discovery.


*- If you do not keep a journal of your thoughts, lessons learned, life progress, feelings, interests, or observations, start one today. Take a few minutes at the end of each day recording whatever you feel in some way contributed to who you are, how you feel, and who you are becoming.


*- Develop an action plan to begin to re-allocate your time and energy to those people or activities that are important to you.


*- It isn't necessary to sell your business, quit your job or end a relationship to find better balance in your life. It requires a conscious awareness of what your life is really like, a desire to modify it in some way, the courage to change, the necessary skills and the commitment to stick with it.


*- Learn to detach from other people's emotional and or physical hold over you. It will not be easy. There will be people who use blame, guilt, manipulation or any number of emotional or physical techniques to keep you stuck in past behavior or thought patterns. They will know how to push your buttons hoping to control you in some way. When you permit others to manipulate you in any way, you give them power over your life. Detachment means letting go of the hold other people have over you. You can still love them and want to be with them, but you no longer have to be a slave to their "stuff."


*- Don't try and change everything over-night. It takes time to change attitudes and behavior that have developed over the years. Be patient and loving with yourself. But you must also hold yourself accountable. Letting yourself off the hook or making excuses will not put you on the road back to a balanced life.


*- Reward your successes. Treat yourself when you achieve a "worked for" result. Make it something symbolic or significant, but whatever it is make sure you take time to bask in the sunshine of success. Then begin again. Don't spend too much time basking, or you may fall back into your old habits. Change, permanent change requires vigilance and persistence. You can't let up until you have achieved total and permanent success. It will always be possible to fall back, so even though you have reached your goal, don't become too casual or relaxed. There will be new people and circumstances lurking in the shadows for a vulnerable moment. Be watchful.


None of these steps may be easy. Only you can decide if the potential outcome of more balance and inner peace are worth the price that must be paid. Don't change because of guilt, other people's expectations, or some casual or superficial whim. If you like working seventy hours a week and seeing your kids once a month for a few hours. Fine! If you want to change, that's fine too. But do it for healthy emotional or physical reasons not ego-driven motives.


Some final thoughts.


Total balance in life is an ideal. There will always be times when you may be temporarily out of balance devoting extra time to a new career, project, relationship or activity. This is healthy and normal; however be on the lookout that these times don't stretch into years or decades. It is then that you may end up paying the heavy price of regret in one area of your life. Regret weighs tons, but the daily discipline of change weighs only ounces.


If you have paid any attention to the reasons why your life is out of balance or the steps that I have suggested above to balancing your Wheel of Life, you should have realized that most of the discussion is pointing to the concepts of Self-awareness that we talked about in the earlier articles of this series. The troubles that you are facing in your life are a result of your lack of Self-awareness. It is absolute that your life can only become as fulfilled or produce effects consciously and purposefully based on the level of Self-awareness or the lack there of, that you possess. Developing Self-awareness will enable and empower you to become a conscious and purposeful creator of the events, conditions and circumstances that make up your life.
Help yourself become the best you can be by developing that Self-awareness, and find joy in each and every step you take in the direction of positive change.


Next week, I’ll attempt to dispel some of the myths surrounding the balancing of Life.

In the meantime, I welcome you to share your Self-awareness story on this blog and I promise to read your story.