Obstacles to Mindfulness

"Peace of mind is not the absence of conflict from life, but the ability to cope with it.” ~Unknown

Mindfulness has allowed me to become more aware of my thoughts and reach a sense of inner peace. As my awareness has increased, so has the peace and joy in my life. The more familiar I have become with the inner workings of my mind, the better I have started to feel.

I came onto the path of mindfulness, meditation, and spirituality within the past 10 years only. At the time, in early 2000s, I was watching the syndicated TV-series Ed where the main character experiments with lucid dreaming.

That got me interested, and that is where my journey started. It hasn’t been an easy journey by any means, but I am nearing a decade on this path, and I don’t regret it for a moment.

I have been through a lot of challenges, such as going through brief spurts of depression. I have felt like I wasn’t good enough, and that life wouldn’t work out the way I wanted it to. In every one of these cases I let my thoughts run wild. I started focusing on the negative instead of on the positive, and I think many people have the same tendency.

So, there have been both ups and downs, but in the end they have all been there for a reason. And with each “bad period,” I have learned more and more about myself. I have learned more about what works and what doesn’t, and they have all been blessings in disguise.

I wanted to give up many times, but I am glad that I kept going.

Truly living in the present moment is not easy, but it is highly rewarding. The best way to move forward on your own path to “here and now” is to understand the potential obstacles and plan in advance how you’ll deal with them.

1. Progress doesn’t always come quickly.

Progress may seem excruciatingly slow. There will be times when you attach to things and situations that you want, which will make it difficult to be fully in the present moment. It’s impossible to be mindful when you are dwelling on the past or obsessing about the future.

We all do those things sometimes. I have experienced it countless times in my own life. The more I want something, the more I fixate on not having it and wanting to get it.

Once I release the attachment and focus on being grateful for what I have in the moment, my life seems to shift, and progress seems to happen naturally.

2. Mindfulness takes ongoing effort.

Mindfulness takes a lot of work, but the good news is that the longer you practice, the easier it gets, and the more joyful your life becomes.

At first, your thoughts will be in chaos, and everything will seem out of control. Your situation will feel helpless, but the more you focus on being fully where you are, the easier it will be to find peace of mind in the moment.

Mindfulness is best practiced throughout your day. It’s not just for when you sit down and meditate. Focus on being mindful of your thoughts when you are doing everyday tasks and it will be easier to remain mindful when things get tough.

3. There will always be distractions.

When you are on your journey to becoming more mindful, it seems as if the universe starts throwing stuff at you just to give you challenges.

The distractions could be problems in your life, drama in your relationships, or old negative beliefs popping up from your past.

These are great opportunities to practice present moment awareness. They will help you become stronger, better, and more in tune with yourself. The problems and challenges we face are teachers in disguise.

They are there to help you grow and to realize who you truly are.

4. You may want to give up.

Like with any worthwhile journey, you will feel like giving up and throwing in the towel multiple times. But it is during the times when you feel most frustrated that you are often on the verge of a breakthrough.

Our lives are very similar to the seasons. We go through cold, dark winters, and joyful, expanding summers. It all comes and goes. It’s the ebb and flow of life.

When you realize that the challenging times are there to help you grow, you will automatically feel more peaceful and relaxed.

5. Your goals may challenge your mindfulness.

Having goals is fantastic, even essential, but when you become overly attached to them, something bad happens, just like we talked about above.

You know that you are too attached to something when you start feeling frustrated, angry, and negative.

Attachment muddles our clarity. You are likely pursuing your goals because you believe they will make you happy. But, real happiness comes from within, even when things don't appear to be going perfectly well outwardly, and it is still possible to experience sincere happiness. It is our inner feeling that creates happiness, along with how we interpret the events of life.

This will make you much happier in the long term, and, of course, right now.

6. You might forget that the journey is the destination.

Most people miss the fact that the reward is in the journey. Have you ever noticed that when you reach a goal, it’s not as exciting as you thought it would be? Sure, it feels great to hit a milestone, but if you do not replace that goal with another one, you will soon find yourself feeling unfulfilled.

That’s because we are goal-seeking mechanisms. Humans need goals so they can have a sense of purpose and fulfillment.

It is in the journey that we learn, grow, and become better. When you are practicing mindfulness, remember that there is nowhere to arrive at. If you focus on what is going on right now, the rest takes care of itself.

7. Sometimes you’ll want to be anywhere but in the now.

Even the most enlightened masters on earth have to deal with difficult situations and chaotic thoughts. The difference is they have learned to accept the moment for what it is.

