Inner And Outer Realities

Continuing with the last week's thoughts on my outer world realities as a reflection of my inner turmoil; is it any wonder that if we are inwardly in turmoil then we are certain to see a tumultuous world? 

Just as we question our personal intentions and behaviors to change, we also must question the social intentions and behaviors of our current society. The two are never separate. What applies to the individual is equally applicable to the collectivity and the society.

Growth and moving forward begins the moment we summon the courage to create change in our lives. Courage is a universal phenomenon. It is something we all muster up in times of challenge.

Come Together

The challenges and travails we endure as individuals we also endure as a collective society. However, without awareness of this we fail to see that our individual problems stem from the fact that our cultural ethic condones a life of isolation, fear for survival, the need for comparison, as well as a multitude of other ways of being that diminish our quality of life. And in the same way that we are numb to the disastrous effects that the corporate state is having on the planet, so too are we numb to the fact that this corporate state and the life it espouses is detrimental to us as individuals.

Finding Ethics Over Fear

Early this year, as part of a series of articles on Quantum Physics of Beliefs, I wrote in one of those articles, Quantum Physics of Belief - Scarcity is a Limiting Belief that the competitive business practices advocate that there is not enough for everyone to win, and therefore we have to make sure we are one of the winners. This demonstrates that we believe profits are not abundant, but rather they are scarce; and that the only way to secure our personal or business need is to compete against each other. As shown in that article, this fear driven ethic is simply a self-limiting belief; underlying this is a profound reality that there is no limit to the abundance that exists in the world, except for the limits that exist in our minds. As such, we can learn to be better at choosing how we perceive the world.

But without questioning and inquiring into the possibility of a new way of life, at both the individual level and at the societal level, we condone a spiritual death that eventually consumes the entire soul of humanity.

I encourage you to think for yourself and question standard cultural assumptions. For example, question to yourself, what is “progress” at the social level? Is progress all about how we create greater sums of profit? But has not profiteering off the destruction of our ecosystems had devastating global consequences?

Outward To Inward

The dominant cultural ethic suggests to us that our advancements in technology, medicine, and production outweigh the consequences of their proliferation. Yet, a race that is not mature enough to use advanced technology destroys itself. A race that does not allow its greatest medical achievements to reach everyone, because it is a for-profit industry, leaves millions bankrupt and or dead prematurely. We need to look at this reality if we are to grow as individuals.

Whatever happened to the idea that progress is the creation of a communal ethic that creates harmony out of the empathy we feel for each other?

Real individual growth is all about being aware to the fact that our lives are inseparable and thus creating a society that allows for harmony between our inner and outer realities. Without questioning ourselves and without questioning society we fail to grow. The two are not separate. Everyone depends on each other for their individual survival.

Given the state of our world as it is now we can no longer afford to be afraid to look at the hard truth.

Facing the Change

It is becoming overwhelmingly apparent that our society is in the midst of big challenges. Here in the United States of America we have staggering inequality, a real unemployment rate around 8%, and the future of our current economic infrastructure is in imminent danger of collapsing.

The corporate elite who cajoled the public, without a voice, into bailing out their institutions with taxpayer subsidies created a situation that devastated the middle and lower classes. The elite who control political and economic affairs know the system is broken. They are using all tactics possible to accumulate the last bits of wealth and dismantle public power as they go out to create their untouchable gated oasis.

Unregulated markets make monsters out of men, and yet the real problem is our apathy that condones this way of life. We must seek personal insights to overcome our unique personal challenges; we also need to seek social insight into the way we live.

Again, as we fail to see that the collective social problem is our personal problem we are creating a future that is not in the favor of the majority of people. The excess and narcissistic indulgence that we enjoy now comes at a major cost when we will no longer be able to afford the security we need to survive in the future as the integrity of our planet degrades.

Living As One

Spiritual and emotional work is not just personal. It is primarily social.  Imagine asking Martin Luther King or Gandhi what was important to them. It was not their individual gains that led to personal well being, but rather it was the joy and sense of accomplishment they received from their involvement in pushing society towards justice for all. When we continue to allow those in power to keep “business as usual” without protesting for what is “right” justice and equality continue to decay. To see the truth can be a scary thing. But without knowledge and insight we will not grow, but rather, we will cannibalize ourselves into spiritual death.

St. Augustine stated that the rebel knows that hope has two beautiful daughters, anger and courage — anger at the way things are and the courage to see they do not remain as they are. We are at a point now that individual growth is short sighted if it does not account for the well-being of others and a healthy functioning planet.

