My Life's Lessons - New Beginniings

"The obstacles of your past can become the gateways that lead to new beginnings.” ~Ralph Blum

I think we all have this issue: guilt, followed by its sister, regret.

I did not realize how dark a blemish it was on my heart until I fully felt the anguish of my mother’s death (Amma died exactly one year ago, on this date). I never quite realized my full potential, courage, or strength until her passing.

[My mother, in Summer of 1987; taken after defending my Doctoral Thesis in Visakhapatnam, AP.]

Her greatest sacrifice, leaving this earth, proved to be my greatest motivation to search myself for the answer of whom I was and why; it was the major catalyst in my life for change.

Sometimes the best things for you are the hardest. Admitting the darkness you are carrying inside is one of the hardest things to do. Convincing yourself that you have been wrong and need to change can be even harder.

Forgiving yourself because you are human, and loving yourself enough to know you deserve more, and deserve to give others more, is the hardest task of them all.

I was an embittered person as I was growing up. I could hold a grudge with the best of them. I felt I had a lot to be resentful for, and truthfully, much of it was not unwarranted. But with my inability to never let go of things, I was miserable, making everyone else around me miserable, as well.

This went far beyond just being angry. I felt I was being terribly misunderstood and never heard. I also felt the constant need to have to defend myself and my views with a strong argument.

I had a very strained relationship with my amma starting when I was 13 (or even earlier; I was much too young to remember at that time.) I was at that age when I thought my parents knew nothing and I was smarter than they were.

I can now fully understand why I felt that way, beyond just normal teenage rebellion. I was projecting a lot of my older siblings’ perceived unpleasant experiences with my parents onto my own, and letting that determine my relationship with them. There was a lot of friction between them, and I somehow felt that if I did not share their same resentment I was somehow betraying them.

Because of this, I went through my youth and into my adulthood expecting amma to give more than she could and blaming her, instead of blaming myself for not having enough compassion and never taking the time to understand that she was a person, too.

I seemed to always be aggravated at everything she did. I held onto the need to be right, never letting up and always needing to argue. I grew into this person who could never listen with a compassionate heart and lived with resentment instead of love, kindness, and forgiveness.

I was very hard-hearted instead of soft and pliable and forgiving.

We would have bouts of calm when we got along great, then something would shift in her mood or mine and it would turn volatile. I see now that, because we were so much alike, it caused much of that friction. This went on for our whole relationship, up until she visited us when my daughter was born some thirteen years ago.

I am not saying she was without her faults, too. But now that she is gone, and since I am much older, I can see everything so much clearer. That’s where the guilt comes in.

We had been working on our relationship, since then, though we did not acknowledge that openly, and we were really making headway. You see, I could not even hug her, had not done since I was a kid. But I was getting closer to her because I knew she needed it, and so did I.

My great wall was crumbling. We had always done things together for years, not that it stopped the bickering. But, that was all over for a long while. Not long enough, though. And this is where the regret comes in.

I wasted so much time being angry and self-righteous that I missed out on having a better relationship with my mother.

If I had only known then what I have learned in the last few years and especially since her death last year, I could have saved myself the burden of that guilt and regret.

There are so many moments each day where I will have a memory of us together and I will feel shame for the way I reacted to a situation. In my mind I can change the outcome to something that I should have done to handle the situation better.

When she would be difficult, and she could be at times, why did I have to make it worse? Why couldn’t I have just stayed calm and had compassion for her feelings instead of getting overwhelmed and lashing out?

I was incapable of doing that at the time because it’s hard to do when you are totally unconscious. You act before you think, lash out before you embrace.

Oh, how I wish I had known this calm before it was too late! I think about the agony I could be saving myself now, and I am filled with remorse. But it doesn’t have to be that way. You can save yourself from the pain that I am trying to overcome.

All it takes is a step in the right direction. It is so important to put your prideful ego aside and try the softer way. Ask yourself these three questions:

1. Will it destroy me to “give in,” take the barriers down, and not have to be right all of the time?

When you “give in,” it is not to lie down and be trampled on, but to slow down and reflect on what’s most important. The egotistical need to be right is what will ultimately destroy you. It leaves no room for compromise or compassion for another’s feelings, and will cause you more damage in the long run.

2. Is it worth it to be right, making the argument more important than making someone else happy?

When you constantly reinforce to the people in your life that you value your own opinions more than their feelings, it can cause a lot of hurt. Why not take the higher road and save the moment by saving your voice?