When you do this, you become the guardian of your inner space, which is the only way to feel good inside and find peace of mind, right now.

What's So Hard About Real Conversations?

In continuation to my Quantum Physics of Beliefs Round Table discussion on Miscommunications last week (in case you missed it, please click here on this link), today I will be writing about this struggle that most Leaders go thru regularly in their communications with their followers.

What does it mean to “come out from behind ourselves to have real conversations”?

What’s so hard about that?

If you are a Leader, your job is to accomplish the goals of the organization. You do that in large part by making every conversation you have as real as possible.  A Leader’s job is essentially to engineer the types of conversations that produce clarity, cooperation, creativity, drive, and a connection to values beyond the company.

Your conversations may have to come up with a big new idea, or transform your company into a better place to work, or maybe figure out how to improve customer-renewal rates. You may use conversations to enhance collaboration, or provide leadership development, or deliver performance review feedback.

Success as a Leader depends on the success of your conversations, and occurs one conversation at a time. Here are four components of successful conversations:

In order to execute initiative and deliver goals, Leaders must have conversations that:

1.    Interrogate reality

2.    Provoke learning

3.    Tackle tough challenges

4.    Enrich relationships

Each of these four components is tough assignments for any one conversation to achieve.  To help put this into perspective, the next time you have a conversation, ask yourself which, if any, of these goals you think was approached, even minimally.

·         Did I ask about the other person’s perspective?

·         Did I try to understand the person, situation, or issue better?

·         Did I try to get to the real issue, and the nuances behind the challenges?

·         Did I enhance our relationship, deepen our connection?

Leadership Lessons from Sports

While the NFL Super Bowl Championship game on this past Sunday night is still fresh in our minds, let us look at how we can apply some of the lessons from sports to our life, in general.

Achieving something very important to you and your business requires:

1. 1.    Documenting your strategy and breaking it down to the level of detail necessary to drive execution. DON’T BLOW THIS OFF - keeping it in your head never works. Big achievements require plans with milestones and metrics. These will not only allow you to monitor the performance of your team against the strategy, but they’ll also help you invest growth capital efficiently.
2. 2.    Getting crystal clear about what you want to achieve with your business. I am not talking about generalities (increase profit margin to 12 percent, increase revenue to $60 million, etc.). I am talking about something you can really be passionate about that will naturally and easily focus your efforts.
3. 3.    Getting the 'buy-in' from your team. If the goal is important enough to you, replace those who won’t support you with people who will.
4. 4.    Realizing that hope is not a strategy. Hoping that a number of good things will happen is not good enough to accomplish something great. You must have a plan designed specifically to help you achieve your goal.
5. 5.    Acting like a honey badger when it comes to your goal and never giving up. Being passionate and relentless. If it’s that important to you, how could you possibly quit?

What are your thoughts about achieving big goals? Anything that we can add to the list?

When helping others is your life purpose

I hope you and yours have been well. It's been nearly 4 months since I took a leave of absence from writing here on my weekly eMBC Blog due to some very personal reasons including an unexpected death in the family. I realize that we are in an increased time of change... You too may be feeling a lot of movement or experiencing a lot of movement in your relationships, careers and life. As is the nature of change, it brings in exactly the energies necessary for us to move toward the Golden Age of empowerment, but it will require you to LET GO of all things not serving you... your misaligned patterns, behaviors, beliefs, relationships and habits. Don't fight it... instead, surrender so you may move with the waters of change. I promise they will take you exactly where you need to go.

While I was away, I did a lot of introspection on my purpose of doing this, writing blog articles, talking on the internet radio shows; hoping that this will somehow make a difference in the lives of other people either reading or listening in or am I crazy?

When helping others is your life purpose

I BELIEVE THAT EACH PERSON has a personal mission in life—something that you agreed to learn during this lifetime. It could be patience, forgiveness, compassion, balance, self-care, integrity, and so forth. Everyone is working on a soul-growth lesson.

In addition to their personal missions, some individuals agreed to take on “global missions,” which involve helping people, animals, the environment, or a cause other than themselves. Not everyone has a global mission. Some people on Earth are only living for their own personal growth.

Those who have global missions are known as lightworkers. This is a name I am using that encompasses similar terms such as Indigo, Crystal, and Earth Angel. You know you are a lightworker if you feel compelled to help others, and deeply care about the world. You attract people who need help, and you are sensitive to the needs of those around you. In fact, you sometimes feel that you are a bit too sensitive, as you absorb energies from others’ moods.