Do not expect any government to fix these problems. These problems are not exterior to any of us. They are within us. And only with radical courage to see things as they are and a determined collective of voices to make change can we grow as both individuals and as a collective society. We are undoubtedly one. And the challenges we face as individuals, in a profound way, arise because we have lost sight of establishing a society that puts the gains of the community first as opposed to the gains of the individual.

Next week, I'll continue with the interconnection between the inner and outer realities. Namaste!

When helping others is your life purpose

I hope you and yours have been well. It's been nearly 4 months since I took a leave of absence from writing here on my weekly eMBC Blog due to some very personal reasons including an unexpected death in the family. I realize that we are in an increased time of change... You too may be feeling a lot of movement or experiencing a lot of movement in your relationships, careers and life. As is the nature of change, it brings in exactly the energies necessary for us to move toward the Golden Age of empowerment, but it will require you to LET GO of all things not serving you... your misaligned patterns, behaviors, beliefs, relationships and habits. Don't fight it... instead, surrender so you may move with the waters of change. I promise they will take you exactly where you need to go.

While I was away, I did a lot of introspection on my purpose of doing this, writing blog articles, talking on the internet radio shows; hoping that this will somehow make a difference in the lives of other people either reading or listening in or am I crazy?

When helping others is your life purpose

I BELIEVE THAT EACH PERSON has a personal mission in life—something that you agreed to learn during this lifetime. It could be patience, forgiveness, compassion, balance, self-care, integrity, and so forth. Everyone is working on a soul-growth lesson.

In addition to their personal missions, some individuals agreed to take on “global missions,” which involve helping people, animals, the environment, or a cause other than themselves. Not everyone has a global mission. Some people on Earth are only living for their own personal growth.

Those who have global missions are known as lightworkers. This is a name I am using that encompasses similar terms such as Indigo, Crystal, and Earth Angel. You know you are a lightworker if you feel compelled to help others, and deeply care about the world. You attract people who need help, and you are sensitive to the needs of those around you. In fact, you sometimes feel that you are a bit too sensitive, as you absorb energies from others’ moods.

As a lightworker, you have always felt a sense of purpose, as if there is something important that you are destined to do in this lifetime. You may not know what this destiny entails, but you can feel it. All lightworkers do.

There is even a sense of time urgency associated with this, like an alarm clock ringing in the pit of your gut, urging you to go, go, go and make a positive difference in the world. These feelings are universal among lightworkers.

The great news is that, as a lightworker, you have been making a positive difference your entire life. You radiate healing energy that soothes others and brings peace wherever you go. That’s because your main global purpose is to love, which is something you do naturally. You care about people; and you wish that everyone could be happy, healthy, and well provided for. You are a giver.

So, the form that your mission takes is secondary as long as you extend Divine love. In other words, when you think about a career as a spiritual healer or teacher, the type of work you do isn’t important. Whether you teach or practice Reiki, Angel Therapy, medium-ship, or some other modality... if it’s done from a place of loving service, everything else is details.

With that in mind, there is a practical consideration when deciding on or forming a long-term relationship with your chosen field. Please make sure it is an area that truly excites and interests you. It is not smart to select one just because you have seen another person gain material success by that avenue.

Whatever type field you choose, please be certain that you love it. I have watched people create career goals with their heads, using business plans and projections, only to meet with one obstacle after another because their hearts weren’t in the work. And while planning and projecting can be helpful and prudent starting points for new business ventures, make sure that you are leading with your heart.

In spiritually based careers, your feelings and intuition are your road map. Your head is second in charge, as the employee of your heart.

So what topic—even if it seems illogical—really excites you? Let’s ask your higher self:

Take a moment to relax in a quiet place, either lying down or sitting. Close your eyes if possible, and give yourself full permission to dream about your ideal career. Then notice what images, thoughts, and feelings come to you:

§     Are you working alone, with a co-worker, or with several co-workers?

§     Do you operate from home, out of a healing center, or where?

§     What type of clients or students are you involved with?

§     How do you feel about this work?

As you allow yourself to imagine your ideal career, notice how warm and fulfilled you feel. These feelings are the ultimate paycheck, the greatest reward. And as you feel satisfied, your material benefits are drawn to you by the universal Divine Energy.

Your dream of having a full-time career as a ______ (fill in the blank) is much more than a dream. It’s a sign. If you continually imagine yourself having a meaningful career that supports you and your family financially, emotionally, and spiritually, then this is a sign that your life purpose involves this type of work.

Lightworkers are, by definition, sensitive. They are receptive to the energies in any room they walk into. They are attuned to other people’s moods and feelings and to environmental factors such as chemicals, pollution, or noise. They are conscious of the presence of angels.

And they are also sensitive to other people’s opinions. This sensitivity is both a gift and a lifesaving instinct. You see, your overall personality remains fairly constant throughout lifetimes. Once a lightworker, always a lightworker. Remember: Doesn't matter what field you have chosen... You already are a spiritual teacher and healer. You were born one, and you have been practicing your art for lifetimes.

