Are Your Expectations Holding You Back?

"Waking up to who you are requires letting go of who you imagine yourself to be.” ~ Alan Watts

For a long time, I felt like I was standing on a riverbank just watching the water of life go by, too scared to jump in and play. I was waiting for the perfect current to come along that I could ride all the way to the completion of my intensely detailed life goals.

I didn’t want to move until I felt like success was guaranteed and I was certain it was the “right” thing. Life was flowing, and I wasn’t doing anything. You can never be certain about the future.

Around this time, I graduated from the University and instead of feeling excited and free, I felt like a large weight was dropped on my shoulders. I had a lot of expectations to meet, all of which were self-imposed. After all, I had a science degree. By the world’s standards, I was bound to be successful, get a great job, and make money.

The thing is, I couldn’t shake the feeling that the path of science in the traditional sense was not right for me. I also couldn’t seem to function with the weight of these expectations. I got depressed, frustrated, and disappointed with myself for not pursuing science in the right way. I expected myself to be successful, which eventually escalated into expectations of perfection in all the areas of my life.

One day, at the end of a long day in the laboratory conducting experiments, I was on a walk with my mentor (on our way to the bus stop, heading home) and he said to me, “Murty gaaru! (I used to be called with my middle name; and 'gaaru' in my mother tongue is an adjective that symbolizes reverence), you just have to jump in the river and swim! You might wash up on the shore of the riverbank a little ways down, but at least you are moving. Plus, you never know who or what will be there on the shore waiting for you. Just jump in and stop trying to set expectations for the future. Jump in and ride whatever current looks good now.”

It took me a while to digest what he was saying. But, once I understood it, that’s exactly what I did. Instead of focusing on what to do, where to go, and how I was going to accomplish everything I thought I wanted in life, I focused on releasing the expectations I had about it all. I focused on what I wanted to and could do now. I finally jumped in; finished my Ph. D. dissertation and left the country for further research in Canada.

The following are some tips and lessons I learned while making the transition from expectation overload to the lightness of exploration.

Less Expectation, More Exploration And Trust

Oh, this is so juicy! When expectations rule our lives, we set ourselves up for disappointment. Then guess what? We judge ourselves harshly for it.

For example, I had a list of specific measurable goals for where I thought I should be when I graduated from the University. When I finally did and realized I didn’t meet any of my goals, I felt disappointed and started telling myself I was a failure. Of course, this behavior got me nowhere.

The most important thing I learned is to release my expectations about how I think my life should go, and approach life from a place of exploration. This opens you up to experiencing things that are beyond your wildest dreams. It’s okay to have goals, but make sure to leave room for something even greater to come along.

Maybe the most peaceful and quickest way to achieve something is a way you haven’t thought of yet. Be willing to go with the flow. This requires trust. I learned that when I let go and trust I will receive everything I need, I always do. I often find myself saying at the end of the day, “Wow, this day was amazing and I had no plan, yet I accomplished everything I needed to.”

Explore through life knowing deep down that you are always guided to exactly where you need to be. Plus, doesn’t exploring sound like more fun than expecting?

Look Beyond Your Distractions

A lot of us want external things because of the way we think they will make us feel. I wanted a skinnier body because I thought it would make me feel happy and loved. I wanted a successful career because I thought I would feel fulfilled. I wanted a relationship because I thought it would relieve my loneliness.

These things can distract us from looking within ourselves for answers. When they fail to do what we want, we fell disappointed and angry. In order to release this cycle of disappointment, we need to release the belief that they will save us.

If you want to experience more love, start giving more love. If you don’t want to feel lonely, then start healing the belief that you are alone. If you want to feel like you are worth something, start treating yourself like you are worth something, because you most definitely are.

When you heal the beliefs that run wild in your mind, you can still enjoy the externals, but you are no longer trying to get something from them. You know you are already fulfilled, happy, and complete, so if your circumstances change, you can maintain your joy.

