Are you an Empathic Listener?

In a TV interview sometime ago, Stephen Covey described his The Seven Habits Of Highly Effective People as guiding principles that "…encourage people to take a mindful approach to life - not letting trivial urgencies of day-to-day life get in the way of the most important things."

The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People is indeed a seven-part model for effective performance in business and personal life. Its philosophy is that human beings can take control of their own destinies by how they react to life and external factors, and that they will achieve happiness, success and spiritual fulfillment if they adopt the seven habits Covey advocates.

In this article, I am only going to focus on the listening habits. Covey says that "most people listen with the intent to reply, not to understand." Because we are so eager to get our own point of view across, we tend not to listen properly to what the other person is saying. If we can first understand what the speaker's point of view is, it will be easier for us to respond in a positive and mutually beneficial way.

Covey recommends taking the time to listen to yourself (habits 1-3) in order to identify your own core values and goals. This step makes it possible for you to behave exactly as you believe the person you wish to be would behave, because it allows you to consult your own values and goals before acting. Thus, you act only in ways that are consistent with those values and goals. This step should be repeated regularly as time passes and circumstances change.

Covey then recommends listening to others (habits 4-6) in order to become aware of the values and goals of others. This enables you to find common ground and thus maintain productive relationships with them.

Covey also recommends regularly seeking to improve (habit 7) and reinforce yourself in ways that are important to you.

According to Covey, when we are speaking to anyone we are usually in one of the five “Listening States” -

1.           Ignoring: – Not Listening

2.           Pretend Listening: – We have all done this, saying “yeah”, “uh-huh”

3.           Selective Listening: – Listening strictly to parts of the conversations and strictly from our point of view.

4.           Attentive Listening: – Focusing and paying attention to the words

5.           Empathetic Listening: – Listening from the other persons point of view, and seeing the world from the others persons perspective.

Most people think that Empathic Listening takes too much time; I have found that with time it becomes natural and you start to automatically do it. It all begins with practice and the dividends you will receive for this are enormous.

Empathic Listening is essential to effective communication. Covey emphasizes the importance, the power, and in some situations the necessity of not merely going through the mechanical responses that might be required for ordinary listening, but opening oneself to the talker to the point where one can actually feel what they are feeling. Covey, as others, believes that the only way to establish communication in some professional and personal situations is by becoming, in small part, the person you are listening to. He uses the words "sensing" (others call it "intuition") to describe the information a listener can perceive through deep, empathic listening. The experience Covey describes, standing for a moment in another's shoes and listening to the world through their ears is something everyone is capable of, but most of us rarely (if ever) deliberately do. It takes time to listen empathically and practice to become adept at it, but the reward is a whole new level of communication and problem solving because a person acquires the ability to see a situation simultaneously from multiple points of view.

Most people take the advice to “Listen” literally and are confused when the conversation dies or does not go anywhere. This is because “Listening” is a means to an end, not an end. Listening allows you to absorb information about the following:

a.           What is important to the other person and

b.           What the other person wants to talk about

At the end of the day, remember – listening is one of the most important parts of possessing excellent Social Skills. However, it is a means to an end and the end is to find out what the other person wants to talk about and what is important to the other person. Listen > Find out what these things are > Let them talk about it > Put yourself in their shoes (Empathic Listening) and talk about what you would do or answer the question from your own point of view (Selective Listening) and create a meaningful conversation.

Listening is essential to effectiveness as a speaker. Covey also points out that to be an effective speaker one has to absorb feedback from (listen to) one's audience and adjust one's presentations according to what works most effectively for them.

So, next time, when you are engaging in a conversation, practice empathetic listening; it will get you far in life.

How To Stay The Course In The Face Of Any Difficult

When I imagine what it looks like to live a balanced life, two thoughts come to mind. The first is the "Jack theory": All work and no play makes for a cranky Jack. All this and no that - too much of this and too little of that - just doesn't work. The challenge here is to balance what we must do with what we enjoy and want to do. We need to carve out time for the serious stuff, as well as play.

The other way to live a balanced life has more to do with going with the flow - not letting the inevitable glitch in our day throw us off-balance, sending us careening off course. It's about staying balanced. In other words, the best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. No matter how carefully a project is planned, something may still "go wrong" with it. When lucky, we experience a minor glitch - a glitch so small and short-lived that you hardly notice it, a transient fault that corrects itself. However, there are the times when a hornet's nest of difficulties presents itself, and you need to change course immediately, lest you get knocked on your bottom!