How to Succeed Courageously

Hundreds and maybe thousands of books and articles have been written on what it takes to succeed in life. I’d think that it is not as complicated as most people make it. As the year is coming to an end in a few more days, here is my list on how to succeed in life. Take what is best for you and leave the rest.

1. We are in this together! I can’t think of a single “success story” that has a cast of only one. There are always multiple players involved. Each of us brings talents, skills, abilities and contributions to the outcome. Focus on what you do best—know your strengths—and surround yourself with those that are strong where you are not. It takes guts to own your challenges and is a sure sign of a winner to seek out those that bring other talents to the team… be courageous.

2. Actions First… Feelings Follow! If you feel that you are not where you want to be today, take action. Tomorrow will be no different from today if you do the same things you have always done. That old classic definition of insanity comes to mind here: doing the same thing over and over, yet expecting different results. Change happens TO you, transformation happens WITHIN. You may not feel like trying something different, do it anyway… your feelings will follow.

3. You are what you think! Remember those signs in your elementary school hallways: “You are what you eat”? I say, “You are what you THINK”. It’s true that thoughts become things and that whatever you think about most is what is most present in your life. Henry Ford was right when he said, “Whether you think you can or can’t, you are right.” Think you can, ALWAYS!

4. It’s all on you! Your life really is yours! You get to make all the choices, you get to choose the cast of characters and you get to write your ‘book’. Just like all stories, though… there will be an end. What’s important in life is not just the journey, but the quality of the journey. That’s why it’s important to make every day the best it can be, because this moment is all any of us can really count on.

5. Be true to you! Take time for yourself every day—even if only a few minutes (10-30) to honor you and show yourself the “love”. For you, maybe its meditation, maybe its physical activity like working out, maybe it’s reading a book or taking a bubble bath. Whatever the choice for you, do it! You must recharge your battery, or you’ll have nothing left to give. You can’t run on caffeine, little to no sleep and sheer determination for long.

6. Back up and Re-group! If you hit a wall, find another way to make it work. There is always more than one way to achieve something. Quitting never wins… perseverance will. Whatever the *it* is for you, stick with it. You may get an outcome other than what you expected, however don’t look at that as failure. You have most definitely learned something and that is a tremendous gift. Remove the word “failure” from your vocabulary… it’s not failure… only feedback. Learn from it! Then try, try again; another way!

7. You’ll pick up what you are putting down! You always get back what you put out there. If you want help, serve others. If you want open and honest relationships, guess what! You have to be a model of openness and honesty. If you want acceptance, then you must accept others. The real power in this ‘law’ is just like Zig Ziglar said, “You can only get what you want if you help enough other people get what they want.”

Choose to live life to the fullest every moment. Choose to surround yourself with those that compliment you and give you positive energy. Choose to keep at it no matter the challenges. Choose to treat yourself with kindness and love. Choose to take action even when you initially don’t feel like it. Choose your thoughts wisely, as thoughts become things. Choose to put out there what you want back and choose to live, laugh and love in every moment.

What say you, fellow leaders, what are your keys to courageous success?

Thanks-[for]-Giving

How a simple shift in gratitude can make a world of difference?

Here in America, we celebrated our Thanksgiving Holiday last week. The holiday symbolizes the end of the harvest season and is a day of celebration and thanks for the abundance and good fortune we have in our lives, no matter how meager or scarce.

This Thanksgiving, I invite you to take a look at how a simple shift to being grateful for what you have been able to give may be more powerful, creative, and worthy of celebration than merely being grateful for what you have received. In fact, you might even start a revolution that truly brings greater abundance and good fortune to both your life and the world.

I don’t believe that we are automatically entitled to abundance, nor that abundance is something that we can simply wish or believe into existence. It’s been my experience that the world works on a give and then receive basis and that true abundance is something we create and we create abundance by generating value.

Generating value is not rearranging, accumulating, reallocating, or exchanging one value for another. It’s not about taking value away from anyone. To generate value means to create or add new value; value and goodness that did not previously exist. For instance, when you smile at someone or hold a door for them you create new value. When you help someone to learn, to grow, or to unleash their potential you create new value. When you ease suffering or bring a measure of joy without taking anything away from anyone else, including yourself, you generate new value.

Creating value is like creating a new source of renewable energy; once created it can perpetuate and build upon itself. This is the basic principle behind the “pay it forward” and “random acts of kindness” concepts.

This Thanksgiving, and from this day forth, try first being grateful for the opportunities you had to generate value; to make a difference and to give of yourself. Then, and only then, celebrate gratitude for the value and goodness that has come back to you as result of your generosity. If you don’t have anything to be grateful for, go create it!