3. Will my actions now cause me pain and regret later?

My biggest lesson learned was that, if I had only known then what I know now, I could have prevented so much grief.

I wish I had had more generosity in my heart at that time. I wish I knew how to pause and let myself have that moment to feel the clarity that I needed to make a better choice in how I handled the situation at hand.

I know that, when amma did things that I considered unforgivable, it’s because she did not know any better and was only doing the best she knew how at that time, as was I.

I am so grateful that I have learned these lessons now so that I can have the opportunity to live this way from here on out. I am a big believer in things happening for a reason, and though I don’t quite know how to justify this one, I thank amma every day for her sacrifice in that in losing her, I gained the greatest insight.

I just wished I had learned these lessons sooner, while she was still alive.

Strength in Leardership - Part 2

It is clear, the object is to be of help when called upon, be it a professional or personal nature. As in the case of personal, there are often times when a friend calls for help and the help comes in the form of silence and simply standing by the friend rather than any particular action. In this way the life lesson is very much that of the person in need, except, they also have the love of a friend standing next to them, in support of whatever the choice becomes.

My statement earlier that I did not want to let my friend down pertained more to a need to the importance of that relationship, as clearly we both treasured it. I wanted to convey that our friendship means a lot to me. Also I wanted to let her know that she could count on my strength, in whatever form it may take. Sometimes it has been a silent presence, just holding her hand and other times it is throwing a mirror up to her face (metaphorically speaking), showing her the harsh reality of life. I would not abandon her in her time of need.

In my view, however, all we can really do for someone in need is evaluate the best course of action, take it with dedication and commitment even if it is in silent support no matter who makes the ultimate decision or what comes out of it. At the core of this is then trust and the trust between real friends is indeed mighty.

 

Secondly, about this being a life lesson and an opportunity for her to grow... In fact, we have now reached the ‘tough love’ phase where I am kicking her butt to get in gear and start living again instead of just surviving. She needs this in order to be strong and truly live again. I can see her pain and suffering today though and that is tough to watch. I have gone through what I termed ‘a living nightmare’, and I would have gladly avoided the experience at the time even if it meant losing out on the life lessons learned. Using the term unfortunately just means she has to do it, and I can’t lie to her and tell her it will be easy. Sometimes life is just hard and that is the unfortunate part. There will come a time, probably a few years from now, where she will look back and know she grew and became a stronger person because of her crisis, but that day is not today.

I think, a dialogue like this is very valuable for us all to learn and grow ourselves.

Strength in Leadership

When referring to Leadership, there is an inherent expectation of strength. In regards to teams, the leader of the team is the one to provide the guidance and the power when necessary. What about those times when it is not formal Leadership? 

For example, a friend calls who is in crisis and needs help. You are a friend, peer, and equal with this person; although at that moment, you are subconsciously lifted into a position of leadership. How do you handle that type of situation? This recently happened with me, so I am writing from a personal perspective. A friend needed help, and I was the one she asked for support. I did not think about it at that moment, but looking back, I am so honored and humbled that she would think of me in that time of crisis. Her comment was I would provide strength. My response was that I would not let her down. (Why is it that I would not let her down?) This scenario led me to think about sharing on the topic of strength.

 

We look for Leadership in not only our professional life but, we need it in our personal lives as well. When we have the honor of being able to help and support others, we are de-facto  leaders in their lives, which is not a responsibility to be taken lightly, although it is different than being a team leader. Leadership in this context has to be much more influential and subtle. The truth is, people can and will do what they choose to do.

This is a big point – while I am going to be the solid, dependable, constant friend, I cannot take on her burden for her; unfortunately, it is hers to handle. (Can we change this word 'unfortunate' to 'fortunate'? After all, here is an opportunity for my friend to grow and learn from adversity. Why deprive her of a valuable life lesson?) I think we try to assume too much during some of these situations, which can lead to disaster for all parties. We, as leaders in others’ lives, especially during crisis times, can only provide advice and support to help our friends walk down their own path in life. In my opinion, part of being in a friendship is our willingness to be there as that support and provide that strength for others when they cannot do it themselves.

I would like to hear your thoughts on some of the questions in italics that were listed above in parenthesis. Please join me tomorrow, when I'll post my additional analysis on this.