Do We KNOW What We Want?

This is an extension of the article that I posted last week. But, if you haven’t read last week’s article, now is a good time to take a look at that. I stated boldly in that article that “Most of us don’t know what we want.” Here are some additional thoughts behind that statement, inspired by another young Gen Y reader’s comments on that article. Also, please tell me your thoughts. Thanks!

“Many people fail in life, not for lack of ability or brains or courage, but because they never organized their energies around a goal.” ~ Elbert Hubbard

How do we effectively assess goals, non-verbal communications (not only body movements but also vocal changes) and other consequences?

Goal Diagnosis helps in assessing emotional blocks and personal histories. It can be used to respond appropriately to non-verbal communication. Goal diagnosis provides essential information for personal development as well.

Although any form of coaching or planning ideally starts with ‘well formed’ goal statements (outcomes), few people can specify their goals. Goal diagnosis recognizes many weird and wonderful goal statements… here are a few examples:

• Abstract goals (e.g. I only want to be happy)
• Childish goals (e.g. I want everything, now)
• Conflicts and multiple goals (including double binds)
• General statements with little sense of direction (e.g. I want more time off)
• Goals lacking times for completion (no deadlines)
• Goal statements with negative grammar (e.g. I don’t want a divorce)
• Goals with incongruent signals (I want X (while shaking the head “No”))
• Metaphors (e.g. I feel like I’m lost in a jungle and I can’t find a path to the village)
• Philosophy (e.g. Someone in my position should have already achieved goal X)
• Word salad (chaotic grammar and sentence structure)

The next step, of course, includes ways to respond appropriately to them. But, before we go there, let me elaborate some terms that I used here:

By Double Binds I refer to paradoxical interpersonal communication. A double bind statement contains internal contradictions. If the addressed person cannot withdraw from the situation, that person cannot decide which message is real and (if young) may develop pathologies.

Double binds may be explicit (e.g. a teacher communicates to a student “I will punish you to improve your education!“) or implicit (e.g. a manager says to an employee “I know that even you can complete this task!” while curling his upper lip). If the addressed person cannot recognize and dissolve double binds, relationship chaos often results.

Some stated goals have a similar structure to double-binds: for example the stated goal may have two or more objects and one verb, (e.g. “I want to be married and happy and …“). If these wishes are believed to be incompatible, any attempts or planning to fulfill a double-wish will likely fail.

By Double Wishes I refer to poorly defined goals that contain internal contradictions. If a person cannot decide which message is true, the person may object to their own goals – or withdraw from the coaching relationship. They may be disappointed that they cannot fulfill their own goals, and delay or miss opportunities for happiness.

I evaluate double goals by first noticing whether any verbal or non-verbal incongruence indicates simultaneous conflict or sequential conflict, and whether a client displays signs of conflict when changing goal polarity. Although a client may state a goal – the underlying goal is often at an existential or identity level, to discover “What is important to me?” or “What sort of person am I?”

Many people avoid unpleasant feelings and inner conflict by focusing on abstract goals (e.g. “I want to be happy“) … we often say that an abstract goal is, “the skin of a goal stuffed with conflict“.

A client may find two or more conflicting possibilities. A well-formed outcomebecomes possible if the definition of the goal can fully incorporate the values of all sides or parts of the conflict, or following an internal change of reference that rejects unwanted influences. In our systemic diagnosis, we often refer to identity level influences as relationship bonds.

Sequential Conflicts

Sequential conflicts can be fascinating … and irritating. Someone can never make up their mind, and if they do make a decision, they may either participate half-heartedly – or for a limited time.

I check the time between polarity changes of a sequential conflict … is it short-cycle or long-cycle? For me, short cycle is less than a few days, while long-cycle is over a week. This is useful information for anticipating a person’s change of heart. I can plan for it … and plan my response. (I find that this greatly decreases my irritation about people who break promises etc).

When you choose a goal or solution, you choose the consequences of that goal or solution.