Just keep asking yourself The Central Question – “What choice can I make and action can I take, in this moment, to create the greatest net value?”

What you may notice is that the more value you generate in the world, the more abundance you experience for yourself.

Imagine if you shared this notion with just one other person and they began to think of gratitude this way. Who knows what might happen. If people practiced this form of gratitude and began to see the powerful connection between the value we create and the value we are blessed to receive as a result, people would be creating value like crazy. I mean, think about it: if you shared it with just two or three people a day, I say just two or three people, and then they shared it with two or three people and everybody started creating greater value. Well, that would make YOU the instigator of immeasurable new value.

Can you imagine if a hundred, or a thousand, or a million, or one hundred million people all around the world were giving thanks for the value they’ve been able to create that day! And friends, that’s what it is. It’s the start of the Gen-V 2020 Revolution. It could create a global paradigm shift from a self-centric mindset to a value-centric mindset and put an end to conflict, suffering and scarcity! And all you need to do to join is to start thinking more value-centrically: asking yourself “The Central Question” and giving thanks FOR giving and only then for the blessings of true abundance that come as a result.

3 Ways Power Changes People

How much does power go to your head? If it didn’t, then you’re the exception and you’re magnanimous and generous of spirit.

According to numerous studies, people put into power positions are prone to a couple of behavior changes:

1.    Power makes most people become more focused on their own needs and wants

2.    Power changes people to become less focused on what others need, want and do

3.    Power influences people to act as if rules others are expected to follow don’t apply to them

Consider this scenario. Three people are working together. A plate of five cookies is made available on the break. Social norms dictate that no one takes the last (fifth) cookie, but what about the fourth?

In an experiment for the research study, groups of individuals were placed into teams of three, to evaluate the output (the “boss”). During the break, the experimenter arrived with a plate of five cookies. This allowed each participant to take one cookie, and at least one participant to comfortably take a second cookie, thus leaving one cookie on the plate. No one was expected to take the fifth cookie and no one did. But what about the fourth, the one that could be taken without awkwardness, or negotiation?

The results of the study showed that the “boss” (the evaluator) was clearly more likely to take a second cookie.  (Videotapes of the interactions also showed them more likely to eat with their mouths open and scattering crumbs widely.)

The conclusion is that individuals in power are more “disinhibited” and prone to focus on their own needs to the exclusion of others.

This is just one study showing bad boss behaviors and how “power corrupts.” There are many others. Maybe you can think of a few examples in your experience when the boss ate the fourth cookie with his/her mouth open?

Leave a comment.

If you’re wondering if you’ve fallen into these power traps, you might benefit from some outside coaching. Give me a call.

Are you out of control with the daily drama of the Dow (DJI)?

Often fear originates in our mind because, as much as we try, we have little control over the future. And, the future is where we tend to look for our security, seeking the assurance that everything will be all right. The illusion is that we have control over many variables in our daily life and that seems to make us feel better, at least temporarily. However, we really have no control over anything, other than our next breath and our next thought.

I know of very few people who are not being severely affected by the economic roller coaster roaring through Wall Street and into our daily lives-it is, without doubt, a very frightening ride; the fear of loss and being out of control is palpable. Since the financial meltdown of 2008 I have been observing how the ups and downs of the stock market affect people’s sense of well-being. In some regards the Dow Jones Index (here in after, I’ll just call it Dow) is similar to a barometer that reports the amount of fear pulsating through the collective consciousness. In the financial industry they actually make a practice of measuring these pulsations using a gauge called the VIX (Volatility Index). It is often referred to as the fear index or the fear gauge because it represents one measure of the market's expectation of stock market volatility over the next 30 days. Talk about forecasting our future based on the energy of fear and expectation of loss. The result is, for many, the Dow is like a “reverse” biofeedback device that, rather than detecting how we are feeling, tells us how we should be feeling each day; when the Dow is up it gives us cause to feel good - when the Dow is down it gives us cause to feel a bit down as well. Metaphorically speaking this is like the tail wagging the dog. No wonder we feel so out of control.