Here are some guidelines on how you can "root" yourself in balance, enabling you to smile and stay the course, even in the face of the inevitable hiccup, glitch or major league malfunction.

Some Tips for Living a Well-Balanced Life

1.    Wake Up Happy. Your first thoughts are the most powerful and the strongest. They can set a tone for the day. You can easily train yourself to begin each and every day with a positive thought. Begin to pay attention to your waking thoughts. If they are not "happy" or useful thoughts, change them. In the place between being asleep and fully awake, note your thoughts and change them if you have to. If your thoughts are positive and useful, embrace them: "Today, I am going to get organized and 'motor' through the day with great, happy energy" versus, "OMG! It’s Monday. Another day, another dollar." Get my drift?

2.    Take Care Of You. I promise you that your health is the key ingredient to all! They don't say "If you've got your health, you've got everything" for nothing! It's the truth. You simply cannot function in high gear if you don't get the right amount of rest, exercise or good, healthy eats (e.g. real food, not processed stuff). At some point, "it" will catch up with you.

3.    Plan Pretty. No, planning is not a dirty word, although you might think it is, based on the response I sometimes get when I stress the importance of planning. Do not stamp your feet like a three-year-old and say, "I don't like to plan." Keeping an organized calendar and planner tracking your appointments, your food and your workouts (i.e. movement, for the exercise phobic) leads to freedom. When you plan, you essentially dump your thoughts onto the page and organize them so they do not overwhelm you, which lead to a productive, relaxed kind of day. Instead of cringing at the thought of "planning," embrace it. Once again, planning presents a clear path out of an overwhelming situation and leads you toward the happy state of freedom.

4.    Set Priorities. Leading your "best life" does not mean that you need to be, or should try to be, perfect and do it all. It means that you self-reflect, known yourself and determine your true values. Not knowing who you are and what you want and trying to do everything is a recipe for burnout and disaster. Do not bite off more than you can chew!

5.    Stay Connected With Family And Friends. Another key ingredient to living a balanced life and staying "in balance" is your connection to your friends and family. However busy you may be, be sure to reach out to at least one friend or family member daily. Preferably, you would do this in real time, either in person or via telephone - not electronically! There's nothing like the real thing.

6.    Be Spontaneous. On the one hand, I do believe that planning equals freedom, as mentioned above. On the other hand, let's not get so rigid that we lose the ability to be spontaneous. If you suddenly have the urge to go for a long walk, go to a movie, hook up with a friend at lunchtime or feed the hummingbirds, then do so!

7.    Take Control Of Your Mind. Often we overwhelm ourselves with the silent words that flow through our mind every moment of the day. When you speak about being overwhelmed your thoughts and then your behaviors will follow. Guard your thoughts or else your life and your actions flow out of them. Create thoughts that banish the feeling of being overwhelmed.

8.    Stuff Happens; Expect The Unexpected. Have you ever had a day when something unexpected didn't happen? An unexpected phone call, unexpected traffic jam, a platter of pretty cupcakes being paraded in front of you or, maybe worse yet, a computer crash? Stuff happens, my friends. Stuff happens, big time! So expect the unexpected and just roll with it.

9.    Breathe Deep And Unwind. At the end of your glorious day, take a minute, or two, or 30 to unwind. Curl up with a good book, take a hot bath and listen to music that soothes or stirs your soul. Do nothing. Take in a few deep, cleansing breaths, congratulate yourself on a day well-lived and just plain relax.

What is the most important thing that you do to help you stay balanced, enabling you to go with the flow? 

Keeping Overwhelmed feelings in Check

First of all, we can be overwhelmed with our business, our to-do lists, our email, our prospecting and follow up - so much so that none of it gets done, right? Ever been there?

So stuck on what to do that you can’t do anything productive at all?

Well, when (or if) that happens to you, I hope you stop to think first:
“What is the big goal that I am trying to achieve? What are the most productive things I can do to get me there?”

Then of course you want to prioritize those things and hold yourself accountable (or get someone else to) and get to work. Easier said than done, huh?

There is stress - and then there is overwhelm. One feeds the other.

Life has a way of sneaking up, heaping things on your plate and leaving us feeling overwhelmed. Being overwhelmed can leave us completely unproductive and at a loss of knowing what to do next. Especially when life throws you a curveball with issues in your business contract/clients, relationship, a death or sickness in the family, a child moving out to college or some other life-changing or tragic occurrence.

How are you supposed to focus then? How are you supposed to get things done then? How do you overcome those setbacks in life and get back to living the life you desire? Well, I may not be a psychotherapist or anything along those lines but what I do know is that it revolves around how you let yourself BE, feel and adapt to what’s going on that will make or break your results, your transformation or your lessons learned from that particular situation.

