Obstacles to Happiness

I was in the middle of writing about Neuroplasticity for this week's posting where I was referencing a discussion between His Holiness - the 14th Dalai Lama, and a group of world class neuroscientists in the 1980s. As part of that researching, I ended up listening to a few more of his other discourses that the Dalai Lama engages on a regular basis with psychologists, psychiatrists, and other scientists. The result is this article where I am attempting to summarize some of his teachings based on my understanding of how to overcome certain obstacles in our journey to happiness.

The main obstacle to happiness is that we fail to study the nature of the mind. The Dalai Lama simply describes wisdom, as an understanding of how the mind works. By becoming more familiar with our mind, we can remove the obstacles to happiness and live a joyful life.

However, it is impossible to know how the mind works without observing it. This practice is known as mindfulness meditation. Through practicing mindfulness – by being able to stay in the moment without judgment – the mind develops strength of attention and the power of focus. By reducing one’s mental hold on a constructed ideal and becoming curious rather than controlling, an individual actually has a chance to “awaken,” or become enlightened, in this lifetime. Just as an athlete’s physical regime allows for peak performance, our mind also can become more agile and stable by developing mental sharpness and intelligence through the focused practice of mindfulness mediation.

The Dalai Lama says that with such a healthy mental attitude, we can find balance within the elements of body and mind. When the basic mental attitude is healthy, the mind is less easily disturbed by outside circumstances. But, when it is weak, the mind will be easily disturbed and, the real question then is, how to build a healthy state of mind.

Sense the Possibility of Joyfulness

As we develop a great mental attitude, it becomes easy to see how swiftly thoughts come and go. One can also get motivated to stay in the here-and-now, rather than the before-and-after. However, it becomes clear over time that the only place to experience peace or happiness is in the present moment, and so, we wish to stay there to make that permanent. But, we soon, discover that it is not possible. The Dalai Lama suggests that we become wise, instead, in the knowledge that joy is experienced exclusively in the moment. In contrast, attachment and anger – the desire to overly control outcomes – are obstacles to happiness. Joyfulness, then, is nothing more than becoming aware of “the wonderful potential being wasted” and “sensing possibility.”

Live a Compassionate Life

Compassion leads to happiness. The way to nurture innate compassion is to develop an awareness of gradual, moment-by-moment change. This changing nature of reality is the truth of impermanence on which the Dalai Lama recommends we meditate. Compassion expressed in the presence of a calm mind opens the door to happiness.

“Compassion leads to a calm mind, while anger destroys a calm mind.” ~ His Holiness - the 14th Dalai Lama

I remember, the story that the Dalai Lama described about his own life experience to give us all hope for ours. Even though he was recognized at the age of 2 as a reincarnated Dalai Lama, he said, he was not really interested in study or practice until he was a teenager. Furthermore, it wasn’t until he was in his late 20s that he had “some experience of feeling the absence of independent existence.” Also, it took several more years of intense meditation and study, before these ideas became “close, intimate, and familiar” to the Dalai Lama.

Even though, each transformation is subjective, the Dalai Lama's life and his slow path to enlightenment should encourage the rest of us that anything can be overcome with practice.

“Something that seems impossible to achieve in 100 years can become very close to you with practice.” ~ His Holiness - the 14th Dalai Lama

Infinite altruism once seemed difficult and very far away, but based on the laws of cause-and-effect and the fact that life is “changing, changing, and changing... all the time," the Dalai Lama emphasizes that compassion for oneself and others actually creates happiness.

“If you want others to be happy, practice compassion.

If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” ~ His Holiness - the 14th Dalai Lama

Confession:  Any omissions or inaccuracies are entirely my own, as per my understanding as of now.

Namaste!

Do You Need My Approval?

Need for Approval Kills Freedom.

"Criticism is something you can easily avoid by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing” ~Aristotle

Let go of the need for approval to start thriving.

Trust me, I know, because I spent most of my life seeking approval until I realized it was a waste of time and didn’t work anyway. The desire to get people to like me motivated the majority of my choices and actions in early life.

I mastered the art of telling people what they wanted to hear and being someone they would find impressive—all the while worrying incessantly about what others thought of me, fearing criticism, and holding myself back as a result.

When I first started building my coaching business, this craving for acceptance caused me to hide from opportunities where the potential for reward was high, but the possibility for criticism was equally large.

As an example, one of my first client referrals was to coach the owner of a major manufacturing business. It’s painful to admit that I told my client I wasn’t the right person for the job and referred the person to someone else.