Relax More, Judge Yourself Less

I have learned that the loving voice within, also known as our inner guide, has a bigger plan for us than we have for ourselves. I don’t know about you, but I want that plan!

As it turns out, right now you are exactly where you need to be.

The only thing you need to do in order to follow the path of your inner guidance is listen to it by releasing your judgments about what you think is happening. You don’t have to have everything figured out right now.

Get quiet and listen for guidance about what to do in this moment. Any advice coming from love will be something you can do now. The thought of doing it will make you feel lighter and excited.

Change Your Thoughts

If you are feeling disappointed, it’s because of the thoughts you have about the situation. So, if you don’t want to feel disappointed, change your thoughts.

The first thing I do when I feel any disturbance to my peace of mind is say to myself, “I am determined to see this person/situation differently.” This is how you step into your power. Everything happens for you, not to you. You’ll be amazed at the shifts in perception that occur when you become willing to release fear and see love instead.

When you focus on releasing the thoughts about how you imagined your life to be, your most loving, truthful self can come forward and guide you. There is nothing to figure out.

Do You Need My Approval?

Need for Approval Kills Freedom.

"Criticism is something you can easily avoid by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing” ~Aristotle

Let go of the need for approval to start thriving.

Trust me, I know, because I spent most of my life seeking approval until I realized it was a waste of time and didn’t work anyway. The desire to get people to like me motivated the majority of my choices and actions in early life.

I mastered the art of telling people what they wanted to hear and being someone they would find impressive—all the while worrying incessantly about what others thought of me, fearing criticism, and holding myself back as a result.

When I first started building my coaching business, this craving for acceptance caused me to hide from opportunities where the potential for reward was high, but the possibility for criticism was equally large.

As an example, one of my first client referrals was to coach the owner of a major manufacturing business. It’s painful to admit that I told my client I wasn’t the right person for the job and referred the person to someone else.

My need for approval created immense anxiety about the value I provided for my clients and caused me to spend far too much time on tasks in order to perfect them. It got to the point where I was wasting so much time and losing so many opportunities that I had to make a big decision: either let the business go or learn how to get over myself!

Fortunately I chose the latter option. I created a plan to learn to let go of needing others’ approval (well, at least letting go enough that it would no longer sabotage my success). Here I am, several years later, running the same business with much greater ease as a result.

Can you relate to these issues?

Do you constantly make choices to avoid disapproval or criticism, rather than what is most valuable, effective or important to you? Do you hold yourself back from speaking your opinions or hide your true self?

This is something you can, and dare I say, must change if you want to be happy in your life and successful in your business or chosen work. It is possible to change. I have done so myself, and since then have helped many other people through my business to do the same.

How is the need for approval holding you back? Can you recognize any of these scenarios?

Quadrant "A" — Need for Approval / Low Performance

The need for approval is negatively impacting your performance—you procrastinate, avoid doing important things, feel anxiety and fear, and get stuck in worry and rumination.

Wanting people to like you, results in declining new opportunities, being too nervous to perform effectively, and you begin to practice avoidance – like apathy, withdrawal, analysis paralysis, and giving up.

If you find yourself in this Quadrant, focus upon how the need for approval is holding you back from doing the important things. Once you move past this, you will be free to achieve and create what you want in life with much less stress and effort, because you are currently exhausting yourself through avoidance.

Quadrant "B" — Need for Approval / High Performance

Although you are a high achiever and get great results in your life, it is often at the expense of everything else.

The need for approval in this case results in doing too much, feeling anxiety, worrying, being unable to stop ruminating about challenges, trying to please everyone, not making time for yourself, working too hard, and being unable to say no.

If you recognize that this is you, focus upon how the need for approval is causing you to do too much instead of only what is important, and to do things for others at the expense of yourself.

Quadrant "C" — Self-Acceptance / Low Performance

In this instance, what others think of you has little impact on your decision-making about how to spend your time. However, your performance is low due to other motivational factors, such as being unaware of what is important to you, what drives you, and what makes you happy.