If the drama of the Dow has got you feeling down... and up... and down, it is safe to say you are not alone. What is happening on the Wall Street (and in Washington DC, as well as around the world) stirs up our fears because it brings us to the very edge of not knowing what the future holds reminding us that we are not nearly as much in control of our lives we think we are. What I do know is this: While we may not have control over the dramatic events unfolding before our eyes, we have absolute control of what is going on behind our eyes. In other words, we can choose to either respond or react to the mystery of the moment and that choice will determine how we experience the roller coaster ride. The primary reason the drama of the Dow is so volatile is that the system is hardwired to operate reactively, triggered by the fear and the perception of loss rather than faith and expectation of increase. How do you perceive life in this moment? Self-inquiry is a sound spiritual practice you might want to employ as you take a look at how you approach life today. Are you mindlessly and fearfully reacting to or mindfully and faithfully responding to what you see and hear on the six-o’clock news? It’s never too late to change how you perceive what is. (You may want to read a couple of postings I made recently on my Facebook page – on 1. Perceptions – URL: https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=254789771212592&set=a.158130517545185.36519.100000447132850&type=1&theater  and 2. Mindfullness - URL: https://www.facebook.com/notes/drsurya-m-ganduri/mindfulness/197322030327608.)

The primary difference between mindfully responding as opposed to mindlessly reacting is that by responding we create an intentional gap (or space) in time and mind where we can breathe and pull ourselves out of the future and anchor ourselves in the present moment long enough to become the detached observer of our own thoughts and feelings before we say or do anything. The “response gap” is a sacred space whereby hitting the emotional “pause button” we consciously create an opening for the presence of the Divine to be revealed within us. Will seeing the drama of the Dow through the eyes of Infinite Intelligence give us more control over the uncertainties of the stock market? Not necessarily, but it will absolutely give us control over our own thinking process in the present moment which is our only true point of power. When we are present in the moment we are led to make clear minded choices which can include the mindfulness practice of knowing what and when to let go of that which causes us to suffer.

Reconciling what we have control over and what we don’t have control over is the first step to making peace with what is. There always has been and shall continue to be the metaphoric roller coaster rides in life, be it the stock market, the weather, or any of the other millions of variables over which we really have no control. Perhaps there is greater wisdom than we know in the ancient saying, “This too shall pass.” It’s true - anything that has a beginning must also have an end, including the current cycle of economic uncertainty. That awareness may take a bit of the power away from those who worship the god of the VIX.

If the drama of the Dow has you feeling down and a bit out of control, gently guide yourself back to the remembrance of the Divine Essence from which you came, which  is also the ultimate source of all that is. You are one with the source of your good so focus on what you do have control over - your next breath and your next thought. May it be one that brings you peace in this moment... after all, it’s really all there is, so why not breathe and enjoy the ride.

Are you an Empathic Listener?

In a TV interview sometime ago, Stephen Covey described his The Seven Habits Of Highly Effective People as guiding principles that "…encourage people to take a mindful approach to life - not letting trivial urgencies of day-to-day life get in the way of the most important things."

The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People is indeed a seven-part model for effective performance in business and personal life. Its philosophy is that human beings can take control of their own destinies by how they react to life and external factors, and that they will achieve happiness, success and spiritual fulfillment if they adopt the seven habits Covey advocates.

In this article, I am only going to focus on the listening habits. Covey says that "most people listen with the intent to reply, not to understand." Because we are so eager to get our own point of view across, we tend not to listen properly to what the other person is saying. If we can first understand what the speaker's point of view is, it will be easier for us to respond in a positive and mutually beneficial way.

Covey recommends taking the time to listen to yourself (habits 1-3) in order to identify your own core values and goals. This step makes it possible for you to behave exactly as you believe the person you wish to be would behave, because it allows you to consult your own values and goals before acting. Thus, you act only in ways that are consistent with those values and goals. This step should be repeated regularly as time passes and circumstances change.

Covey then recommends listening to others (habits 4-6) in order to become aware of the values and goals of others. This enables you to find common ground and thus maintain productive relationships with them.

Covey also recommends regularly seeking to improve (habit 7) and reinforce yourself in ways that are important to you.

According to Covey, when we are speaking to anyone we are usually in one of the five “Listening States” -

1.           Ignoring: – Not Listening

2.           Pretend Listening: – We have all done this, saying “yeah”, “uh-huh”

3.           Selective Listening: – Listening strictly to parts of the conversations and strictly from our point of view.

4.           Attentive Listening: – Focusing and paying attention to the words

5.           Empathetic Listening: – Listening from the other persons point of view, and seeing the world from the others persons perspective.

Most people think that Empathic Listening takes too much time; I have found that with time it becomes natural and you start to automatically do it. It all begins with practice and the dividends you will receive for this are enormous.

Empathic Listening is essential to effective communication. Covey emphasizes the importance, the power, and in some situations the necessity of not merely going through the mechanical responses that might be required for ordinary listening, but opening oneself to the talker to the point where one can actually feel what they are feeling. Covey, as others, believes that the only way to establish communication in some professional and personal situations is by becoming, in small part, the person you are listening to. He uses the words "sensing" (others call it "intuition") to describe the information a listener can perceive through deep, empathic listening. The experience Covey describes, standing for a moment in another's shoes and listening to the world through their ears is something everyone is capable of, but most of us rarely (if ever) deliberately do. It takes time to listen empathically and practice to become adept at it, but the reward is a whole new level of communication and problem solving because a person acquires the ability to see a situation simultaneously from multiple points of view.