While we hope for clear answers to the question, “What do you want?” we really don’t expect them. Goal questions seem to stress many people. Nobody wants to appear stupid, and people are often scared of asking for too little… or too much.

Focusing your mind on a specific goal

The statement, “You can do anything you put your mind to,” leads us to believe that all you must do is imagine what you’d like to accomplish, set your mind to the task, and wait for success.

To a certain degree this is true. Focused intention combined with action is a powerful force. But the statement is misleading because it fails to mention the difficulty and necessity of focusing your mind on a specific goal.

Most of us don’t know what we want.

We think we do, but we really don’t.

We only know what we don’t want.

We don’t want a boring job.

We don’t want to be poor.

We don’t want to disappoint our loved ones.

Knowing specifically what you want is much different than knowing what you don’t want. When you only know what you don’t want, your intentions are not focused.

Consider this example.

John doesn’t want to be poor. He is sick of earning less than his friends, and he is determined to raise his status. To accomplish this goal, John could take many different paths. He could train for a high paying profession, such as doctor or lawyer. He could start his own company, go into real estate, or do many other things that would lead to acquiring wealth.

But John is not sure what he wants to do. He doesn’t know which path best fits his skills and personality, so he doesn’t resolve to follow any particular path.

Hoping to answer this question, he investigates a dozen possibilities, but as soon as he runs into adversity he decides that path is not for him and moves on to a new solution.

John’s actions are not focused. Although he works very hard, his efforts don’t build on each other. Rather than building one giant impenetrable sand castle, John has built twenty smalls ones that are easily toppled. He ends up confused and discouraged. Ultimately John’s lack of focus leads to failure.

Now, what if John had chosen a specific path? Suppose he decided on the medical profession. His actions would have been clearly defined:

Step One: Earn a Bachelor's Degree

Step Two: Take the Medical College Admissions Test

Step Three: Earning a Doctor of Medicine Degree

Step Four: Complete a Residency Program

Step Five: Obtain Licensure and Certification

A set of specific goals is much easier to achieve than a vague end goal like becoming wealthy. Being focused on a path gives John a logical set of actions to follow. Each accomplishment is one step closer to the final goal.

I think we can all agree that committing to a clearly defined path, regardless of which one, gives John the best chance of becoming wealthy.

But how can he choose a path if he doesn’t know what he wants? Maybe money is not his only goal. Maybe he wants to do something he loves at the same time. Maybe he can’t afford to go back to school. Reality is complicated, and John doesn’t want to commit too soon.

And that’s why he fails.

But I don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing. Most people don’t fit neatly into a predefined path. Forcing yourself into one may lead to success, but it probably won’t make you happy.

This is the point. If you want to be conventionally successful, to attain wealth and status, you need to choose a specific path (preferably something mainstream) and follow it to the letter.

On the other hand, if you are not particularly concerned with wealth or success, you can take your time searching for that perfect niche.

Just don’t wait too long to decide. Each moment you deliberate, your already committed competitors sprint further ahead.

But, then again, maybe life is not a race, and maybe the most interesting people follow a path all their own…

The Power of Thoughts, Words and Actions

We acquire knowledge, but we lack awareness. Awareness arises when knowledge accompanies action. Mere acquisition of knowledge does not mean that such knowledge will translate into action.

For instance, most of us know that if you smoke cigarettes, you are susceptible to cancer. Cigarette smokers see the statutory warning imprinted on the cigarette packs: ''Smoking is injurious to health’’. Nevertheless, they continue to smoke. But if one day, the smoker does begin to suffer from ill-health on account of his smoking, then, the knowledge turns into awareness - through direct experience - that smoking could indeed be injurious to health.

It is either because we lack this awareness or we are unable to translate awareness to action that we commit mistakes.

We should enjoy freedom and be enthusiastic every moment of our lives. Our lives should become a joyous celebration. But normally, you will only hear tales of sorrow. Attachment leads to sorrow.