My need for approval created immense anxiety about the value I provided for my clients and caused me to spend far too much time on tasks in order to perfect them. It got to the point where I was wasting so much time and losing so many opportunities that I had to make a big decision: either let the business go or learn how to get over myself!

Fortunately I chose the latter option. I created a plan to learn to let go of needing others’ approval (well, at least letting go enough that it would no longer sabotage my success). Here I am, several years later, running the same business with much greater ease as a result.

Can you relate to these issues?

Do you constantly make choices to avoid disapproval or criticism, rather than what is most valuable, effective or important to you? Do you hold yourself back from speaking your opinions or hide your true self?

This is something you can, and dare I say, must change if you want to be happy in your life and successful in your business or chosen work. It is possible to change. I have done so myself, and since then have helped many other people through my business to do the same.

How is the need for approval holding you back? Can you recognize any of these scenarios?

Quadrant "A" — Need for Approval / Low Performance

The need for approval is negatively impacting your performance—you procrastinate, avoid doing important things, feel anxiety and fear, and get stuck in worry and rumination.

Wanting people to like you, results in declining new opportunities, being too nervous to perform effectively, and you begin to practice avoidance – like apathy, withdrawal, analysis paralysis, and giving up.

If you find yourself in this Quadrant, focus upon how the need for approval is holding you back from doing the important things. Once you move past this, you will be free to achieve and create what you want in life with much less stress and effort, because you are currently exhausting yourself through avoidance.

Quadrant "B" — Need for Approval / High Performance

Although you are a high achiever and get great results in your life, it is often at the expense of everything else.

The need for approval in this case results in doing too much, feeling anxiety, worrying, being unable to stop ruminating about challenges, trying to please everyone, not making time for yourself, working too hard, and being unable to say no.

If you recognize that this is you, focus upon how the need for approval is causing you to do too much instead of only what is important, and to do things for others at the expense of yourself.

Quadrant "C" — Self-Acceptance / Low Performance

In this instance, what others think of you has little impact on your decision-making about how to spend your time. However, your performance is low due to other motivational factors, such as being unaware of what is important to you, what drives you, and what makes you happy.

Hence, you may be stuck doing work you don’t really enjoy and have habits that hinder your performance, or alternatively may not have the skills to work effectively at what you are doing.

If you are stuck in this Quadrant, focus your energy upon getting in touch with what really matters to you. Start to listen to what you really want in your life and act upon this to make it happen. Life becomes much more effortless when you are living in alignment with what is important to you.

Quadrant "D" — Self-Acceptance / High Performance

This is the goal I am always working toward with my coaching clients. It’s a place where you make decisions based on what is right for you. You make effective choices with your time. You are OK with saying no when it is required. And, you are committed to only doing that which is important and valuable for what you want to achieve or create in your life.

In this space, you spend much less time in your head worrying about people and situations and more time just getting things done. You don’t need to be busy in order to appear successful. Instead, you choose to see success as measured by doing what matters to you and to your results. This is a collaborative space where you lead and connect effectively with others, without being at their beck and call.

Once you have identified where you are, it’s time to do something about it! Here are a handful of strategies to help you get to quadrant “D”—the place where you no longer need others’ approval, as you have a sound sense of self-acceptance and you make choices from this place.

How to Let Go of the Need for Approval

1. Build a sound sense of Self-Acceptance.

The first step is to strengthen your core foundation so that you feel strong enough to go with what feels right for you. This way, you will no longer feel the need to look to others to feel good enough about your choices and decisions.

Keep a self-appreciation journal, where you start acknowledging daily or a few times a week the things you are most proud of about yourself: choices you have made, insights you have learned, things you like about yourself, times you have stayed true to yourself, or whatever feels right for you.

2. Let Go of seeking Validation from others.

Secondly, you need to practice letting go of seeking validation for your choices and most importantly, for whom you choose to be.

This means noticing your language, self-talk, and behavior, and identifying when it is coming from wanting someone else to say you are ok, that you made the right choice, or that you did the right thing.

Instead, when you do make a decision, check in with yourself that it feels right, remind yourself that it is your choice, and give yourself validation for just being you.

3. Evaluate tasks based on Approval-seeking Efforts.

Lastly, start being honest with yourself when you take on a new task or commitment, whether you are doing it because it is “right” for you or because you want to get approval and avoid disapproval.

Sit down and evaluate your weekly tasks and ask yourself what is really necessary and important, and what is driven by people pleasing. Then slowly work through the “people pleasing” list and eliminate them.

How has the need for approval impacted your life?