Most people take the advice to “Listen” literally and are confused when the conversation dies or does not go anywhere. This is because “Listening” is a means to an end, not an end. Listening allows you to absorb information about the following:

a.           What is important to the other person and

b.           What the other person wants to talk about

At the end of the day, remember – listening is one of the most important parts of possessing excellent Social Skills. However, it is a means to an end and the end is to find out what the other person wants to talk about and what is important to the other person. Listen > Find out what these things are > Let them talk about it > Put yourself in their shoes (Empathic Listening) and talk about what you would do or answer the question from your own point of view (Selective Listening) and create a meaningful conversation.

Listening is essential to effectiveness as a speaker. Covey also points out that to be an effective speaker one has to absorb feedback from (listen to) one's audience and adjust one's presentations according to what works most effectively for them.

So, next time, when you are engaging in a conversation, practice empathetic listening; it will get you far in life.

11 Dimensions of Self Awareness - Balancing Life: Home Life

6^th article of the Series

At the start of this series of articles, I introduced the concept of Inner Life and Outer Life on opposite ends of the Balance of Life. I also stated that there are a total of eleven dimensions overall to balancing the Life Wheel in order to achieve harmony, joy and success in one’s life.

Both work life and home life exist on the same side of the scale - the Outer Life. They each have 4 dimensions in them. In this article, my focus will be on the home life which has these 4 dimensions in it: Family, Social, Financial – aka ARDHA and Ethics & Beliefs – aka DHARMA. In the next article, I will discuss the work life which has the following 4 dimensions in it: People, Productivity, Execution – aka KARMA, and Leadership. On the opposite side of the scale, the Inner Life consists of 3 dimensions: body, mind and spirit/soul to complete the Life Wheel with 11 dimensions to it.

Many people wonder why they do not have the success that they want in life. Most of the time, the reason will be right under their nose; they are just unable to see it. The first thing that someone who is not successful in life should ask is, "Am I successful in my personal life and relationships?"

If the answer is no, then you now have your answer as to why you are not successful in life. You cannot have a successful life if you do not have adequate personal and social development.

Family life typically reflects our capability to cope with abundance and affluence. There seems to be a lack of internal strength to walk the talk. Two reasons emerge for explaining that inability to build successful human relationships in the midst of an increasingly materialistic consumer culture. One is our often unconscious acceptance of a self-centered individualism that insists on the right to do what is best for ‘me’. The other reason follows from such thinking and can be called a mindset of unrealistic expectations. Whatever comes our way, it does not seem good enough.

Successful family life needs both, a spiritual commitment and relationship skills.  In my view, such a lasting commitment for improving family relationships has its roots in our love for God and the ensuing active spiritual life for all family members. What is included in that understanding of the original God-given potential of a fulfilled family life?  Human development advances in stages of building loving relationships. The experience of love does not just happen in a general way by reaching out to others, but it is originally designed to take place within the family. In other words, first we need to build loving relationships with family members, thus experiencing growth towards maturation, and then we will be able to extend our love to the world around us.

It is the family where we experience four successive stages of loving relationships, namely, children's love, sibling love, conjugal love and parental love. Each of these loving relationships affects a distinct formation in the personality of the family members. It may take some effort to understand the unique characteristics of these four basic types of love that define family life. The experience of the four types of loving relationships in the family then contributes its formative influence to our personal development. Thus, the family provides education for the experience of love and it also reveals the ultimate meaning of love as the connecting medium between the temporal and the eternal realms. That is to say, the experience of loving family relationships in the physical, temporal order prepares human beings for their existence in the spiritual, eternal order. In short, loving relationships have a distinct spiritual dimension by virtue of manifesting different aspects of God's love. A vision statement of healthy family life needs to pay special attention to that spiritual aspect of love.

Returning to the four types of love within the family, we discover a unique significance for each of them. First, there are sibling love and conjugal love that show mainly a horizontal nature, emphasizing growth and development in the physical order among family members of the same generation. Brothers and sisters express their love through sharing, mutual respect and cooperation, thus undergoing a growth process in preparation for marriage. They develop their sexual identity and face a unique growing experience during the time of puberty. The unmistakable sign of human self-transcendence consists of our identity as sexual beings.