You can cuddle up on your sofa with a good chic-flick and wallow in your sadness for a day or two. Or, you can stand strong and tall and get back up on that horse so to speak; surrounding yourself with those who care about you, those who will pull you up and inspire you to perform your greatness.

How this relates to your business as an entrepreneur/executive is so obvious to me but might not be to you; let me explain…

In your business, you will have ups and downs. You will have successes and failures. You will have big boosts of revenue and big valleys of nothing at some point. It’s your big picture vision, your belief in yourself and what you are meant to do here on our planet and your stick-to-it determination to keep going, stepping up and stepping out regardless of what is going on in your life that will ensure your ultimate success and happiness.

So, how do you break the cycle? Here are some things you try to do to overcome that feeling of being overwhelmed:

1.  Put it in perspective. Yes, times are tough. In fact, they're pretty horrible. But where do you stand, in the grand scheme of things? Take a hard look at what's going on around you. Look for the bright side - there always is one, somewhere - and hold on to it like a lifeline.

2.  Look to the past. Have you been in this situation before? Has anyone you know been in it? It took me a while, but then I remembered what my own parents went through, when we were in the middle of bad economic times and they were struggling with day jobs and putting six kids thru school/college. How did they handle it? I'll have to ask them, but the bottom line is that they got through it. Which means that now, 30 years later, I will, too.

3.  Evaluate your responsibilities. Each person has many areas of life that they are responsible for. What are the things you must do each day to meet your obligations? List your responsibilities and determine what's important to you.

4.  Have a plan. How often do you chart out the steps you must take each day? Each hour? Make a plan and let it be your guide to keep you on course.

5.  Take baby steps. Pick one thing - one small thing - and do it. Then another. Divide your day into hours, and if you're still feeling overwhelmed, get through the day in five-minute chunks, if need be. The time will pass whether you're constructive or not... might as well be constructive. Work in increments. Working in blocks of time designated to specific time allotments will make you more productive. Block off the time you need to be working on a certain aspect of your project and stick to that time frame.

6.  Take breaks. Working without taking a break decreases your productivity and creativity. Realize that you will become a more efficient worker as you take the breaks that your body was designed to need. Be gentle with yourself. Being angry with yourself doesn't make things better, and there's no need to add guilt to the mix. Cut yourself some slack, take a short break, and give yourself a treat.

7.  Take control of your mind. Often we overwhelm ourselves with the silent words that flow through our mind every moment of the day. When you speak about being overwhelmed your thoughts and then your behaviors will follow. Guard your thoughts for out of them flow your actions and your life. Create thoughts that banish the feeling of being overwhelmed.

Holding feeling and thoughts inside won’t work, especially for women. You know the secret to success? It’s your own ability to BE who you are and express what you feel. If we all did that this world would be such a better, more loving place.

For more information on how to jump start your small business (and your LIFE) with creative strategy and business building ideas and a clear plan to reach your unique target market find out how to talk with me in a complimentary Strategy Session, go fill out the questionnaire at eMBCinc.com.

Let’s plot out YOUR Big Picture Vision and Strategy now before it’s too late!

PS: If you are spiritually inclined, please read the extended article on my spiritual blog at www.PersonalDevelopmentRiches.com

Namaste!

2 Parts of 7

“The plane leaves on Monday. It’s only Friday. So why are you already packing?” That was a question my son used to ask me whenever I prepared for my business travel (2 or 3 years ago before I stopped doing that). I’d respond by telling him that I started packing early so that if I remembered something later on, I could always pack it. Being somebody who usually packed his backpack to school while the school bus is honking from the street, he probably thinks that was the most ridiculous idea.

But, then I was amazed last week when he made a startling statement that I remember it even today. I was helping him with his math homework, and we were sitting on the floor with his advanced algebra book sprawled out in front of us. We were working on an odd-numbered problem and the answer was a fraction — 2/7ths. My son exclaimed, “Oh! The weekend syndrome!” I asked, “What?” He said, “You know, as you always say; how 2 parts of 7, defines who we are, the teenagers!”

Let me explain... As humans, we usually have to have something to look forward to in order to get us through the days, and more often than not, that something we look forward to is usually the weekend. We push ourselves through the week to get to the weekend. We push ourselves to the point where we have become 2/7ths people, only really living 2 days out of the 7 in a week.