Hence, you may be stuck doing work you don’t really enjoy and have habits that hinder your performance, or alternatively may not have the skills to work effectively at what you are doing.

If you are stuck in this Quadrant, focus your energy upon getting in touch with what really matters to you. Start to listen to what you really want in your life and act upon this to make it happen. Life becomes much more effortless when you are living in alignment with what is important to you.

Quadrant "D" — Self-Acceptance / High Performance

This is the goal I am always working toward with my coaching clients. It’s a place where you make decisions based on what is right for you. You make effective choices with your time. You are OK with saying no when it is required. And, you are committed to only doing that which is important and valuable for what you want to achieve or create in your life.

In this space, you spend much less time in your head worrying about people and situations and more time just getting things done. You don’t need to be busy in order to appear successful. Instead, you choose to see success as measured by doing what matters to you and to your results. This is a collaborative space where you lead and connect effectively with others, without being at their beck and call.

Once you have identified where you are, it’s time to do something about it! Here are a handful of strategies to help you get to quadrant “D”—the place where you no longer need others’ approval, as you have a sound sense of self-acceptance and you make choices from this place.

How to Let Go of the Need for Approval

1. Build a sound sense of Self-Acceptance.

The first step is to strengthen your core foundation so that you feel strong enough to go with what feels right for you. This way, you will no longer feel the need to look to others to feel good enough about your choices and decisions.

Keep a self-appreciation journal, where you start acknowledging daily or a few times a week the things you are most proud of about yourself: choices you have made, insights you have learned, things you like about yourself, times you have stayed true to yourself, or whatever feels right for you.

2. Let Go of seeking Validation from others.

Secondly, you need to practice letting go of seeking validation for your choices and most importantly, for whom you choose to be.

This means noticing your language, self-talk, and behavior, and identifying when it is coming from wanting someone else to say you are ok, that you made the right choice, or that you did the right thing.

Instead, when you do make a decision, check in with yourself that it feels right, remind yourself that it is your choice, and give yourself validation for just being you.

3. Evaluate tasks based on Approval-seeking Efforts.

Lastly, start being honest with yourself when you take on a new task or commitment, whether you are doing it because it is “right” for you or because you want to get approval and avoid disapproval.

Sit down and evaluate your weekly tasks and ask yourself what is really necessary and important, and what is driven by people pleasing. Then slowly work through the “people pleasing” list and eliminate them.

How has the need for approval impacted your life?

Living Beyond Conflict

Have you noticed how our children are being taught to live in a cycle of conflict—through media and video games, etc. They are learning the importance of conflict in their schools too! The foundation of any class essay they write is that a plot must consist of an introduction, conflict, and resolution. In fact, every story that we read is based on this core principle. It is our collective story!

How do we write a new story?

I dedicated the last few years of my life to mastering a new story, not for the world but for myself. In fully dropping a storyline that clings to conflict, I free myself to imagine a world beyond peace.

As I began to understand my attachment to conflict, I discovered that not only were my actions tied to the cycle of conflict and resolution, my desire for intimacy was woven into this same cycle.

Stop for a second and think about relationships.

Most intimate moments come from joining together around conflict. When we have a problem, we reach out to a friend for comfort. The friend either commiserates by sharing her/his own similar problems or helps us find a resolution. We are comforted by these moments of intimate bonding.

So, how do we create intimacy beyond conflict?

Some time ago, I was watching a discussion between His Holiness - the Dalai Lama and several world peace advocates moderated by Katie Couric, who asked them a question:

“We focus so much attention on attaining world peace; What comes after peace?”

After several years of contemplating this very question, I was curious to hear the response from these famous peace leaders.

One by one, each person attempted to answer. Yet, each answer simply reiterated the need for peace. Not one of these renowned peace advocates actually answered the question. Even more significant is that not one of them even seemed to realize that they were not answering the question. Obviously, like seasoned politicians, they stick to their agendas, without deviating from what they were prepared to say to an unexpected question.