Conjugal love begins with marriage and marks the fulfillment of sexual love as originally intended by God. Husband and wife within their horizontal loving exchange of mutual self-giving develop a two-in-oneness and in this way establish the ideal of becoming a perfect object partner for God, thus being able to respond to HIS love. That is to say, God's vertical love finds its substantial expression in the horizontal love of the mature couple, thus forming a three-in-oneness between husband, wife and God. The realization of true love through the God intended ideal of marriage affirms also human co-creatorship. God's fruitfulness is expressed in human fruitfulness. The birth of children then marks the propagation of true love through the establishment of lineage. Ultimately, we can understand that the married couple and the family become the full expression of the image of God, thus expanding the earlier notion that individuals are the complete divine image.

The remaining two kinds of love, namely, children's love and parent's love are primarily of a vertical nature where the mutual response of dependence and unconditional giving connects the two generations. Children take mainly a receptive position that is best described with a disposition of piety and gratitude, while parents assume an actively loving role that reflects a sacrificial disposition. When referring to its spiritual dimension, the parent-child relationship signifies the loving relation between God and human beings. We are created as God's children who themselves become fathers and mothers, thus experiencing the parental heart of God. Furthermore, the family becomes the place for the unfolding of God's love through establishing a family lineage through the appearance of the new generation. In fact, inasmuch as establishing the family lineage communicates the parental experience, it marks also the goal of personal maturation, namely, to become the image of God by inheriting his parental heart. Here, human beings have the potential to realize the essence of their own personality by reflecting God's unchanging parental heart of unconditional giving.

Discovering our God given potential to become loving personalities involves an internal change. Our understanding of the aforementioned vision of the healthy family may well be the starting point for such an inner transformation. To carry out all good intentions for change in our marriage relationship, we need to be constantly motivated by the ultimate purpose of our lives, namely, to respond to the love of our Creator. Not only the spouses but all family members will understand the importance of a strong spiritual life that functions as the foundation for our desired internal transformation.

We have explored our God given potential for a healthy family life. As much as we may acknowledge such an essential orientation towards loving relationships in our human nature, nevertheless, our contemporary culture rallies behind a different message, of individualism. We are supposed to believe that a complete life is the result of paying attention to the self. The self is selected as the locus for advancing the quality of life, resulting in a pre-occupation with self-realization, self-gratification and self-fulfillment. Here, emerges the need for an internal transformation from secular self-centered individualism towards a God-centered individualism that cares for others first. At the core of the needed inner transformation lies in a new vision of the family. Such a vision implies that individualism cannot be an end in itself but needs to be redefined in terms of including the higher purpose of building a loving family and serving the community.

Social Dimension

The essence of the above discussion is that we need to experience such an inner transformation on three levels to reach a new human self-understanding that serves as the foundation for lasting peace.

On the Individual level:

We need to redefine the healthy personality by allowing reason to exist in the service of love. The past emphasis on our rational faculty has caused an analysis of the self that often ignored our God given potential to focus first on building loving relationships. The healthy personality attains a mind-body unity that is directed towards realizing the ideal of true love. In this way, we reach the consciousness of a new individualism that is centered on self-transcendence and the higher purpose of living for the well being of others.

On the Family level:

We find the resources for making the ideal of true love substantial. The secular individualism needs to be transformed into a culture that affirms the new individualism of living for the sake of others. Once the love of parents finds fulfillment in mutual commitment and affection while embracing God's loving partnership, the raising of good children will follow ‘naturally.’

On the Social level:

We need to leave behind our narrow agendas of partisanship and historical divisions rooted in ethnicity, race and nationalism. Such a healing of the past is effected by the new consciousness for humanity that is best described as the consciousness of the global family. Here lies the ultimate vision for world peace. I may add that peace is not just the absence of conflict but it marks the active state of a fulfilling family life for all humankind. Let us go forward and support with our own lives the centrality of God loving families for our common goal of attaining lasting world peace.

Social development is about how you deal with other people. Obviously, people skills and social development are necessary for the development of one’s professional or Outer Life. How you interact with your co-workers, your boss, and your customers, clients, or prospects is just as important as your actual work performance. Social development skills include situation management, stress management, problem solving, dispute resolution, and communication skills. Without proper social development, you cannot have a successful career.

Our personality traits come in opposites. We think of ourselves as optimistic or pessimistic, independent or dependent, emotional or unemotional, adventurous or cautious, leader or follower, aggressive or passive. Many of these are inborn temperament traits, but other characteristics, such as feeling either competent or inferior, appear to be learned, based on the challenges and support we receive in growing up.

Financial Dimension

One of the biggest risks entrepreneurs and owner-managers face is the potential financial exposure if the business fails. Especially where personal assets have been used to secure business finance, or personal guarantees have been given.

However there are other situations where financial exposure can arise. Withdrawing funds from the business can be treated as a loan and, along with the ultimate need for repayment, can bring a variety of tax implications to bear. The blurring of the distinction between business funds and personal funds is an area where great care is needed.

