Obstacles to Happiness

I was in the middle of writing about Neuroplasticity for this week's posting where I was referencing a discussion between His Holiness - the 14th Dalai Lama, and a group of world class neuroscientists in the 1980s. As part of that researching, I ended up listening to a few more of his other discourses that the Dalai Lama engages on a regular basis with psychologists, psychiatrists, and other scientists. The result is this article where I am attempting to summarize some of his teachings based on my understanding of how to overcome certain obstacles in our journey to happiness.

The main obstacle to happiness is that we fail to study the nature of the mind. The Dalai Lama simply describes wisdom, as an understanding of how the mind works. By becoming more familiar with our mind, we can remove the obstacles to happiness and live a joyful life.

However, it is impossible to know how the mind works without observing it. This practice is known as mindfulness meditation. Through practicing mindfulness – by being able to stay in the moment without judgment – the mind develops strength of attention and the power of focus. By reducing one’s mental hold on a constructed ideal and becoming curious rather than controlling, an individual actually has a chance to “awaken,” or become enlightened, in this lifetime. Just as an athlete’s physical regime allows for peak performance, our mind also can become more agile and stable by developing mental sharpness and intelligence through the focused practice of mindfulness mediation.

The Dalai Lama says that with such a healthy mental attitude, we can find balance within the elements of body and mind. When the basic mental attitude is healthy, the mind is less easily disturbed by outside circumstances. But, when it is weak, the mind will be easily disturbed and, the real question then is, how to build a healthy state of mind.

Sense the Possibility of Joyfulness

As we develop a great mental attitude, it becomes easy to see how swiftly thoughts come and go. One can also get motivated to stay in the here-and-now, rather than the before-and-after. However, it becomes clear over time that the only place to experience peace or happiness is in the present moment, and so, we wish to stay there to make that permanent. But, we soon, discover that it is not possible. The Dalai Lama suggests that we become wise, instead, in the knowledge that joy is experienced exclusively in the moment. In contrast, attachment and anger – the desire to overly control outcomes – are obstacles to happiness. Joyfulness, then, is nothing more than becoming aware of “the wonderful potential being wasted” and “sensing possibility.”

Live a Compassionate Life

Compassion leads to happiness. The way to nurture innate compassion is to develop an awareness of gradual, moment-by-moment change. This changing nature of reality is the truth of impermanence on which the Dalai Lama recommends we meditate. Compassion expressed in the presence of a calm mind opens the door to happiness.

“Compassion leads to a calm mind, while anger destroys a calm mind.” ~ His Holiness - the 14th Dalai Lama

I remember, the story that the Dalai Lama described about his own life experience to give us all hope for ours. Even though he was recognized at the age of 2 as a reincarnated Dalai Lama, he said, he was not really interested in study or practice until he was a teenager. Furthermore, it wasn’t until he was in his late 20s that he had “some experience of feeling the absence of independent existence.” Also, it took several more years of intense meditation and study, before these ideas became “close, intimate, and familiar” to the Dalai Lama.

Even though, each transformation is subjective, the Dalai Lama's life and his slow path to enlightenment should encourage the rest of us that anything can be overcome with practice.

“Something that seems impossible to achieve in 100 years can become very close to you with practice.” ~ His Holiness - the 14th Dalai Lama

Infinite altruism once seemed difficult and very far away, but based on the laws of cause-and-effect and the fact that life is “changing, changing, and changing... all the time," the Dalai Lama emphasizes that compassion for oneself and others actually creates happiness.

“If you want others to be happy, practice compassion.

If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” ~ His Holiness - the 14th Dalai Lama

Confession:  Any omissions or inaccuracies are entirely my own, as per my understanding as of now.

Namaste!

Love Your Enemies Meditation

This meditation will take anywhere from five to 20 minutes, or even longer if you wish.

It is recommended that you stay in Steps 1 and 2 for one to two minutes each; in Step 3 for three to five minutes; and in Step 4 for five to 15 minutes.

Step by Step

1. Get into a comfortable, seated position, either in a chair with your legs uncrossed, or on the floor. Adjust your posture so that your spine is upright, yet your body feels relaxed. Rest your hands in your lap or on your thighs, with the palms facing up or down.

2. Close your eyes and bring your attention to your breathing. Take a few conscious and deep abdominal breaths. Let your exhalations carry out any tension or anxiety you are feeling now, and use them throughout your meditation to expel any tension or anxiety that comes up.

 

If it is helpful, you may use the affirmations—"I am" on the in-breath and "calm and relaxed" on the out-breath—to center yourself during this practice.