Then His Holiness - the Dalai Lama, with his brilliant smile and light-hearted nature spoke. He shared that when you have peace at your core, you will be happy and you will have more friends. “And,” he said, “everyone likes more friends.”

Simple and true.

Yes, after peace comes joy. We must start by finding this joy within ourselves.

As we release our attachment to storylines of conflict, we will discover a whole new way of connecting to others. We will discover a new way of seeing this world.

Begin by imagining a new world. See a world that is more vibrant and colorful than you have ever imagined before. This world has unlimited possibilities, and all we have to do is to explore and create beauty. In this world everything moves naturally into its most perfect form.

Meditating on this “Vibrant New Earth” immediately brings life into harmony. More than that, meditating on this Vibrant New Earth is the greatest gift (on this upcoming Mother Nature's Mother's Day) we can offer our world in our quest for peace.

We are co-creators of this universe. We must be able to see a world of joy in order to move through peace and create the world we desire.

John Lennon understood this in the 70′s when he planted the seed of intent with his song Imagine  (you can listen to it here>> http://youtu.be/yRhq-yO1KN8)

Most of us have heard this song. We have felt the vibration of peace it carries: But have we actually taken the time to imagine?

Imagination is the gateway to creation. Let’s join together and imagine a world beyond peace. Lets co-create in this moment a world filled with playful and creative joy.

Make Chaos Disappear

Every day brings us a choice, either to practice stress or to practice peace. Right now I am in a tight squeeze. I am in the process of making some big changes, and it’s bringing quite a bit of chaos—uncertainties, insecurities, and fears—into my life, like any change does.

A deep desire of mine is to be able to look chaos in any form, of any magnitude, squarely in the eye and levitate up to the next level of not letting any of the anarchy affect my inner peace. Whatever the drama—work, family, friends, worldly, financial, school, natural disasters—I don’t want any of it to touch my inner peace. My desire is for peace or bust, on the inside and all around me.

When we recognize that life is our mirror, we begin to understand that the outer chaos merely represents our mental state. It is the mime of our mind. If we can quiet our inner chaos, our outer chaos will disappear.

However, too often we get this process backward, and that is why it takes us so long sometimes to tame all of the chaos: We don’t take the time to first quiet our mental noise. A good friend of mine, Jordana Carroll advises us of the importance of mental floss in all her weekly radio shows on the Mentors - VoARadio Network. (If you haven't heard any of her shows, you should check her out at: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/search/jordanacarrollshow)

I often say that I desire to be a yogi, untouched and at ease. My biggest fear is someone knocking me off balance and getting trampled. So, my fantasy is to be just kind of floating there in the lotus position in the middle of it all, with pushing and shoving going on all around me, yet I am untouched. I remain at ease and guarded by my peaceful light.

I crave that kind of serenity in my day to day. When situations arise that are not going according to my plan, I want to transcend into a glowing yogi and remain perfectly centered, unfazed by the drama going on all around me. Keeping this vibe of peace is hard to do sometimes when we are faced with the challenges of life.

Winds of change blow through our lives daily, and unpredictable circumstances happen regularly that are beyond our control. How do we handle it all?

Personally, my brain used to rush to “fix” everything. If something came up that did not go according to my plan, I used to spend sleepless nights trying to figure out “what to do.”

I solicited advice from friends, loved ones, and colleagues. I even 'Googled' for any hints and solutions I could find. I did anything other than assimilate myself as the peaceful yogi who doesn’t worry, and again that is approaching the issue backward.

It is only from cultivating an inner calm and centeredness that I was able to transcend above any outer chaos. So, how can we do this? How can we transform any chaotic situation into one of inner and outer peace? How do we sit calmly and not get caught up in the hype? How do we not worry? How do we stay centered and grounded? How do we remain connected and rooted?