One of the best ways to attain material prosperity, spiritual progress, peace and liberation is through meditation. Meditation is not just sitting motionless in perfect posture with closed eyes. Maintaining awareness of our actions, words and thoughts is real meditation.

Our thoughts are like countless water droplets that form a river of words and actions. We have little control over this river. It is so strong that it can even wash away huge boulders that lie in its path. However, it is easy to block or change the direction of a river’s flow at its source with just a stone. Therefore, we must be careful with our thoughts.

If there is a defect in a mould, everything that is made from that mould will be defective. In the same way, unless we first purify our minds, our words and actions will not be pure. Therefore, the first thing we have to do is to control our minds through meditation. And through discriminate actions we can become successful in life.

The root cause of our problems is the ego, but the ego does not have any objective existence. Only humility can help us get rid of our ego. When one says or thinks, ''I am the master’’, one is, in fact, becoming a slave to the ego.

The greatest obstacles to enjoying life are this kind of an attitude and self-centered thoughts. Because of this, we are unable to serve others.

The underlying love is the important link that unites society. Today, that link is weak. More and more individuals are isolating themselves from one another. We need to shower love on our children and enhance their awareness at the same time.

A plant in a dark room will grow in the direction of sunlight. Likewise, children yearn for love, acceptance and attention. We should revive the love that upholds family life, social life and nature. Bonding between family members, young and old, student and teacher and between members of society is important to help us reach out to one another, strengthening our links with one another.

Today, stress is common in every sphere of life. This is mainly because we are obsessed with our own selves - we are driven by our ego. Freedom from tension is possible only through surrender to God. He guides us from within. But we do not have the patience to pay attention to that divine voice. Because of this, we keep repeating our mistakes; we experience sorrow.

Arjuna and Krishna grew up together. Yet Krishna did not impart the Geetha to Arjuna during that time but waited for that moment when Arjuna awakened the disciple within him. To be a disciple is to surrender. Then everything in the cosmos becomes our guru. Every experience becomes our guru. But no amount of experience can help us realize our mistakes unless we cultivate and adopt the humility required to be able to surrender our selves.

What does entrepreneurial-ism mean to you?

The Old French 'entreprendre,' which simply means 'undertake,' has been piled on with conflicting meaning. 

- We can safely limit 'entrepreneur' to someone who undertakes creating a new for-profit or non-profit venture. 

- We can also focus on personal qualities that make entrepreneurs successful – meaning they achieve (or steadily move closer toward) whatever purpose they set out to achieve. 

Successful entrepreneurs have a very specific tension that has become a passion (as not all tensions do). That passion is a tension between POSITIVE CHANGE and STABILITY. 

This will be clearer in the description of personal qualities of successful entrepreneurs: 

1. PASSION FOR POSITIVE CHANGE - This isn't (just) about change in one's own life. It's not as petty as "I need to get out of this place" or "I need a job" or "I need more money." Though many new business pursuits grow out of these desires, and most fail if self-centered change is the only object of passion. 

Successful entrepreneurs are motivated by improving circumstances at a broader level. Helping individuals attain their greatest potential... Making communities or economies stronger... Creating new or better products to solve existing problems or fill existing gaps... Helping organizations function efficiently and profitably... Addressing global problems, such as poverty or crime or government waste, etc. 

It is pretty much safe to state that all successful entrepreneurs are driven by a passion for some sort of change at these levels - change that extends beyond self, change that has positive impact on part of the rest of the world, change that is at least partially selfless. 

2. RISK AVERSION - Contrary to common wisdom, entrepreneurs are not risk addicts. In fact, most successful entrepreneurs are risk-averse. They like stability and security. But they come to terms with the fact that no positive change comes without risk. Because they _are_ “positive change addicts,” they'd rather manage the risks themselves. 