Sure, blood is moving through our veins and yeah, oxygen is flowing through our lungs in those 5 weekdays as it is on those 2 weekend days, but it is not the same. We are not the same. In those five days, are we really living or are we living on auto-pilot?

Things can be different, though. We can look forward to those 5 weekdays just like we do the weekend, and thereby become 7/7ths people. And thereby become whole. Daily life can be a lot more interesting and meaningful if we take risks, shed our fear of failure, chase our dreams, and spend more time with one another. If we just do that, we will find ourselves becoming more invested in the Here and Now instead of looking at the clock and counting down time.

One way we can move closer to becoming 7/7th people is by taking risks in our daily lives, whether big or small, personal or professional. So take a risk. Say hi to that person in the hallway instead of making brief eye contact then choosing to glance away until you pass each other. We have all done it. In the moment, you are thinking: “Will he say hi?” — “Should I initiate?” — “Will it be awkward if I don’t?” Just say it. Human beings are creatures of emotion, attachment, and attention and you hold the power to make someone’s day. And if worse comes to worst, remember that awkward is nothing but a state of mind.

Take a risk. Next time you are sitting in a meeting and something doesn’t make sense, ask a question. Who cares if people think it’s dumb? Who really cares? Because in a few weeks or even in a few moments, they will forget and you will have learned the material. More importantly, the best way to move ahead is to focus on asking the questions along the way. It sometimes amounts to placing more importance on the question than the answer. Something as simple as asking yourself what you are really looking for is often missed, but it becomes evident how important it is when you realize that once you have a very clear idea about what question is, the answer is often just sitting there waiting for you.

Becoming 7/7ths is not only about taking risks, but also about confronting the natural human fear of failure. The world has spoken and has decided to mark failure as something only associated with the lowest of the low in society, the rejects, and the losers.

But when we see successful people in life, we see what’s close to a finished product. We don’t see the process, we don’t see the countless shots the stud basketball player missed or the numerous soufflés the chef messed up before getting it just right.

Really, when you think about it, failure in life is inevitable. It is going to happen unless of course you live your life so carefully that you very well may have never lived at all. And if that is the case, then you have already failed.

Failure will teach you things that you can learn no place else. You may find that you have a great work ethic, a strong will, an extra gear, and a network of friends who love you. Really, how else will you know yourself or the strength of your friendships until both have been tested by adversity? That is why we cannot fear failure. We must risk failure in order to live. And it is in these moments of risk that the greatest memories are made, that life takes on a greater meaning. If you take a moment to think about your own defining memories, I bet more than a few of them would be about how you conquered your fears or did something daring and courageous together with your best friends. We hold the power to make more of those memories.

We also hold the power to turn our dreams into reality, which is another part of achieving 7/7ths. Some of us may know what we want to do in life, and even those people may find a new inspiration along the way. But, for the many of us still trying to figure out what we want to do, just give it time, and you’ll find your dream or maybe it’ll find you. And when you find that dream, you gotta get after it, protect it, and dare to be idealistic. Just like with failure, though, society has turned us against that word — idealism. But make no mistake about it; we desperately need more idealistic thinkers in the world today. At the heart of every great goal is idealism, and at the heart of every leader, every risk taker, every go-getter, is the ability to change our definition of what idealistic is.

Moreover, your dreams and goals take on a whole new meaning if you have someone to share them with, which brings me to my next point: being 7/7ths is about being together. The purpose of life is to live a fulfilling one and to spend time with loved ones. Because in life, what we are about is being in the moment and making the moments count. And we make the moments count by enjoying one another’s company, by sharing our stories, laughs, goals, aspirations, and memories with one another. In the end, life is about the big and small things. My hope is that we become 7/7th people.

Are you going to take that one small step now?

To many, success seems to come suddenly. When you observe others and what they have achieved you usually don’t appreciate what it has taken for them to get where they are. Ultimately, in failing to do this you also fail to learn what it would take for you to attain the same level of achievement and success.

But, if you take the time to truly think about it, you will find that success is usually only a small step away. Yet despite that it eludes most people. It is always so near and yet so far.

The journey of a thousand miles...
takes small steps to success all along that hike. Together, they add up to hundreds of thousands of small steps. But we might have chosen not to take the first step. We might have stopped at any point along the way. That would have meant that we would not have gotten to our destination.


There are also obstacles along the way. But with each small step they are overcome.


There are frustrations, fears and uncertainties. But with each small step they are crushed.


There is hardship and danger, but with each small step and focus on the desired destination it is conquered. Success is no mystery.


It takes only one small step to succeed.


So, have you taken that one step today?