As a lightworker, you have always felt a sense of purpose, as if there is something important that you are destined to do in this lifetime. You may not know what this destiny entails, but you can feel it. All lightworkers do.

There is even a sense of time urgency associated with this, like an alarm clock ringing in the pit of your gut, urging you to go, go, go and make a positive difference in the world. These feelings are universal among lightworkers.

The great news is that, as a lightworker, you have been making a positive difference your entire life. You radiate healing energy that soothes others and brings peace wherever you go. That’s because your main global purpose is to love, which is something you do naturally. You care about people; and you wish that everyone could be happy, healthy, and well provided for. You are a giver.

So, the form that your mission takes is secondary as long as you extend Divine love. In other words, when you think about a career as a spiritual healer or teacher, the type of work you do isn’t important. Whether you teach or practice Reiki, Angel Therapy, medium-ship, or some other modality... if it’s done from a place of loving service, everything else is details.

With that in mind, there is a practical consideration when deciding on or forming a long-term relationship with your chosen field. Please make sure it is an area that truly excites and interests you. It is not smart to select one just because you have seen another person gain material success by that avenue.

Whatever type field you choose, please be certain that you love it. I have watched people create career goals with their heads, using business plans and projections, only to meet with one obstacle after another because their hearts weren’t in the work. And while planning and projecting can be helpful and prudent starting points for new business ventures, make sure that you are leading with your heart.

In spiritually based careers, your feelings and intuition are your road map. Your head is second in charge, as the employee of your heart.

So what topic—even if it seems illogical—really excites you? Let’s ask your higher self:

Take a moment to relax in a quiet place, either lying down or sitting. Close your eyes if possible, and give yourself full permission to dream about your ideal career. Then notice what images, thoughts, and feelings come to you:

§     Are you working alone, with a co-worker, or with several co-workers?

§     Do you operate from home, out of a healing center, or where?

§     What type of clients or students are you involved with?

§     How do you feel about this work?

As you allow yourself to imagine your ideal career, notice how warm and fulfilled you feel. These feelings are the ultimate paycheck, the greatest reward. And as you feel satisfied, your material benefits are drawn to you by the universal Divine Energy.

Your dream of having a full-time career as a ______ (fill in the blank) is much more than a dream. It’s a sign. If you continually imagine yourself having a meaningful career that supports you and your family financially, emotionally, and spiritually, then this is a sign that your life purpose involves this type of work.

Lightworkers are, by definition, sensitive. They are receptive to the energies in any room they walk into. They are attuned to other people’s moods and feelings and to environmental factors such as chemicals, pollution, or noise. They are conscious of the presence of angels.

And they are also sensitive to other people’s opinions. This sensitivity is both a gift and a lifesaving instinct. You see, your overall personality remains fairly constant throughout lifetimes. Once a lightworker, always a lightworker. Remember: Doesn't matter what field you have chosen... You already are a spiritual teacher and healer. You were born one, and you have been practicing your art for lifetimes.

Is Your Best Yet To Come in 2012!?

Have you spent any time thinking about the future, in say 2012? Your future?

Sometimes the demands placed upon us daily take up so much of our time; it's hard to find even a moment to consider the future.

But whether you are ready, or not... 2012 is coming... and fast.

And you are the one who is charged with determining exactly what that future will look like for you.

You live in a fast-paced culture in which everything is in motion. And there are no signs of turning back. Standing still doesn't work, either. At least, not for very long.

So how do we make sure that our rapidly-accelerating lives don't pass us by like a furious flash of un-fulfilling nothingness?

I'd like to suggest some tips that can help, but before you read on, I want you to recognize and remember this...

Your current results or circumstances (that you faced in 2011) are in no way a reflection of what is possible for you in the future.

Your potential is unlimited. And the thoughts, ideas, and plans that you focus upon from this day forward will ultimately shape and direct your future.

Here are some ideas to consider...

1) Stop- First, you need to pause... kind of like how you'd approach a "STOP" sign at an intersection. A brief stop, long enough to look in each direction before proceeding. While paused, take a moment to consider WHAT is MOST IMPORTANT to you at this point in your life. Is it your family? Your career? Your relationships? What brings you joy? What are you so passionate about?

2) Consider some Editing- Then, take a moment to consider, what are some things that DO NOT bring you joy? How could you begin to "edit" them out of your day? Maybe there are some activities or behaviors that are not supporting the vision you have of your highest self? Maybe there are some relationships that you need to extricate yourself from?