3. SELF-AWARE, NOT INDEPENDENT- Success comes from a brutal honesty with yourself about both what you do well and what you’re willing to do, and a willingness to engage others to fill in your gaps. This is a deep commitment to only focus on your areas of excellence, not just your capability. If someone else can do it just as well, let them do it. Use coaches, consultants, and partners where needed. Focus on your own core. 

4. PASSIONATE ABOUT RESULTS – But this results-passion is subjected to the passion for positive change, risk-aversion, and self-awareness. From those come strategies, from strategies come decisions, and decisions are acted upon to generate measurable results. 

The tension between positive change and risk aversion is alleviated through self-awareness, partnerships, and results-orientation. 

Incidentally INTRApreneurs - those who experience this same tension but for whatever reason remain in established organizations – will succeed if given a great deal of freedom and influence to do these very things. 

Every for-profit and non-profit organization - even the largest international corporations - began as an entrepreneur's dream. The successful ones incorporated the above. It is unfortunate that as they grow, and as they move further away from the original dreamer, many lose these core attributes.

A Perception Shattering Moment

How often do we perceive, not what is, but a narrow viewpoint bounded by what we believe?

Several years ago, I remember reading an article in Fast Company (a cutting edge business magazine) about the new face of Al Jazeera, the Arabic news channel. Al Jazeera is the Arabic news channel that has aired video messages from Middle East terrorists, kidnappers and Osama Bin Laden.

Apparently, AJI (Al Jazeera International) gained esteem despite its past offenses. Highly respected journalists are staffing its operations, imported from legitimate news organizations such as the BBC, CNN, NightLine and Associated Press Television. AJI professes a rigorous code of ethics and the loftiest news-gathering goals. "The mission of Al Jazeera International is to provide accurate and impartial news with a global perspective.”

Their mission is clearly attractive to journalists who feel that many news organizations are no longer objective but ruled by advertiser’s dollars reporting, “… from a culturally specific viewpoint that eclipses many important stories and issues.”

Couple of years ago, AJI was in New York City hosting a meeting designed to locate cable distributors and advertisers for its new English language channel. They met with an icy reception. One agency executive that places advertising on cable channels said, "Politically, this is a nightmare. Never in a billion years would I bring this to our clients."

What first came to my mind as I read this was: Why would they ever consider that this could work? Local cable providers, like Comcast, will run, not walk, from AJI. Pepsi will never book time for one of its commercials. What were they thinking?

This perception is distinctly American. When asked a question, dejected after his experience at the New York sales meeting, AJI’s marketing VP simply said, “America is only one country.”

In fact, Al Jazeera English global footprint continues to grow, broadcasting to more than 220 million households in more than 100 countries. There are over one billion English speakers around the world, including some of the fastest-growing economies on the planet. There are hundreds of international companies that most Americans have never heard of, lining up to buy advertising time on AJI.

My reaction at that time was: this is a fruitless, futile attempt. But, when I allowed my perception to shift, ever so slightly, my initial assessment wasn’t even close to being accurate.

The story of AJI illustrates how we don’t see the world as it is, we see the world as we are. Life - business, families, economies, and culture - are constantly evolving. Change is always with us, and can be particularly frightening viewed through what we know. Beyond our “perception- shattering moments”, when we are open to what is, we encounter a whole new world full of exciting possibilities far beyond the beliefs that limit us.

How the Brain Works to Make Decisions

This is a really good book if you have got the same interest as I in how the brain works to make decisions: How We Decide by Jonah Lehrer (Houghton Mifflin Harcourt, 2009).

Here’s what I have learned about the duel between the rational brain and the emotional brain, and how it might apply to sales, business communications and influencing people…

There is a flaw in our thinking habits called the framing effect, which is a part of decision biases called loss aversion. It explains why people are much more likely to buy meat when it’s labeled 85 percent lean instead of 15 percent fat. Also, why twice as many patients opt for surgery when told there’s an 80 percent chance of survival as opposed to a 20 percent chance of dying.