Here are some ideas that I use; maybe some of them might work for you:

1. Thoughts have power

Visualize - this is the first thing I do. I try to calm my mind down, and I start envisioning the outcome I’d like to see happen. I don’t get attached to these ideas; I simply start imagining myself happy, healthy, safe, and loved. I begin to visualize a friendlier situation and outcome.

Then I can rest in those good vibes as I remain cradled in my center. Thoughts have power.

2. Words have power.

Train your subconscious brain to have a different default thinking than it does now. Wishful thinking for different circumstances is not enough to transcend us; we have got to feel it. If we wish for things to be better or different, but underneath it all we feel that we are doomed no matter what, then nothing will change. It takes us retraining our subconscious mind to have a different belief system.

I personally like to use affirmations to help me improve my mental and emotional fitness. In Hindu scriptures, we call this a mantra. It’s a positive, uplifting thought that is to be repeated many times throughout the day until it becomes an inner truth and belief system.

An example of a mantra is, “Everything always works out,” or, “Only what is best will happen.” When I am stressed, repeating these two mantras throughout the day pulls me back into my center and eases my mind. Words have power.

3. Feelings have power

Develop faith that things always turn out OK. In order for us to transcend our situation and create more peace in our lives, we have got to feel it. The best way for us to succeed at levitating above the mosh pit is to have faith.

To have faith, we must believe with conviction that everything will be OK, even if we cannot currently see exactly how.

When we possess faith, that inner knowing is a feeling that we have. We know. And we cannot evolve fully into knowing until we have unshakeable faith. Feelings have power.

4. Action is power

Keep your eyes and heart focused on how you can add value to the world each day. In Hindu scriptures, we call this our Dharma, and it means life purpose. It is our own unique mission in life, the reason each of us are here. It is our individual gift we were born to share with others. It is what we are here to serve and dazzle the world with. It is in our DNA and a part of us. It is scripted on our souls.

In moments of mayhem, cling to your purpose in life. Stick with what is true to you. No matter what is going on in our lives right now, our only guarantee is our life purpose. It will never leave you because it is a part of you. You need your purpose, and your purpose needs you. It is the yin to our yang.

So, in my moments of panic and confusion, instead of pumping my brain for answers, I have learned to continue to focus on my purpose. We are here on this Earth for one purpose alone: to be and spread unconditional love. It’s how we do it that differs. And it’s these differences that paint the mosaic of life.

When all else fails, focus on how you can add value to the world. If you are wondering what your own personal life mission is, follow your dreams; they will lead you there.

When I know I have contributed value to the world each day, I feel centered, grounded, and at ease. Action is power.

Remember, the outer world is a mirror of our inner world. If we can tame the inner beast inside, the dramas in our outer worlds will subside. And when events occur that are beyond our control, we can use these four steps to remain rooted in our center, and at peace.

We will become one with the yogi floating in the mosh pit, glowing and untouched.

Obstacles to Mindfulness

"Peace of mind is not the absence of conflict from life, but the ability to cope with it.” ~Unknown

Mindfulness has allowed me to become more aware of my thoughts and reach a sense of inner peace. As my awareness has increased, so has the peace and joy in my life. The more familiar I have become with the inner workings of my mind, the better I have started to feel.

I came onto the path of mindfulness, meditation, and spirituality within the past 10 years only. At the time, in early 2000s, I was watching the syndicated TV-series Ed where the main character experiments with lucid dreaming.

That got me interested, and that is where my journey started. It hasn’t been an easy journey by any means, but I am nearing a decade on this path, and I don’t regret it for a moment.

I have been through a lot of challenges, such as going through brief spurts of depression. I have felt like I wasn’t good enough, and that life wouldn’t work out the way I wanted it to. In every one of these cases I let my thoughts run wild. I started focusing on the negative instead of on the positive, and I think many people have the same tendency.