3) Commit to Carving- Now think about HOW would you spend more time, TODAY and TOMORROW, doing more of what it is that you want to do? Don't worry about next week or next month. Just consider today, YES! Starting today. No need for any New Year resolutions. Figure out how to carve out a small segment in the next 24 hours. Maybe you could wake up 30 minutes earlier in the morning? Or perhaps go to bed 30 minutes later tonight?

Small, incremental commitments of time, directed toward doing what makes you happy, will have a beneficial effect in all areas of your life. Spending time in this frame of mind will become a habit that will replace older, out-dated, less productive habits.

But you have to get started. You need to actively and intentionally plan the way you want your future to look, in 2012. If you passively stand by, you can be sure that your tomorrow, next week, next month, and 2012 will just become a more distressed and less fulfilling version of the past.

You have the opportunity to shape your future. I don't know exactly what you are facing or what you are going through, but I do know that if you will work at it, and take an active role in determining how it will unfold, certainly, your best is yet to come!

Be creative, as 2012 unwinds in just a few more days!

Happy New Year, 2012.

Ten Motivating Factors That Work Wonders With Employee Performance

This article is a continuation of the last week’s posting on accountability.

A study at MIT showed that monetary incentives are great for routine, mechanical work. But how does it play when talking about cognitive, advanced tasks? Not well at all. Watch this super cool animation and get a better understanding on how the labor force will react in 5 to 10 years.

A very common myth of the past was that the best way to motivate an employee is through monetary rewards. The truth is that money can be a good motivator if it is applied in context with other factors. Money alone never works. Sooner or later they will be back for more and if you don’t have it or want to give it to them someone else always has deeper pockets than you. Motivating employee performance involves a number of factors.

The main by-product of motivation is to create enough goodwill so the employee performs to their optimum ability; thereby optimizing the overall productivity of an organization. Here are some factors, in no particular order, that have proven to work wonders:

1. Personal appreciation – a warm personal ‘thank you for a job well done’ can go a very long way in motivating an employee to put in his best. For best results, ensure that you do this with utmost sincerity and at exactly the right time.

2. Acknowledge efforts in public – a good way to motivate all employees is to acknowledge in public the achievement of every employee who does a good job. This instills pride in the employee who is praised in public and makes others wish to be in his shoes.

3. Provide Conducive work environment – promote an open and friendly work culture. Crush gossip, bullying, politicking, ‘groupism’ and all such factors that interfere with the work atmosphere. Your employees should look forward to come to work, not hate it.

4. Performance appraisal – people need to know what they are doing right and what they are doing wrong. Set up performance appraisals at regular intervals and let employees know where they can improve and what they are doing well.

5. Appropriate reward – a good worker should always be rewarded so she feels valued and important. Whether this is with a personal ‘thank you’ card, or a special incentive, or a raise – rewards should not only be given, but also these need to be tailored it gives the employee the most joy.

6. Encourage dialogue – set up an open-door policy where anyone who wants to say something can walk up to you and say it. Make people comfortable talking to you, bringing their suggestions, feedback, demands and worries to you directly. And listen.

7. Down delegate authority – employees work best when they feel trusted with authority and added responsibilities. Down delegate authority and abstain from micro-managing so the employee is empowered in their role.

8. Participatory decision-making – leaving certain policy matters aside, the best is to have your employees participate in all decision-making processes. In this way, they would feel ownership in the company and would work better.

9. Celebrate together – celebrate together every milestone of the company or team. Let them build that feeling of “all are for one and one is for all”. Everyone wants to be part of something, use that to help motivate your team.

10. Encourage family-time – putting in long hours in the work place does not mean enhanced productivity. Encourage people to go home in time; to enjoy quality time with their families; to attain a balance between home and work.

Holding People Accountable

Does this little story sound familiar?

“This is a story of four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it.  Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody’s job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn’t do it. It ended that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.”

But, how to avoid this? How to create a culture of accountability and hold people accountable?

Actually, it’s SIMPLE:

S = Set Expectations
I = Invite Commitment
M = Measure Progress
P = Provide Feedback
L = Link to Consequences
E = Evaluate Effectiveness

Let’s explore a little further on what these actually mean?