Neuroscientists hooked people up to an fMRI (functional MRI) imaging machine to look at which parts of their brains lit up while making gambling decisions. Here was the gambling game they asked them to play:

Imagine that you are playing a simple game whereby you are given $50 and asked to decide between two options:

1.     All-or-nothing gamble, in which the odds are 40% you will keep the entire $50, and 60% that you will lose everything.

2.     A sure-thing: if you choose this option you get to keep $20.

If you are like most people, you take the 2nd option, the sure $20. Next, they asked people to play the game again. The risky gamble hasn’t changed, but here are the options that are offered:

1.     All-or-nothing gamble, 40% chance of keeping entire $50, and 60% chance lose it all.

2.     Sure thing: but it’s framed as a loss of $30 instead of a gain of $20.

These two gambles are the same, they are just framed differently. In both cases, you walk away with $20 of the original $50. But the different descriptions strongly affect how people play the game.

When the choice is framed in terms of gaining $20, only 42% chose the risky gamble. When it was framed in terms of losing $30, 62% of people opted to roll the dice.

What is interesting here is that they were able to see in the brain: those people whose gambling decisions were influenced by the prospect of losing $30 were misled by an excited amygdala, part of the emotional brain that evokes negative feelings. Whenever a person thinks about loss, the amygdala is activated.

But the others who were not swayed by the framing effect also had activated amygdala, they also experienced negative feelings. They were able to look past their feelings and realize that the options were the same.

What made the difference? They had more elevated activity in the pre-frontal cortex, the rational brain. These people were able to feel their feelings, and choose to ignore them. They were able to make better gambling decisions because they regulated their negative emotions.

How do you regulate your emotional brain so that you can make more rational decisions? Awareness. By simply being aware that our emotional brain is sending negative feelings, we can decide to ignore it. The ability to become aware of our brain’s processes is called metacognition, and it’s a skill that can be developed.

We know when we are angry. Every emotion comes with the ability to think about it, to label it, to try to figure out why we are feeling it. Sometimes a feeling may make no sense, as in the case of this gambling game. We can deliberately choose to ignore the emotional brain.

The question is when to ignore it and when to pay attention to it. We don’t always know or take the time for it. And because emotions can also help us make better decisions, the key is being able to discern.

The Astonishing Power of Gratitude

I was gratified by the overwhelming response to my recent Roundtable Discussion on the Astonishing Power of Gratitude held on Feb 28, 2011. At the end of the discussion, I requested my distinguished guests to send me any further thoughts that they were not able to share with the group due to lack of time (the discussion already was carried on for 30 minutes beyond the original schedule) or other reasons. One of the responses that I received was from Charles Prabakar, whom I had known for quite some time as a business colleague when we both worked for a big corporation several years ago. He still works in the corporate world as an Executive Global Partner and a Strategy Consultant.

Referring to the Gratitude as a high positive vibrational energy, Charles commented that whatever we may call it – energy, passion, matter and/or value – and in a way they all mean the same thing if you look at the universe within the context of Einstein’s vantage point that it all boils down to managing that energy whether it be external facing and/or internal facing. In this blog, I want to share the rest of his thoughts (he writes his own blog that I enjoy reading regularly and he is now appearing here as a guest writer) where he summarized the discussion that we had along with some of his stories derived from the three major spiritual works (or religions) of the world. So, here he goes…

First of all, I appreciate you taking the effort to organize a webinar on the topic of – POWER OF GRATITUDE, an important topic, that is often overlooked! The points you covered, especially within the context of good and evil – and how to overcome evil with goodness – using the power of FORGIVENESS is truly outstanding! As you rightly said, first and foremost – forgiveness is for our own good, and so, when we get that part correct, in our heads – there is lot more motivation on our end, to initiate the forgiveness process. However, the duration and intensity of the process varies from person to person (& situation to situation as well) – depending upon the degree of hurt and/or the pain caused by the other party.

