Do We KNOW What We Want?

This is an extension of the article that I posted last week. But, if you haven’t read last week’s article, now is a good time to take a look at that. I stated boldly in that article that “Most of us don’t know what we want.” Here are some additional thoughts behind that statement, inspired by another young Gen Y reader’s comments on that article. Also, please tell me your thoughts. Thanks!

“Many people fail in life, not for lack of ability or brains or courage, but because they never organized their energies around a goal.” ~ Elbert Hubbard

How do we effectively assess goals, non-verbal communications (not only body movements but also vocal changes) and other consequences?

Goal Diagnosis helps in assessing emotional blocks and personal histories. It can be used to respond appropriately to non-verbal communication. Goal diagnosis provides essential information for personal development as well.

Although any form of coaching or planning ideally starts with ‘well formed’ goal statements (outcomes), few people can specify their goals. Goal diagnosis recognizes many weird and wonderful goal statements… here are a few examples:

• Abstract goals (e.g. I only want to be happy)
• Childish goals (e.g. I want everything, now)
• Conflicts and multiple goals (including double binds)
• General statements with little sense of direction (e.g. I want more time off)
• Goals lacking times for completion (no deadlines)
• Goal statements with negative grammar (e.g. I don’t want a divorce)
• Goals with incongruent signals (I want X (while shaking the head “No”))
• Metaphors (e.g. I feel like I’m lost in a jungle and I can’t find a path to the village)
• Philosophy (e.g. Someone in my position should have already achieved goal X)
• Word salad (chaotic grammar and sentence structure)

The next step, of course, includes ways to respond appropriately to them. But, before we go there, let me elaborate some terms that I used here:

By Double Binds I refer to paradoxical interpersonal communication. A double bind statement contains internal contradictions. If the addressed person cannot withdraw from the situation, that person cannot decide which message is real and (if young) may develop pathologies.

Double binds may be explicit (e.g. a teacher communicates to a student “I will punish you to improve your education!“) or implicit (e.g. a manager says to an employee “I know that even you can complete this task!” while curling his upper lip). If the addressed person cannot recognize and dissolve double binds, relationship chaos often results.

Some stated goals have a similar structure to double-binds: for example the stated goal may have two or more objects and one verb, (e.g. “I want to be married and happy and …“). If these wishes are believed to be incompatible, any attempts or planning to fulfill a double-wish will likely fail.

By Double Wishes I refer to poorly defined goals that contain internal contradictions. If a person cannot decide which message is true, the person may object to their own goals – or withdraw from the coaching relationship. They may be disappointed that they cannot fulfill their own goals, and delay or miss opportunities for happiness.

I evaluate double goals by first noticing whether any verbal or non-verbal incongruence indicates simultaneous conflict or sequential conflict, and whether a client displays signs of conflict when changing goal polarity. Although a client may state a goal – the underlying goal is often at an existential or identity level, to discover “What is important to me?” or “What sort of person am I?”

Many people avoid unpleasant feelings and inner conflict by focusing on abstract goals (e.g. “I want to be happy“) … we often say that an abstract goal is, “the skin of a goal stuffed with conflict“.

A client may find two or more conflicting possibilities. A well-formed outcomebecomes possible if the definition of the goal can fully incorporate the values of all sides or parts of the conflict, or following an internal change of reference that rejects unwanted influences. In our systemic diagnosis, we often refer to identity level influences as relationship bonds.

Sequential Conflicts

Sequential conflicts can be fascinating … and irritating. Someone can never make up their mind, and if they do make a decision, they may either participate half-heartedly – or for a limited time.

I check the time between polarity changes of a sequential conflict … is it short-cycle or long-cycle? For me, short cycle is less than a few days, while long-cycle is over a week. This is useful information for anticipating a person’s change of heart. I can plan for it … and plan my response. (I find that this greatly decreases my irritation about people who break promises etc).

When you choose a goal or solution, you choose the consequences of that goal or solution.

While we hope for clear answers to the question, “What do you want?” we really don’t expect them. Goal questions seem to stress many people. Nobody wants to appear stupid, and people are often scared of asking for too little… or too much.

Focusing your mind on a specific goal

The statement, “You can do anything you put your mind to,” leads us to believe that all you must do is imagine what you’d like to accomplish, set your mind to the task, and wait for success.

To a certain degree this is true. Focused intention combined with action is a powerful force. But the statement is misleading because it fails to mention the difficulty and necessity of focusing your mind on a specific goal.

Most of us don’t know what we want.

We think we do, but we really don’t.

We only know what we don’t want.

We don’t want a boring job.

We don’t want to be poor.

We don’t want to disappoint our loved ones.

Knowing specifically what you want is much different than knowing what you don’t want. When you only know what you don’t want, your intentions are not focused.

Consider this example.

John doesn’t want to be poor. He is sick of earning less than his friends, and he is determined to raise his status. To accomplish this goal, John could take many different paths. He could train for a high paying profession, such as doctor or lawyer. He could start his own company, go into real estate, or do many other things that would lead to acquiring wealth.