S = Set Expectations

• The success of any organization comes down to one thing: how well it organizes its members to focus on and work toward the same purpose
• The employees need to know what is expected of them before they can be hold accountable for anything
• The more clearly the expectations and goals are set up front, the less time will be wasted later clarifying – or worse, arguing about – what was really expected

I = Invite Commitment

• Just because your employees know what to do doesn’t mean they will do it. After goals and expectations are set, employees need to commit to achieving them
• Employees are more likely to do this when they understand two things: how the goals will benefit them personally, and how the goals will help move the organization forward
• Once this connection is made they are more likely to buy into the goals, and actually welcome you holding them accountable for the results

M = Measure Progress

• Information is needed to hold your employees accountable. Measure their ongoing performance and gauge whether or not they meet the goals and expectations to which they had previously committed
• Goals are only measurable when they are quantified. Measure the results and compare them to the employees’ goals to discover the gaps that require further attention

P = Provide Feedback

• Feedback won’t solve problems by itself, but it will open the door for problem-solving discussions and follow-up actions
• The employees need feedback to do a good job and improve in areas where performance is falling short of expectations. Most of the time, giving objective, behavioral feedback is all it takes. Setting expectations followed by quality feedback is the backbone of holding someone accountable for results

L = Link to Consequences

• Sometimes employees need a little external motivation to live up to their commitments. When they struggle to reach their goals, they can be helped by administering appropriate consequences

E = Evaluate Effectiveness

• Review how the process has been handled
• Put a systematic and consistent method in place and you’ll find that when people are held accountable for the work that must get done, it gets done

For goals to be meaningful and effective in motivating employees, they must be tied to larger organizational ambitions.

Employees who don’t understand the roles they play in company success are more likely to become disengaged. No matter what level the employee is at, he should be able to articulate exactly how his efforts feed into the broader company strategy.

High performance and success are not dependent on one simple factor or as a result of one or two things. The entire context you operate in greatly impacts your results.

How do you hold your team accountable?

Source: Dilbert

Entrepreneurial Leadership

Would the sole reason you would be starting your own business be that you would want to make a lot of money?  Do you think that if you had your own business that you would have more time with your family?  Or maybe that you would not have to answer to anyone else?  If so, you had better think again.

On the other hand, if you start your business for these reasons, you'll have a better chance at entrepreneurial success:

An entrepreneur must have a passion for what he is doing. The important thing to remember is that he will hit lows during the process that will make him question his decision. Belief in the idea is important though, and your passion will keep you going.

You should be able to build a competitive edge in the business. It could be in technological processes, marketing relationships or solutions you offer customers.

Entrepreneurs work hard and are extremely goal oriented. Along with hard work, comes the ability to work unsupervised. It is a critical requirement of entrepreneurship. As a paid professional, often someone can blame the system for not providing either the direction or the resources. As an entrepreneur, you no longer have that latitude. You have to work hard, very hard.

Entrepreneurs are flexible, opportunistic and recognize the power of 'emergence'.

I love this story about IBM and its founder Thomas Watson, Sr. It was 1934 or '35. IBM had built the first accounting machines for banks but in the Depression years, no bank was buying anything. IBM was on the brink of bankruptcy. Watson's wife forced him to accompany her to a social event where he was seated next to a middle-aged lady.

While talking with her, Watson described to her the machine IBM had built. It turned out that the lady was in-charge of the library system in New York City. She told Watson that they were in complete disarray, unable to manage their books, and told him that she would need half a dozen of these! Next day, he sold her five of the machines.

Until that moment, Watson had never thought of his computing devices as machines for tracking books. That one sale pulled IBM from the brink of bankruptcy.

Had it not been for Watson's capability to go with the emergent flow of events - moving from accounting machines to the recognition that he could make general purpose computers - IBM would not be what it is today? We all know that the essence of entrepreneurial ability is about building a future and living in it. Sometimes, it is about 'willing' a course for the enterprise. Yet, things do not always go the way you plan. Destiny tests you all the time, plays pranks and shows tiny openings in a moss-covered brick wall behind which often a whole new world awaits.

When it comes to the success of any new business, you - the entrepreneur - are ultimately the "secret" to your success. For many successful business owners, failure was never an option. Armed with drive, determination, and a positive mindset, these individuals view any setback as only an opportunity to learn and grow. Most millionaires possess average intelligence. What sets them apart is their openness to new knowledge and their willingness to learn whatever it takes to succeed.

So why do businesses fail?

·        Failure to anticipate market trends. Lack of market research when entering new markets, resulting in poor sales and return on investment.

·        Overspending. Or spending too much on frivolous luxuries instead of products and services that improve the bottom line.

·        Poor cash flow control: paying creditors too early, buying too much stock or giving customers payment terms that are too long, late payments and bad debts. These can all lead to a lack of working capital and cash flow problems.