3. Bring your awareness to your heart. Allow your breaths to massage this area. Notice any specific feelings or thoughts you may have about yourself, people you know, or any particular event. Cultivate a detached and nonjudgmental attitude to anything that comes up for you.

4. Continue to focus on the heart area while doing the following:

• Cultivate a friendly and accepting attitude toward yourself and your friends.

• Develop feelings of compassion and understanding for all those who suffer. 

• Be joyful in your thoughts about a particular person who is important to you or a saint or guru you hold in high esteem. 

• Maintain feelings of indifference and equanimity to anyone who has harmed you or anyone else. Don't get sucked into their mean-spiritedness or harmful deeds.

To complete your meditation, take three to five deep abdominal breaths. Open your eyes and slowly get up. 

When a Character Strength Becomes a Weakness

In my youth, I was striven to be “nice.” I tolerated a lot from others. I forgave easily and learned to “turn the other cheek.” I made myself constantly available to other people and asked nothing in return. I remained loyal even when people mistreated me. I helped friends even when my need for help was greater. When friends started calling me their “angel,” I was proud at first.

But soon I became resentful of what that implied. If my purpose was solely to help them, then who would help me? I felt more like a doormat than an angel.

Then, in my early teens, the proverbial pendulum swung the other way. I became protective of my emotional resources and was rather “prickly” at times.

The self-absorption that is typical of adolescence hit me a little later, as a reaction to feeling taken advantage of in previous years. I no longer wanted to be a helper because I no longer wanted to feel used.

This strength of mine—helping—then felt like a weakness.

So for a time, I gave up something I truly valued, because I didn’t know how to use that strength without hurting myself. But after a while, I began to feel a disconnect. It was still important to me to help people— friends, family, and strangers alike. But how could I do it in a way that wouldn’t lead to my downfall?

When a character strength becomes a weakness, how do we maintain what is important to us without the harmful side effects?

If we really examine what’s meaningful to us, we often find there are values underlying our character traits that can guide us.

On the stage of life, values are the casting directors and character traits are the performers. You don’t use the same performer for every role, so the casting director has to use the best performer for each role to drive the point home.

“Accommodating” will not likely be cast when the role calls for “advocating.” Luckily, we each have a whole cast of character traits backstage. But how do you know which trait fits the bill?

Here are some steps to take when you feel like your strengths no longer serve you:

1. Think of a character strength that has also become a weakness for you.

In my case it was “helping.” Helping had center stage for a while, but was getting booed off.

2. Consider: What are the values that underlie that trait? Why do you have that trait?

In my example of “helping,” the underlying values are community, equity, and compassion, to name a few.

3. Think about the ways in which this trait has not served you, and how does that violate the underlying values? In other words, when this trait causes more harm than good, how does the harm go against what’s really important to you?

In my case, helping became something I did to the detriment of my own emotional health, sometimes allowing others to take advantage of me. That certainly violated my values of community, equity, and compassion (toward myself).

When “helping” no longer suited the role, it was time to choose another player.

4. As you move about your world, focus on the “why” of your traits—the underlying values.

When you begin to notice that these traits are not serving you, shift gears to maintain your values. To do this, you may fall back on another strength.

For example, in my case, when I felt like my helping is breaking the flow of community, becoming inequitable, or lacking in compassion toward myself, I reined it in and used a different character strength (perhaps assertive communication or intentional self-care) that best fitted the role.

BTW, this technique can work with all of your strengths: loyalty, trust, enthusiasm, flexibility. When they are not serving you, it may be time to bring another strength into the spotlight, so as not to sabotage your intentions.

5. Once you feel comfortable with that, consider this: Your “weaknesses” may be hidden strengths, waiting in the wings for their turn in the spotlight.

Take some time to think about the “why's" behind them. What values do they express? What purpose do they serve? What role could they play?

Your conflict avoidance may reflect your value of “peace,” but may leave you feeling emotionally stuck.

Your procrastination may reflect your value of “spontaneity,” but may leave you feeling ineffective.

How might you use these traits to serve you? Or how might the underlying value be better expressed? Perhaps the director wants to pull “conflict avoidance” from the stage and put “mediation” out there instead.

It is possible to use all of our traits as strengths, if we are mindful of them and purposeful in their use.

I didn’t abandon my trait of “helping.” In fact, as an executive and business coach, I made a career out of it. But it remains a strength because I now use it only to the extent that it promotes my personal values.

When you feel like the play is falling apart, let the casting directors re-think the cast, and draw on the ample strengths backstage.

More on weakness traits, tomorrow...