So, there have been both ups and downs, but in the end they have all been there for a reason. And with each “bad period,” I have learned more and more about myself. I have learned more about what works and what doesn’t, and they have all been blessings in disguise.

I wanted to give up many times, but I am glad that I kept going.

Truly living in the present moment is not easy, but it is highly rewarding. The best way to move forward on your own path to “here and now” is to understand the potential obstacles and plan in advance how you’ll deal with them.

1. Progress doesn’t always come quickly.

Progress may seem excruciatingly slow. There will be times when you attach to things and situations that you want, which will make it difficult to be fully in the present moment. It’s impossible to be mindful when you are dwelling on the past or obsessing about the future.

We all do those things sometimes. I have experienced it countless times in my own life. The more I want something, the more I fixate on not having it and wanting to get it.

Once I release the attachment and focus on being grateful for what I have in the moment, my life seems to shift, and progress seems to happen naturally.

2. Mindfulness takes ongoing effort.

Mindfulness takes a lot of work, but the good news is that the longer you practice, the easier it gets, and the more joyful your life becomes.

At first, your thoughts will be in chaos, and everything will seem out of control. Your situation will feel helpless, but the more you focus on being fully where you are, the easier it will be to find peace of mind in the moment.

Mindfulness is best practiced throughout your day. It’s not just for when you sit down and meditate. Focus on being mindful of your thoughts when you are doing everyday tasks and it will be easier to remain mindful when things get tough.

3. There will always be distractions.

When you are on your journey to becoming more mindful, it seems as if the universe starts throwing stuff at you just to give you challenges.

The distractions could be problems in your life, drama in your relationships, or old negative beliefs popping up from your past.

These are great opportunities to practice present moment awareness. They will help you become stronger, better, and more in tune with yourself. The problems and challenges we face are teachers in disguise.

They are there to help you grow and to realize who you truly are.

4. You may want to give up.

Like with any worthwhile journey, you will feel like giving up and throwing in the towel multiple times. But it is during the times when you feel most frustrated that you are often on the verge of a breakthrough.

Our lives are very similar to the seasons. We go through cold, dark winters, and joyful, expanding summers. It all comes and goes. It’s the ebb and flow of life.

When you realize that the challenging times are there to help you grow, you will automatically feel more peaceful and relaxed.

5. Your goals may challenge your mindfulness.

Having goals is fantastic, even essential, but when you become overly attached to them, something bad happens, just like we talked about above.

You know that you are too attached to something when you start feeling frustrated, angry, and negative.

Attachment muddles our clarity. You are likely pursuing your goals because you believe they will make you happy. But, real happiness comes from within, even when things don't appear to be going perfectly well outwardly, and it is still possible to experience sincere happiness. It is our inner feeling that creates happiness, along with how we interpret the events of life.

This will make you much happier in the long term, and, of course, right now.

6. You might forget that the journey is the destination.

Most people miss the fact that the reward is in the journey. Have you ever noticed that when you reach a goal, it’s not as exciting as you thought it would be? Sure, it feels great to hit a milestone, but if you do not replace that goal with another one, you will soon find yourself feeling unfulfilled.

That’s because we are goal-seeking mechanisms. Humans need goals so they can have a sense of purpose and fulfillment.

It is in the journey that we learn, grow, and become better. When you are practicing mindfulness, remember that there is nowhere to arrive at. If you focus on what is going on right now, the rest takes care of itself.

7. Sometimes you’ll want to be anywhere but in the now.

Even the most enlightened masters on earth have to deal with difficult situations and chaotic thoughts. The difference is they have learned to accept the moment for what it is.

When you do this, you become the guardian of your inner space, which is the only way to feel good inside and find peace of mind, right now.

Finding Strengths in Weaknesses

 ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Recently, I had an intense few days involving an extremely spiritual and emotionally significant event that has recently ended, or at least ended in one form.