·        Failure to listen to customers. Listen to your customers and adapt accordingly.

·        Lack of innovation. Some businesses never change, but they lose their market share when a new company comes along with a new way of doing things

·        Loss of financial support/investment. If an investor pulls out, you may find it hard to attract another one in time.

·        Reluctance to seek professional services. 

Do We KNOW What We Want?

This is an extension of the article that I posted last week. But, if you haven’t read last week’s article, now is a good time to take a look at that. I stated boldly in that article that “Most of us don’t know what we want.” Here are some additional thoughts behind that statement, inspired by another young Gen Y reader’s comments on that article. Also, please tell me your thoughts. Thanks!

“Many people fail in life, not for lack of ability or brains or courage, but because they never organized their energies around a goal.” ~ Elbert Hubbard

How do we effectively assess goals, non-verbal communications (not only body movements but also vocal changes) and other consequences?

Goal Diagnosis helps in assessing emotional blocks and personal histories. It can be used to respond appropriately to non-verbal communication. Goal diagnosis provides essential information for personal development as well.

Although any form of coaching or planning ideally starts with ‘well formed’ goal statements (outcomes), few people can specify their goals. Goal diagnosis recognizes many weird and wonderful goal statements… here are a few examples:

• Abstract goals (e.g. I only want to be happy)
• Childish goals (e.g. I want everything, now)
• Conflicts and multiple goals (including double binds)
• General statements with little sense of direction (e.g. I want more time off)
• Goals lacking times for completion (no deadlines)
• Goal statements with negative grammar (e.g. I don’t want a divorce)
• Goals with incongruent signals (I want X (while shaking the head “No”))
• Metaphors (e.g. I feel like I’m lost in a jungle and I can’t find a path to the village)
• Philosophy (e.g. Someone in my position should have already achieved goal X)
• Word salad (chaotic grammar and sentence structure)

The next step, of course, includes ways to respond appropriately to them. But, before we go there, let me elaborate some terms that I used here:

By Double Binds I refer to paradoxical interpersonal communication. A double bind statement contains internal contradictions. If the addressed person cannot withdraw from the situation, that person cannot decide which message is real and (if young) may develop pathologies.

Double binds may be explicit (e.g. a teacher communicates to a student “I will punish you to improve your education!“) or implicit (e.g. a manager says to an employee “I know that even you can complete this task!” while curling his upper lip). If the addressed person cannot recognize and dissolve double binds, relationship chaos often results.

Some stated goals have a similar structure to double-binds: for example the stated goal may have two or more objects and one verb, (e.g. “I want to be married and happy and …“). If these wishes are believed to be incompatible, any attempts or planning to fulfill a double-wish will likely fail.

By Double Wishes I refer to poorly defined goals that contain internal contradictions. If a person cannot decide which message is true, the person may object to their own goals – or withdraw from the coaching relationship. They may be disappointed that they cannot fulfill their own goals, and delay or miss opportunities for happiness.

I evaluate double goals by first noticing whether any verbal or non-verbal incongruence indicates simultaneous conflict or sequential conflict, and whether a client displays signs of conflict when changing goal polarity. Although a client may state a goal – the underlying goal is often at an existential or identity level, to discover “What is important to me?” or “What sort of person am I?”

Many people avoid unpleasant feelings and inner conflict by focusing on abstract goals (e.g. “I want to be happy“) … we often say that an abstract goal is, “the skin of a goal stuffed with conflict“.

A client may find two or more conflicting possibilities. A well-formed outcomebecomes possible if the definition of the goal can fully incorporate the values of all sides or parts of the conflict, or following an internal change of reference that rejects unwanted influences. In our systemic diagnosis, we often refer to identity level influences as relationship bonds.

Sequential Conflicts

Sequential conflicts can be fascinating … and irritating. Someone can never make up their mind, and if they do make a decision, they may either participate half-heartedly – or for a limited time.

I check the time between polarity changes of a sequential conflict … is it short-cycle or long-cycle? For me, short cycle is less than a few days, while long-cycle is over a week. This is useful information for anticipating a person’s change of heart. I can plan for it … and plan my response. (I find that this greatly decreases my irritation about people who break promises etc).

When you choose a goal or solution, you choose the consequences of that goal or solution.

While we hope for clear answers to the question, “What do you want?” we really don’t expect them. Goal questions seem to stress many people. Nobody wants to appear stupid, and people are often scared of asking for too little… or too much.