If I might add one more thing to your point (you probably already covered it as the conference call line was disturbed a lot) – this is where, we have to show empathy and put ourselves in other person’s shoes and see why he/she might have caused the hurt. This type of introspection, I have seen opening many doors for forgiveness and then reconciliation. What I have learned in the process is – in most cases, the hurt is caused by mere “MISUNDERSTANDING/MISINTERPRETATION” of certain events – and the sad part is that people continue to carry these misunderstandings for years, because both parties fail to create a conducive and open/honest environment to listen and understand each other point of views. Failing to create such an open forum- invariably results in more misunderstandings (as one misunderstanding leads to the other) – and from that point onwards, both parties start misinterpreting even the good actions of each other. The reason for that misinterpretation is – these misunderstandings are furthered fueled by – blind beliefs in hearsays (e.g. he said, she said like stories) and cover-up attempts without properly checking the facts. Let us all remember the saying – what we hear may not necessarily true, what we see may not necessarily true, through verification of the facts within its context is what brings out the truth –as echoed by President Nixon in his famous quote– “Trust, but verify!”.

Speaking of this facts verification process, I am reminded of the old sheep story – where we put a stick in front of a sheep, first one will jump, the second one will follow the suit and then the third one does the same. Now if we take the stick off, the rest of the sheeps invariably will jump, exactly, in the same place where the stick was held (even though stick was taken off). Funny story, but scientifically proven one. I guess, we humans in some cases (especially when we are hurt and participate in blindly believing environment of gossiping), behave like those sheeps – and let misunderstandings/false information carry from person to person – without giving the opportunity for the other person to explain his/her point of views. As the saying goes –“even someone in death row gets a chance to explain their point of view and so let us, at a minimum, listen to each other point of views”. I am sure, I am preaching to the choir as you are expert in this area.

Now to your point regarding overcoming hurts (or evil deeds) with goodness/positive attitude – there are few examples in the scriptures of both east and west – of how great people of yester years have overcome hurts and injustice. For example, in Ramayana, Ram had to go through 14 years of exile because of the promise made by his Father Dasharat to one Kaykeyi – as part of her behest to crown her son Bharat. At that point perhaps it was an injustice (or one can call it hurt), but in grand scheme of things – it worked out good for Ram, from the standpoint of living and fulfilling his theological ethics –as during exile is where, he gets to know Hanuman, and together they fight one of the greatest justice wars to bring justice. Had he got gone on exile, all the great things perhaps may not have happened in his life. So in most cases, God uses an exile and/or unjust situation for a larger cause.

Another example I can quote from bible/torah is the story of Joseph – “Being sold to foreigners in exile, wrongly accused – still Joseph did not murmur, kept believing. An insight from his life is – when he was already on his rock bottom (i.e. in exile), God allows another blow (imprisonment for the things he did not do). On the outset we might be wondering why. However, God had a larger purpose – Had he not gone on exile, he would not have met the Butler – and had he not met the butler, he would not have interpreted the dreams for the butler – and, had he not interpreted the dreams for butler, he would not have had the opportunity to interpret the dreams for the King which finally gave him the opportunity to get elevated. I guess when we take the positive attitude – every setback is a stepping stone for a success – and that mindset changes the whole perspective of hurt!

Yet another quote from Quran – Those who avoid the greater crimes and shameful deeds, and, when they are angry even then forgive; ……The recompense for an injury is an injury equal thereto in degree: but if a person forgives and makes reconciliation, his reward is due, from God … But indeed if any show patience and forgive, that would truly be an exercise of courageous will and resolution in the conduct of affairs.”

On closing – the moral of these stories /quotes (including your webinar) in nutshell is “overcome evil with goodness”. As it turns out, the reason we celebrate Festival of Light (Dewali) is to remembering the event where – evil was won with goodness – and so, let us all strive towards winning evil with goodness in our personal lives – and celebrate next Dewali – with a full realization of its meaning! — Charles Prabaker.

Please feel free to comment here or send your suggestions, thoughts etc via email.