These feelings are all normal and to be expected, of course. But I noticed that when I let full vent to my emotions, without trying to be strong or stoic, I felt better. I still felt grief and sadness, but they felt right, somehow–not like suffering, not like something I had to overcome or escape.

This started me thinking about this characteristic I have of feeling emotions–and expressing them–very intensely. I realized that for my whole life I have felt emotions intensely, and in relationships, even the short-lived ones, I have always given of myself 100%. Though it always hurts to not get the same reception from someone you love, I got to thinking: This characteristic I have of giving love so totally–is this a strength or a weakness?

On one hand, it hurts, and I do tend to give myself away too quickly, without waiting to see if the other person is capable of meeting me in the same way. This can be seen as a weakness, something for me to work on tempering.

On the other hand, the fact that I have the capacity to give myself in this way, over and over, even when I have been hurt, can be seen as a strength. I don’t want to stop being able to do that. I like that about myself. I never want to let the pain of the past interfere with my ability to feel, fully, in the present–to give of myself and to express my inner self.

Though feelings can hurt, the ability to feel is a gift. And the ability to express feelings to others is a gift to them. To hold back emotions is to keep back a special gift from the world.

When we notice parts of ourselves that we consider weaknesses, I wonder if we can stop for a moment and look at them closely, to see if, somewhere, there are underlying strengths there as well.

If we have a tendency to get angry, for instance (as I do), doesn’t that also mean that we feel we are worthy of self-protection–that we feel things passionately?

If we sometimes overeat, can this also mean that we have an appreciation for the senses, or that we have the capacity and self-love to want to comfort ourselves when we are hurting?

Yes, we may need to work on expressing these emotions in a healthier way, but can we accept what we need to work on while also exploring the other side of the coin? Can we modify our behavior while still retaining the knowledge that, underneath the unhealthy behaviors are positive aspects that are longing to express themselves?

Can we actually use our weaknesses to discover our strengths?

I am passionate. I love fully and don’t hold back from my partners. I feel strongly and I am not afraid of expressing the truths of my soul. Though our culture may suggest it’s better to hold back, to appear “reasonable” and calm, to me, this is one of my greatest strengths and gifts to the universe. It’s taken me a long time to realize this.

What about you? Where are your strengths hidden within your weaknesses?

Succeeding Thru Inner Peace

For many years, like many people I lived my life failing to understand that inner peace is a choice. I am not sure what I was thinking those days. Perhaps I didn’t believe anyone could feel a lasting peace inside. I did know that my own feelings of peace were always transitory.

There were many ups and downs in my life, too many claims on my time and too many difficult situations to be dealt with. I think I actually believed inner peace could only be achieved by monks and saints, or anyone living a reclusive life who didn’t have to deal with everyday struggles.

I was stuck in a world of confusion, wondering how peace could be mine when there was always something, some drama going on in my own life or the lives of those I loved.

In fact, it seemed to me that the whole world was filled with stuff, negative stuff mostly, which I read about in the newspaper, saw on the television, or heard from someone I knew.

It was the kind of stuff that pulls at your emotions—the breaking news story of a missing woman being found murdered, the tragedy of a child being killed by a hit and run driver, the numbers of homeless people tripling, and a devastating Tsunami killing thousands and paralyzing an entire country, etc.

Then there were the stories closer to home— my father suffering from stroke and eventually passing away soon after my son was born, my sister struggling with cancer and ultimately succumbing, and my mother too was diagnosed with cancer and dying less than three months later,—all tearing at my heart and leaving me hurt and grieving.

In my own personal life too, my emotions dipped and peaked along with how much control I felt I had over my own happiness. I literally felt like a puppet on a string, and asked myself over and over again, “How can I feel a constant inner peace in my heart and life, when my emotions see-saw up and down according to what is happening in and around me?”

Looking back I know I believed that my emotions were important. After all, wasn’t being emotional an essential part of being alive? Emotions made me feel real and allowed me to extend empathy to everyone else.