On a less tangible level, but equally significant, is the area of personal development. How can you progress your career and personal development if you are the boss; you tend not to involve yourself in external training, do not have a mentor and are basically accountable only to yourself.

It is possible for you to continue to grow professionally, but there is a risk that you will overlook your own development. In fact, there is a risk after a long period of self-employment that you will become less attractive to other employers.

It’s possible that the business side of life can overtake and subsume your personal life, to the point where you may not have any personal activities or interests at all. This of course, is not a sustainable situation and work effectiveness can decline, stress levels can rise, relationships can become strained and your health can suffer. The idea of a better quality of life can become a distant dream.

What are the warning signs?

While it is possible for a good accounting system to manage personal payments coming out of the business, a better approach is to keep all monies separate. A disciplined approach to the petty cash tin and the business checking account is needed to ensure they are not used for personal activities. 

It’s not a good sign if you feel your friends and past work colleagues seem to be learning more than you are. If you feel you are a bit out of touch, take it as a warning sign that you need to structure some personal growth and development activities.

As for quality of life; Well! We all know the warning signs here. Not sleeping well, putting on weight, being short tempered, not getting proper holidays, and losing interest in things, only able to talk about the business… This would be familiar territory for many owner-managers and entrepreneurs, but take it for what it is – a big message.

What should you do?

There is a legal distinction between a business owner and a business no matter how interdependent they are. Keep a sense of separation. Lack of a business plan is often a sign of an owner manager who has no direction.

You need a plan for your life and a separate plan for the business. Blurring the line between the two can lead to confusion, misdirection and financial disorder.

Ethics and Beliefs Dimension

It has been said that values, morals and ethics are inextricably tied together. Values are what we learn from childhood; the 'stuff' we absorb from our parents and immediate surroundings. Morals are the intrinsic beliefs developed from the value systems of how we 'should' behave in any given situation. Ethics, on the other hand, are how we actually do behave in the face of difficult situations that test our moral fiber.

Belief systems are established early in life through environments of home, church, school, and social gatherings which help to mold and shape these beliefs. Most of these beliefs and patterns of behavior are established through the unconscious observations and experiences of childhood in the aforementioned environments. These I refer to as ‘outer’ experiences which are akin to the 'nurture' piece of the 'nature-nurture' developmental processes.

Our values, morals and ethics and intrinsic functionality in society stems from ‘inner’ experiences, or what I feel akin to the ‘nature’ element of the developmental processes, although it is the 'outer' details that generally rule the scene. For most, the internal experience is often ignored because of the lack of external acceptance or validation.

In order to raise ethical standards, we need to bring back a sense of equilibrium to where we live by solid, moral standards without being consumed by them. This is called balance. Ethically, we need a sense of stability whereby we do not take it for granted yet we are able to make firm moral decisions without panic, guilt, or indecision. Being ethically balanced refers to your state of mind rather than your ethical scorecard.

If you live your life oblivious to any deeply held moral and ethical beliefs, then you are out of balance. Sure, you may exist peacefully and honestly for some time, but when the inevitable crisis occurs, your natural response will be for self-preservation or doing what "feels" right at the time of the decision. That's not balance.

If you live life by maintaining only minimal ethical standards or none at all, you are out of balance. Even if you live by the letter of the law with perfection as your only standard, you are likely out of ethical balance. 

So, what does good ethical balance look like? To some extent, everyone has a little bit of all these extremes lurking somewhere. But an ethically balanced person has values, perspective, responsibility, and character.

Values are the fundamental principles or rules when lived by make you "ethical" or not. You must have deeply-held core values that show themselves visibly in the everyday moral decisions you make.

Perspective prevents you from leaning to one extreme or another. Having an ethical perspective requires the ability to be flexible in interpreting and analyzing things within a morally principled framework. That is, you are not judgmental of others yet you have a solid moral foundation to see the big picture and live in peace with it.

Ethically balanced people accept responsibility for their ethical shortcomings and make a genuine effort to change for the better. It is more than blame. It is an effort to do what it takes to change and move forward.

There must be a genuine self-awareness of who you are at your very core. What do you believe is right or wrong? This is the real you behind the façades and outward appearances. Your character should not change with the circumstance but be a constant moral anchor.

To summarize, you want to be "in the zone," when encountering ethical crises that push you to the limit. There, you are ethically balanced and see situations with clarity and certainty despite the obstacles in front of you.

Next week, I’ll take a look at the Work Life and discuss the four dimensions that comprise the outer life part of the Wheel of Life.

In the meantime, I welcome you to share your Self-awareness story in the comments section below and I promise to read your story.