But John is not sure what he wants to do. He doesn’t know which path best fits his skills and personality, so he doesn’t resolve to follow any particular path.

Hoping to answer this question, he investigates a dozen possibilities, but as soon as he runs into adversity he decides that path is not for him and moves on to a new solution.

John’s actions are not focused. Although he works very hard, his efforts don’t build on each other. Rather than building one giant impenetrable sand castle, John has built twenty smalls ones that are easily toppled. He ends up confused and discouraged. Ultimately John’s lack of focus leads to failure.

Now, what if John had chosen a specific path? Suppose he decided on the medical profession. His actions would have been clearly defined:

Step One: Earn a Bachelor's Degree

Step Two: Take the Medical College Admissions Test

Step Three: Earning a Doctor of Medicine Degree

Step Four: Complete a Residency Program

Step Five: Obtain Licensure and Certification

A set of specific goals is much easier to achieve than a vague end goal like becoming wealthy. Being focused on a path gives John a logical set of actions to follow. Each accomplishment is one step closer to the final goal.

I think we can all agree that committing to a clearly defined path, regardless of which one, gives John the best chance of becoming wealthy.

But how can he choose a path if he doesn’t know what he wants? Maybe money is not his only goal. Maybe he wants to do something he loves at the same time. Maybe he can’t afford to go back to school. Reality is complicated, and John doesn’t want to commit too soon.

And that’s why he fails.

But I don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing. Most people don’t fit neatly into a predefined path. Forcing yourself into one may lead to success, but it probably won’t make you happy.

This is the point. If you want to be conventionally successful, to attain wealth and status, you need to choose a specific path (preferably something mainstream) and follow it to the letter.

On the other hand, if you are not particularly concerned with wealth or success, you can take your time searching for that perfect niche.

Just don’t wait too long to decide. Each moment you deliberate, your already committed competitors sprint further ahead.

But, then again, maybe life is not a race, and maybe the most interesting people follow a path all their own…

The Power of Thoughts, Words and Actions

We acquire knowledge, but we lack awareness. Awareness arises when knowledge accompanies action. Mere acquisition of knowledge does not mean that such knowledge will translate into action.

For instance, most of us know that if you smoke cigarettes, you are susceptible to cancer. Cigarette smokers see the statutory warning imprinted on the cigarette packs: ''Smoking is injurious to health’’. Nevertheless, they continue to smoke. But if one day, the smoker does begin to suffer from ill-health on account of his smoking, then, the knowledge turns into awareness - through direct experience - that smoking could indeed be injurious to health.

It is either because we lack this awareness or we are unable to translate awareness to action that we commit mistakes.

We should enjoy freedom and be enthusiastic every moment of our lives. Our lives should become a joyous celebration. But normally, you will only hear tales of sorrow. Attachment leads to sorrow.

One of the best ways to attain material prosperity, spiritual progress, peace and liberation is through meditation. Meditation is not just sitting motionless in perfect posture with closed eyes. Maintaining awareness of our actions, words and thoughts is real meditation.

Our thoughts are like countless water droplets that form a river of words and actions. We have little control over this river. It is so strong that it can even wash away huge boulders that lie in its path. However, it is easy to block or change the direction of a river’s flow at its source with just a stone. Therefore, we must be careful with our thoughts.

If there is a defect in a mould, everything that is made from that mould will be defective. In the same way, unless we first purify our minds, our words and actions will not be pure. Therefore, the first thing we have to do is to control our minds through meditation. And through discriminate actions we can become successful in life.

The root cause of our problems is the ego, but the ego does not have any objective existence. Only humility can help us get rid of our ego. When one says or thinks, ''I am the master’’, one is, in fact, becoming a slave to the ego.

The greatest obstacles to enjoying life are this kind of an attitude and self-centered thoughts. Because of this, we are unable to serve others.

The underlying love is the important link that unites society. Today, that link is weak. More and more individuals are isolating themselves from one another. We need to shower love on our children and enhance their awareness at the same time.

A plant in a dark room will grow in the direction of sunlight. Likewise, children yearn for love, acceptance and attention. We should revive the love that upholds family life, social life and nature. Bonding between family members, young and old, student and teacher and between members of society is important to help us reach out to one another, strengthening our links with one another.

Today, stress is common in every sphere of life. This is mainly because we are obsessed with our own selves - we are driven by our ego. Freedom from tension is possible only through surrender to God. He guides us from within. But we do not have the patience to pay attention to that divine voice. Because of this, we keep repeating our mistakes; we experience sorrow.

Arjuna and Krishna grew up together. Yet Krishna did not impart the Geetha to Arjuna during that time but waited for that moment when Arjuna awakened the disciple within him. To be a disciple is to surrender. Then everything in the cosmos becomes our guru. Every experience becomes our guru. But no amount of experience can help us realize our mistakes unless we cultivate and adopt the humility required to be able to surrender our selves.