But in the deepest part of myself, I did not feel good most of the time. I wished not to be so emotional. I wanted to be released from all the conflict in my life—to not react to other people’s words and anger—to feel serenity in my heart. It was an almost desperate need to alter or to stop the negative cycle of events which seemed to dominate my relationships and my life.

I believe it was that intention which kept on surfacing in my mind and in my heart that fueled my spiritual search and led me to discover a more peaceful way to live, despite the conflict in my life.

I know that as the months and years went on I became more determined to change the way I was living.

It was a few months ago—I cannot pinpoint exactly when it happened—when I finally felt a peace inside that did not come and go along with my emotions or the drama in my life. I know it was the culmination of making a lot of changes, including:

Believing I am loved

Understanding that negative childhood imprinting leads to feeling unloved and having low self-esteem, I looked for and found the truth about myself. It was not what I had been led to believe was true!

Believing we are loved comes with knowing who we are, not judging ourselves or others for mistakes we make, and from daily meditation in which we feel the unconditional love of something greater than ourselves.

Monitoring and changing my thoughts

I once believed I had no control over what I was thinking, because I never considered the idea that thoughts can be changed! Then I started focusing on my thoughts and realized much of what I was thinking did not reflect the way I truly felt.

Just paying by attention to them, we see that many thoughts are primarily fear-based and judgmental.

And, because they come and go unchallenged, most of us struggle through life unconsciously accepting that we are our thoughts. We simply do not look at or challenge them as they appear and disappear. By accepting them we give them permission to shape our beliefs about ourselves and our lives.

Once you start recognizing them, you can go about changing your thoughts. Through observing how your thoughts differ from the way you really feel, you can choose to place a different thought in your mind, which more accurately reflects the way you feel.

Coming from loving kindness and living from my higher self

By noticing and appreciating other people’s kindness, we become aware how much it really matters in daily living. In dealing with difficult telephone calls, perhaps an angry person on the other end of the line, we can choose to be kind.

When a friend asks us to help with something, we can decide on the kindest thing to say or do.

If someone asks for a donation for the umpteenth time, we can deal with the request kindly. Obviously, there are times we cannot give whatever is being asked of us; when we do not have the means or desire to agree to a certain request. In these circumstances, saying no with kindness is the best choice.

Sometimes kindly refusing to provide assistance is important in helping promote personal growth in others and allows them to learn some important life lessons.

If someone is gossiping about someone we know, we can be silently kind, refusing to be drawn into the conversation. By choosing kindness, we allow positive energy to flow from us to others and prevent negative energy from reaching us or infusing situations. In this way we create and maintain a connection to our higher selves. And, realize just how good it feels to be kind.

Bringing the practice of acceptance into my daily life

Perhaps the key to feeling real peace is being able to accept what is. Acceptance simply means recognizing your ego’s voice and rejecting it. Knowing that the only person we can change is ourselves enables us to do this.

As soon as we start to think there is something not right, not the way it should be, or we become judgmental about a situation or a person—their words or behavior—we know we have moved away from accepting what is, by wanting to control what is outside of us.

There is a lot of negative energy and craziness in this world, but we can all learn to live with inner peace.

If your intention is strong and comes from the deepest part of you, it will happen. Outwardly nothing changes; peace comes from making changes inside you.

It begins and continues through becoming more aware of who you really are, knowing you are loved, making changes in the way you think, practicing loving kindness, and accepting what is.

As serenity and unconditional love fill your heart, you will accept that you cannot go back, and will not relinquish what you have now found—that peace that you seem to have been searching for your whole life.

Finally, you will come to this—deep inner peace inside you that endures, regardless of what challenges life brings.

I just have to share a bit of what is taking place in my life… I am sharing a video that I did last week for a couple of reasons… based on what I wrote above… so you can understand the energy… and so you can see the incredible Light Orb that decided to rest on my throat… How cool is that! Angels are all around us!!! 

Succeeding Thru Inner Peace